More Terry Pratchett Quotes

“I come in here quite a lot,” said Carrot. “The food’s good and, of course, it pays to keep your ear to the ground.”

“That’d certainly be easy here,” said Angua, and laughed.

“Pardon?”

“Well, I mean, the ground is…so much…closer…”

She felt a pit opening wider with every word. The noise level had suddenly dropped again

“Er,” said Carrot, staring fixedly at her. “How can I put this? People are talking in Dwarfish…but they’re listening in Human.”

“I believe in reincarnation,” he said.

I KNOW.

“I tried to live a good life. Does that help?”

THAT IS NOT UP TO ME. Death coughed. OF COURSE,…SINCE YOU BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION…YOU’LL BE BJORN AGAIN.

He waited.

“Yes. That’s right,” said Bjorn. Dwarfs are known for their sense of humor, in a way. People point them out and say: “Those little devils haven’t got a sense of humor.”

“But that’s not right, see? One man with the power of life and death.”

“But if he’s a good man—” Carrot began.

“What? What? OK. OK. Let’s believe he’s a good man. But his second-in-command—is he a good man too? You’d better hope so. Because he’s the supreme ruler, too, in the name of the king. And the rest of the court…they’ve got to be good men. Because if just one of them’s a bad man the result is bribery and patronage.”

“But I don’t teach people to be witches. I teach people about witches. Witches learn in a special school. I just show them the way, if they’re any good. All witches have special interests, and I like children.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re much easier to fit in the oven,” said Miss Tick.

But Tiffany wasn’t frightened, just annoyed.

“That was a nasty thing to say,” she said.

“Well, witches don’t have to be nice,” said Miss Tick, pulling a large black bag from under the table. “I’m glad to see you pay attention.”

All witches are selfish, the Queen had said. But Tiffany’s Third Thoughts said: Then turn selfishness into a weapon! Make all things yours! Make other lives and dreams and hopes yours! Protect them! Save them! Bring them into the sheepfold! Walk the gale for them! Keep away the wolf! My dreams! My brother! My family! My land! My world! How dare you try to take these things, because they are mine!

I have a duty!

 “I’m not familiar,” said a voice from among the paper flowers. “I’m just slightly presumptuous.”

“And?” said the toad. 

“Well, that can’t be right! You’re supposed to be alive here and then die and end up in some heaven somewhere else!” 

“Well, that’s just saying the same thing in a different way, isn’t it? Anyway, lots of warrior tribes think that when they die, they go to a heavenly land somewhere,” said the toad. “You know, where they can drink and fight and feast forever? So maybe this is theirs.” 

“But this is a real place!” 

“So? It’s what they believe. Besides, they’re only small. Maybe the universe is a bit crowded and they have to put heavens anywhere there’s room? I’m a toad, so you’ll appreciate that I’m having to guess a lot here. Maybe they’re just wrong. Maybe you’re just wrong. Maybe I’m just wrong.”

“They think written words are even more powerful,” whispered the toad. “They think all writing is magic. Words worry them. See their swords? They glow blue in the presence of lawyers.”

“Aha,” she said. There was nothing to knock on, so she added “Knock, knock” in a louder voice. 

 A woman’s voice from within said: “Who’s there?” 

 “Tiffany,” said Tiffany. 

 “Tiffany who?” said the voice. 

 “Tiffany who isn’t trying to make a joke.” 

 “Ah. That sounds promising. Come in.”

It seemed to Tiffany that although the owners of the three voices were fighting things that couldn’t possibly fight back, including a teddy bear with only one leg, the fight still wasn’t going all one way.