morning riser

school has been hard but not really in the way i thought it would be. it’s bringing up a lot more anxieties and insecurities than i planned for i guess. i forgot that it takes me a really long time to adjust to a new space or group of people, like how when i first went to shows in the bay or volunteered at girls rock camp i mostly stood/sat alone and avoided talking to people for a long time. i guess it will just take time to feel comfortable around new people or confident with how vulnerable i need to be to learn these skills. i am really happy to be learning a lot and i am really interested in all the material and it feels good to be “doing my own work,” and to finally have a new therapist, etc etc, but also i kinda feel sad and lonely all the time lately. i guess it’s a process. and i guess a lot of shitty things have happened lately too. i’ve kind of been a wreck but i’m working on it.

i quit my second job and i’m going to graduate school in the fall to get a masters in school counseling. i get to start working in a middle school in the fall too. the joyride! mix sounds good, i think we’ll have a new album by october maybe. i started learning try the pie songs on second guitar! i surprised myself on the soar tour by letting myself have a relatively good time (still an unfun girl tho)! we visited my parents and sisters and nephew today and on our way back down highway1 we saw goss st people and friends at the skatepark by mirimar where i lived when i was a baby. we pulled over to go say hi but they got in rickys van and drove away just as we were getting close. but then we met them in pacifica and it was jon’s birthday. there are good things happening in my life, things i am thankful for or even excited for, and it feels bizarre in the context of loss. i have such extreme ups and downs. i regularly feel disappointed that playing music doesn’t make my corporeal form fade away but oh well. i wish for every moment i spent thinking about my body i spent twice the amount of time trying to learn something new and three times the amount of time listening to my smart friends talk about their lives and ideas. 

sometimes i feel like i am moodier and more sensitive than other people. i need so much sleep and so much time alone and sometimes i feel like i should be able to do more or at least last a little longer in between meltdowns. sometimes i feel like i am bad at grieving if i don’t write anything down about erica. but all the times i have tried it doesn’t feel right. i’m glad to be able to read what other people have to say though. i’m still figuring so much out. i expected therapy to be more like a clear path to making specific changes but so far it is very meandering and intense and afterwards i usually turn my phone off and fall asleep for a little while. maybe thats good, i don’t know. i miss my friends even though i am choosing to watch tv and go on the internet instead of see anyone tonight. i miss erica even though i can’t even remember when the last time i saw her was.

sometimes i feel like the root of a lot of things in my head / heart comes from the year when i was in 8th grade and my hot sister was in 6th grade and came to our middle school and everyone kept saying, i can’t believe you guys are related!! and i told myself that it didn’t matter because i was gonna be a good person and people would like me for that.