ur favorite organ dealer

✨butch in a powerviolence way ✨

extreme music, weird gay sex and other gross stuff, compulsive oversharing.

freaks only. don’t be a pussy and don’t be annoying.

mental health issues getting much worse. im reactive and volatile and am constantly saying things i regret and acting a fool in public. on the cane most of the time, can barely walk at all some days. it can take me 30 mins to walk 2 blocks and i fall sometimes and it hurts and it sucks. i am the weirdest, smelliest person on the bus most of the time.

i hate everything about my life except for the people in it. i love myself and i wish it felt like more of the world could love me but it doesn't and it wont. im not sure how much of the world that loves me currently will still love me by the end of this year. feels like im getting really good at making myself less likable so the people that love me now won't miss me when im gone. im probably wrong but id like it to be easier for them when the time comes.

if i don't figure out an income source by the summer i will probably be homeless by the fall at latest. im not sure i'll survive that for very long in my current condition. i have been so fortunate to make it this far so i guess ill count my blessings and try to be grateful. but im not sure what good that'll do me if i don't get to sleep inside anymore.

if that's the case though maybe i can find a way for us to just constantly live on tour and live the high life on a tightrope til i snap. im really afraid that nothing i have left will last much longer and i don't think i really deserved any of what i do have to begin with.

not really sure why im posting this here. i hope im wrong and that the worst case doesnt come true but to be real honest im not confident that i can fix it this time.

im feeling a lot of sympathy for my worst enemies right now. i just hope i dont start acting like any of them if shit goes further south. i dont think i will because i do still know that you dont get to harm the ones you love just because your life sucks. i guess they did too, until they didn't, or until they decided it didn't matter.