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little kidthing in your class who plays with roadkill

disaffected teenager desperate for love

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cryingonthefreeway

dog-on-prog

10 sets of screaming for a mom into a pillow before bed

he held me and told me he loves me very much and he knows its scary when i get like that but it doesnt make him love me any less abd im his most favorite and loved person in the world. and now hes taking me out to get dinner. and we had a good conversation in the car abt how much having a Meltdown like that warps my perspective and makes me scared and he was really understanding about it. and when we get home we will play games together :3

#its okay if im crazy. i am still loved #it does. itch and burn. that he very clearly sees it as Me Being Crazy. but like. i kinda am. so.#we will talk abt that more

okay. mellowing out. no longer huddled in terror in a crevice. have made plans to play toys together later. yes he was being mean. but that is not the same as being A Danger To Me which is how i was reacting. and ik its not my fault i was triggered & interpreting things that way. but it makes sense he would be bothered by that. i am gonna try to have a conversation about it. and hopefully it goes well.

#i need to explain. that telling me to take a nap while i am experiencing 'i am going to fucking die' feelings #feels Mean and is Unhelpful.#especially when i just got up from one -w-#but. us having a bad moment. does not mean we are doomed to hate each other or whatever.

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i might be at the end now

#lol.#he came into the kitchen an saw me crying and was like oh hey are you okay? can i help? (???)#and i asked for a hug and tried to calm down. and was like maybe he really didnt know? maybe it was an accident?#and he says 'did you take your meds?'#i got Really Tense and said 'please dont ask me that when im upset'#he immediately pulled away was like well i dont do that i ask every day and not because youre upset i dont know why youd even think that #started putting his headphones on and going to leave #i said hey. i know you dont every time. but please dont ask when im upset. it makes me feel really shitty and ive told you this before A Lot #he kept being defensive then was like 'do you have a problem with me?' (???)#i said no. i just had really bad nightmares and im sick and i dont feel good. i feel like youve been really #snippy to me today and it hurts my feelings #he Scoffed and said 'i mean this in the nicest way possible but you need to take a nap because thats not happening' 😐#and then was like im just gonna leave and Left! and i sobbed in the kitchen so hard i started gagging 👍#is there a chance i have been misinterpreting things in the worst way because that dream gave me a ptsd moment? for sure!#is telling me im making it all up and talking down to me (TELLING ME TO TAKE A NAP???) and appropriate response? absolutely fucking not.#something to talk about in therapy tomorrow i guess.

i went several months with things being Good and not feeling suicidal but now in like 2 weeks of being sick its all fallen down because he finds me stupid and inconvenient when i cant be bubbly and on top of things 24/7 and hes making it my problem

really tho what do you do when someone you love and have tied your life to is being cruel to you to the point that you are losing sight of why you ever loved them in the first place

#i know the answer. and i dont like it.#started crying because he was being Fucking Mean after i woke up from a reallyreally awful nightmare #and he got Annoyed at me #then brought my meds over and said 'you should take these'#they r my psych meds. and i have said repeatedly it bothers me when he tries to blame every one of my negative emotions on 'being off my #meds'#he doesnt give a fuck. i think he did that on purpose to hurt me. what do i do with that #i miss him so bad but i think the version of him i miss might now exist anymore. maybe never existed.#and i dont know what to do with that #hes like. downright vindictive and mean to me. then calls me crazy when im upset.#we dont have sex anymore we dont even cuddle #we dont go on dates #what are we even doing

and i cant leave him even if i wanted to. is the thing. trapped in a hell of my own making. sweeeeet

well he got home and it got 10x worse and more awkward and when i tried to say i was bothered he started self flagellating and cancelled his plans with his friends just to leave the room and lay on the couch on his phone anyway. so. ?????

#man what the hell.#idk.#i am not communicating what i want well.#because frankly i have been Not Getting It so significantly and consistantly i have given up #i have tried so many times.#down to making him a fucking. 100 item list of things we can do together #and just asking him to pick one every other week #and i would pay and facillitate and everything !#but no. that is too much work 👍#cool. awesome.

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okay first step is i need to give up on him coming home "soon" so i stop just sitting by the door moping. phone is going Away music is going On i am going to distract myself out of this pain somehow istg. and then i can ask him wtf is going on later.

really frustrating to be legit suicidal for the first time in a couple months over not getting enough attention. rrrrrrrrr.

#suicidal over anxiety: work to improve my resilience and problem solving skills #suicidal over Body Problems: years of doctors #suicidal over hormones: birth control #suicidal over Partner Doesnt Appear To Care About Me: uhhhhhhhh #UGH it sucks so bad like. im glad he is making close relationships outside of ours #but why does that have to me he treats me that way. it doesn't. why is he choosing to do that?

feeling unloved and neglected so i took a day off work to hang out with my partner (+ get un-sick) annnnd he's now on hour three of being out with his friend instead :(

#to be fair! he unvited me #but i did not go. due to being sick.#i just want to cry about it #i thought hed be gone for an hour Maybe two. have not heard from him abt when he'll be home 👍 sweet

well i survived and feel a lot better and less angry nkw but not loved. but. ill live. eugh

fighting the urge to delete my entire online presence and i think i'll win i just feel so fucking sick and awful and i hate it.

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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diana-andraste

Mermaid, Bob Carlos Clarke, 1980

milksockets

ritual magazine no. 8

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