More Than Rubies.

這一句話只能藏成秘密

關上窗外的雨　

反覆觸碰你愛過的痕跡

好想好好愛你　

卻沒有權利再把你抱緊

從今以後　如果你能快樂

It felt like we had never met

It's like the sun set in your eyes

I never want it to rise

And what have you done

With the one I love?

When I look into your eyes

I see no surprise

I always thought it was sad

The way we act like strangers

After all that we had

We act like we had never met

We make believe

I've never seen your face, you neither me

Don't catch my eye

Don't register a smile

You were more than just a friend

Oh, but the feeling

It never came to an ending

I can't bear to seeing

I always thought it was a shame

That we have to play these games

It felt like you really knew me

Now it feels like you see through me

When I see you again

I'll know not to expect

Stay one step away

We won't have to wait

When I see you again

And I'm greeted as a friend

It is understood

It's been a while.

You still dive in and out

Of my dreams -

But when I wake,

Why don't you say hello back

Fuck

Fuck

Just

Put my thoughts in a blender

Whirrrrrr

I'd like to think I'm a beautiful mess

But in reality

I'm not beautiful

In all honesty

I've given too many already

To you

To you

To those who don't give two fucks about me anyway.

Hidden, latent in my system

I can try and suppress you

Forget you

But, moments when

I'm vulnerable, weak

You start to actively affect me

Paralysing

I'm no contender

To winning this fight

I just let you in all over again

Consuming my all

My mind, my heart

I can only wait

Until you're done with me

That bruised and battered shell of what's left

Then, sure enough

You leave me again

Last night, you reappeared in my dreams

Out of nowhere

I found us - floating; sinking

In our nakedness

Under depths of water

Each time I began to sink deeper into the darkness,

You reached out to pull me upwards; drawing me close

Into your arms

Into that familiarity of comfort

Of belonging.

I even deliberately allowed myself to sink

As if to test if you'd come back for me

And without fail, you'd reach out to pull me closer, to pull me back to your safehaven.

I didn't realise how much it made me feel

Safe, at ease; "home".

How much I yearned for your embrace

To never let go

The desire, so real

That the warmth of you quickens my heartbeat

And thrusts me from that sweetness of a dream; waking me - and I find myself back in the early hours of the morning; reality hits.

I finally found you again, but this time only

You see things,

Hear things

About his recent endeavours

The truth still stings, but just a little

Reality becomes bearable; you’re okay with it.

He doesn’t cross your mind

Every minute of every hour of every day

No longer is he the ghost of your memories

Haunting you in every corner you turn

Your heart doesn’t break at the thought of him no more

But instead

You are finally happy for him

Tonight everything feels distant

Your salsa dancing, whiskey and red wine, with views over the harbour bridge

Your spray cans and AE86s’, tattoos and cigarettes

Your plants and gardening, guitar strums and black cats

In fact,

That feeling

A tightness rising up inside you

Crushing

Your mind starts to play tricks

Thoughts that lead you down a destructive path

Resonating inside your brain

It all starts from

One small lie

Intended; unintended

Does it really make a difference?

Reality is

It has the ability to destroy

If there is not strength to overcome those monsters inside my head

Day in, day out

I find myself occupied,

Distracted

Immersed in my surroundings

Surroundings that no longer include your presence

But it’s those moments

The night hour

I put on my headphones, and from my playlist

Those lyrics begin to etch upon my heart again

“Tell me how to feel about you now?

Tell me how to feel about you now?

Oh let me know

Do I suffocate or let go...?”

When I allow myself, to allow you

To seep into my thoughts

Though I can feel your existence;

I can never hold on

Like water slipping through my fingertips

You slip through my mind,

I think about you tonight

And I wonder if you think about me

About us

As if

our hearts were mirrors

reflecting each other’s pain

Once upon a time, that mirror was flawless

no cracks; no breaks

but the moment it fell apart

it shattered into tiny pieces

Time slowly glues the pieces back together

But, those tiny flaws

the breaks that are now invisible on the outside

always remain

The heart is never the same again

To the one that got away;

You still pop up in my day to day

Bits and pieces

Like small cuts and bruises

Life still goes on,

But you’re a constant reminder.

To the one that got away;

You still have a piece of me