Excerpts from my Journal

I made the mistake of googling "can you die from loneliness" you should try it sometime. You get some pretty interesting, albeit depressing results.

Being here just dangerously reinforces this notion that it's really hard for me to make connections with people

I find it kind of funny I was worried. Did I forget that I'm used to functioning while hopeless. Did I forget that this is what I'm an expert in, a pro at? Managing to do what I need to do, be where I need to be, even when it feels meaningless?

My brain did something good. I am very excited and decided that I needed to share before I forgot / got upset about something else.

The good news is there is more excitement than dread but there is more terror than anything else probably.

Anyway the one thing that's hard for me, despite being relatively happy, despite feeling so lucky is that I'm homesick. And worse, I'm homesick for a home I no longer have.

I hope I just feel like a zombie today because the bathrooms flooded and we had to take the kids to the adult bathroom which was an ordeal and Kid 1 put couscous on his head and hit Kid 2 in the face with a book.

Eating cold Chinese food and trying to finish a paper that is due tomorrow but getting distracted by Facebook is the most fitting end to my most stereotypically "college" weekend ever...

I'm both scared of and thankful for how little I am remembering. I don't think I'll be able to trust my memory of this summer in the slightest. I have barely written anything. I think I'm afraid to write. There's too much to process. ... I couldn't remember last week or what was upsetting me. I remembered my panic attack, though frankly I can't remember which day that was or what in particular caused it. All of my days blur together.

For all I know after these next two years, I could be in decent shape to face the world.

Don't you love when you think your reaction is due to the fact that you're mentally unstable but then upon further examination you realize it was an appropriate reaction.

He was drawing a picture on the dry erase easel. I asked him to tell me about his picture, because you're not supposed to ask kids what they drew and he told me it was a "Mad Mickey Mouse." It looked exactly like that actually, I was quite impressed.

I liked watching the democrats rip him to shreds because I knew that each struggling American was being represented.

I had a very nice date with Boy X. It didn't really feel like a date. By that I mean it didn't feel romantic, but that let me relax.

Today was okay. I was really tired when I woke up. I took two naps today.

It's this awful mix of feeling the need to remember every word she said, every facial expression she made while knowing I'd be better off just trying to let the memories fade, so I can move on and live in the moment.

Then she told me, "we should get you a fish again, so you'd have someone to talk to and take care of" I flipped out. I yelled at her briefly about the fact that she wanted me to talk to a freakin fish