more falafel please

22/02/2015 16:43:59

-so much desert that you will get scared 

-seriously from california to new mexico is terrifying like it’s eight straight hours of pale red desert and the sky is so large that everything, even your car, even your hands, looks like a tenuously small and fragile diorama placed on an endless pale red table and left there to dissolve. 

-a gas station that for some reason has large dinosaurs made out of scrap metal. they are 1000% awesome. sometimes they move. take a million pictures.

-a fruit stand that sells the best fruit you have ever eaten. later you won’t quite remember which fruit. strawberries, maybe? peaches?

-small black birds, subtly different in every state. some have gold eyes and some are a little iridescent and some are black from beak to toes. the sparrows they compete with for crumbs look exactly the same wherever you go. 

-a completely empty rest stop. no one eats at the concrete tables. no one plays in the tiny strip of grass or gravel. you will find a small and beautiful stone. 

-a hawaii license plate, somewhere around ohio. i still don’t know how they get the cars across the ocean. i don’t know why anyone would leave hawaii for ohio. i don’t know why anyone lives in ohio. 

-an incredibly weird duck. you had no idea ducks could look so incredibly weird, and you wish you were still ignorant of how incredibly weird ducks can, apparently, look. 

-a small folksy roadside waystation that sells fudge and incredibly tacky statues of eagles and wolves and cowboys. if you like fudge, eat the fudge from here. 

-a lizard doing pushups. if you are particularly fortunate: many lizards doing pushups.

-approximately one gajillion starbucks shops. don’t bother counting them. it will make you angry. 

-a storm somewhere around oklahoma, if you’re lucky. the clouds tower up in fantastic fluffy castles miles and miles into the air and are painted pink and gold and purple and the sky turns a dozen impossible shades of blue and when the rain comes down over your car it sounds like the world is ending. 

-weird burrs will stick to your legs. you’ll flick them out of the car eighty or eight hundred miles from where their parent plant was grown, and not be sure whether you should wish the little hitchikers well or not. 

-a dog wearing sunglasses with his head hanging out of a car window. this will be the high point of the trip. 

-the world’s most depressing restaurant. you will know it when you wind up there and have to eat the terrible food, and listen to the terrible music, and look at all the listless waiters and want to tell them get in my car, for god’s sake get in, i’ll take you out of whatever crapsack little town this is that you can’t get out of on your own. but you won’t say that because it’s rude. maybe they have family here. maybe they even like it here.

-a painting of a sailboat in a motel located at least a hundred miles from any significant body of water. 

-several genuinely hilarious postcards. buy them.

-a cat that will not let you pet it. this will be the low point of the trip. 

-corn. so much corn you will get scared. who the fuck is going to eat all this corn? 

- So many squirrels. Why do we have this many squirrels in this country? They’re everywhere. 

- If you’re really lucky, while you’re at a rest stop or something, you’ll see a bumblebee run head-first into your car window, shake its little head, and buzz off. Not quite the highlight of the trip, but hilarious nonetheless.

- Tumbleweeds, which unless you grew up in Nevada or Utah, you thought were something Saturday morning cartoons made up.

- A very obvious, if invisible, divide between the “soda” and “pop” divisions of the US. You’ll simply cross into a city and suddenly they’ll be saying “pop” instead of “soda.”

- At least one person wearing what may or may not be wizard regalia. If they’re also carrying an instrument, they’re from Portland, Oregon. Ignore them.

- At some point you will absolutely be stuck behind a vehicle that has the entirety of the back window covered in political bumper stickers, obscuring their rear view. They are usually, but not always, anti-Obama/anti-Hillary/anti-abortion stickers.

- So many themed restaurants. So. Many. They are all overpriced.

- You will spend what feels like an eternity crossing the state of Iowa. Compared to some of our bigger states – Alaska, California, Utah, Nevada, Texas – Iowa seems so small, right? No, you will spend what feels like your entire life trying to cross Iowa and all you will ever see is corn fields. 

- At least one town that appears to have come straight out of Deliverance. It’s probably not as bad as you think it is, although it’s very likely everyone is racist and very poor. Racist or not, maybe spend some money there.

- Bugs you didn’t know could exist and they will scare you and make you question everything you know and love. They are straight out of your nightmares, no matter what they are. They will either be tiny and numerous, or humongous and singular. 

- Every town with a population over 10,000 will have at least one non-Starbucks coffee shop. It is 100% guaranteed to be filled with what people consider hipsters. Don’t be a dick, just get your coffee and leave. 

- A very visible Hardees/Carl’s Jr. divide line. They’re the same restaurant. You will be in one town going west and see a Hardees. Ten minutes later you’ll be in another town and it’s a Carl’s Jr. 

- So many fucking cows, like I don’t even know why.

- At least one alpaca or llama, and probably a camel if you’re west of the Mississippi. 

- The interesting and various ways people have found to get around the “no smoking in public places” rules. 

- East coast “dry state” edition: Lines running out of the state liquor stores on Saturday, because people are stocking up for Sunday.

- West Coast edition: Bewildered east-coasters wandering the liquor aisle at Wal-Mart and making stunned noises that you can buy your booze all day, every day, at WALMART.

- At least two or three five-car pileups, causing 5-hour delays. 

- So much corn. SO MUCH CORN. You will learn to hate the sight of cornfields, and possibly fear them a little bit. What the fuck are those big-ass leaves hiding???

- If you drive through the southwestern US at all, you will come across at least one honest-to-God 10-foot-tall cactus. It’s probably not mocking you, but you’ll get the feeling it is.

- If you go through the Pennsylvania area, you will see the word “Schuylkill.” It will confuse you. It’s pronounced “scoo-kul.” Just a handy hint so you can blend in with the locals.

- If you are going through California: a surprising amount of bears and bear paraphernalia.

- In any and every tiny town, they will have some sort of “claim to fame” that they are really proud of. In Doyle, CA, it’s their “world-famous lizard races.” In Virginia City, NV, it’s their outhouse races (I am not kidding). Keep a list. It’ll brighten your day when your road trip is over. If there are signs advertising this claim to fame, take a picture. Maybe scrapbook that shit, IDK. It’s fun to think about.

- If you’re driving west-east, you will suddenly cross some unseen border where every road is a toll road. Bring lots of change.

- Inexplicably gambling-themed items in non-Nevada and non-casino areas.

- Gigantic lottery billboards in every state that has a lottery, about once every five minutes.

- Convenience stores that all sell enormous half-gallon insulated soda mugs for $9.99. They come with a free fill-up with purchase. Protip: most convenience stores will let you fill mugs up from other stores, and the things are strangely good at insulating, so you may as well invest in one. Soda for everyone! Or just you. *stares at you*

- A lot of billboards, especially in the midwest and the south, proclaiming stuff about God. Like. A lot.

- Very strange tourist attractions. The world’s largest ball of string isn’t even close to the top of the list of the strangeness you can encounter if you keep your eyes open or google weird shit in the area you’re at. There’s an app called “FIELD TRIP,” I think, that will tell you about the weird shit and history around you if you keep location on on your smartphone. It’s free and totally worth the space on your phone.

- Some of the most beautiful landscape known to man, and some of the most desolate poverty one can reach in the so-called “first world.”

- At least a few “micro countries.” Go to one. They’re hilarious.

- Some towns so small you will call bullshit on the population estimate on their welcome sign.

- Some cities so large you will feel like you’re on a merry-go-round because there’s so much shit going on.

- At least once you will see a person, unattached to any food establishment, wearing a food costume for no apparent reason. Just…don’t question it, okay?

- A surprising amount of LARPers.

-a giant billboard, somewhere in Indiana(?) That just says “HELL IS REAL”. This billboard is perfectly placed. Indiana is the worst.

john darnielle: