hurts me too - brian krakow
pairing(s): brian krakow/reader, one-sided brian krakow/angela chase, angela chase/jordan catalano (referenced)
pronouns used: none
w.c: 1.4k
a/n: brian krakow is a stupid loser and i adore him
it was simple. angela chase loved jordan catalano, brian krakow loved angela chase, and you loved brian krakow. you had wrapped your head around it years ago, even before jordan catalano was in the picture. brian krakow was head over heels for angela chase, everyone knew. it had always been that way. you'd accepted the unrequited aching that came to your chest every time you talked to brian, every time you saw his face. it hurt to look at him, loving him was a death sentence.
"i just don't get it, what does she see in him?" brian paced around his room as you sat on his bed, rolling your eyes. it seemed as if you had this same conversation every friday night. "look, he's a pretty guy. sure he may have the personality of a brick wall, but he has a nice face." you sighed, this boy is going to be the death of you. "i could do so much better than him! i actually care about her." to be completely honest, you were getting fed up with him at this point. "you're starting to sound like a loser, stop it brian. one day she'll see, okay?" you were trying to be understanding, you really were. but your patience was running thin. brian too was starting to sound annoyed. he put his hands on his head in an almost cartoonish manner, and let out a frustrated sigh. "you don't understand, i've never loved anyone else. if i continue at this rate i'll end up dying alone, i don't want anyone else." ouch.
"it's getting late i should go." you were hurt, but you couldn't let that show. you grabbed your coat and gave brian a sad smile, exiting his room and making your way downstairs. you were greeted with his mother and father in the family area. "have a good night sweetie! feel free to come back whenever, we love having you around. brian really does need a friend like you." his mother got up from her seat, she was a beautiful woman. she had curly shoulder-length dirty blonde hair, much like brian's. she gave you a warm hug which was much appreciated, and walked you to the door. normally brian would do that, but you weren't entirely sure you could stomach seeing him at the moment. as soon as you opened the door you were met with the harsh pittsburgh wind. glistening snow lightly coated the sidewalks, it was the slick kind that would cause you to fall if you weren't careful enough. you lived close enough to walk from the krakow home to your own, which ultimately proved to be both a blessing and a curse. you hated how you could see brian ride his bike around outside waiting for angela, you hated how you could see him knock on her door with yet another stupid excuse, and you hated how every time angela let him down he would find his way over to your doorstep.
you were always his second choice, yet no matter how much this hurt you kept coming back. it was almost funny how much your relationship with brian mirrored his relationship with angela. you'd follow him around like a lost puppy if it meant he would acknowledge you, and you were aware of that. sure, you had other friends, but none of them were like brian. it felt like a sick joke your mind was playing on you, making you such a pathetic suck-up when it came to him. he could treat you like an absolute stranger and you would still be hopelessly in love with him. of course he didn't do that, he hardly had any friends. you were fairly sure brian wasn't even aware of how he made you feel sometimes, he was so hyper-fixated on his love for angela that he subconsciously cut you out of the picture. which brings us to our next point.
angela chase. perfect life, perfect family, perfect boyfriend, perfect home. were any of these things actually perfect? no, of course not. but to the blind eye they sure seemed that way. you had come second to angela your entire life in everything. she had everything you wanted, and she didn't have try half as hard for it. she was pure, she was beautiful, she was kind, she was everything you wished to be. her life wasn't the best, but it sure was a step up from yours. you were envious of that. it got to the point that even seeing her face in the halls was enough to make you feel sick. she had made your life a living hell, and she wasn't even aware of it. in all honesty you knew it wasn't her fault, she never asked for this, she didn't want brian's love. you weren't even angry with her, you were angry with yourself. it was just easier to project your anger onto her, to blame her for the problems she indirectly caused.
you snapped out of your trance, suddenly becoming aware of your surroundings again. you had reached your front door, absentmindedly turning the doorknob and making your way inside. it was routine at this point; go to brian's, listen to him rant about his nonexistent love life, leave feeling disappointed, and make your way home while crying silently. it was a stupid cycle that you knew all too well. this time was different though, his words kept echoing in your mind. you couldn't let it go. 'i've never loved anyone else', fuck, that sure felt fantastic to hear. fighting back a second round of tears, you made your way to your room. kicking off your shoes and changing into some much warmer pajamas, you continued to reflect on that whole conversation. it was all so ironic, hilarious in a sick, twisted, painful way. 'you could never understand', if only he knew. you had wrecked your mind over this man. he consumed your thoughts, never was there a second where he was not on your mind. his stupid soft hair, his stupid pink lips, his stupid lanky legs, and his stupid grandpa sweaters. he was stupid, everything about him was undeniably and undoubtedly stupid.
tears of frustration fell from your already warm cheeks. you were sure you looked like a wreck at this point, and you felt like one as well. you got up from your bed, resisting the urge to punch a wall. you truly did not want to deal with people asking about your bruised knuckles, not right now at least. instead you settled for splashing your face with some cold water. you sighed, you were tired. this whole situation was so exhausting. no matter what happened no one could win, there's simply no way everyone could be happy. you made your way back to your bed, laying down and covering your body with your favorite blanket. it was the blanket brian has bought you for christmas one year. it was warm and soft, perfect for this time of the year; but not perfect for your whole "forget about brian krakow for the night" mentality. you couldn't forget about him, there was too much that reminded you of him. for your entire life this boy has plagued your mind. so many memories shared, so much to look back on. you couldn't live without him, you couldn't love without him. he completed you, he made you. without him there would be no you, it had always been him and you before you were you. you couldn't lose him, you just couldn't. so if keeping him meant losing yourself, so be it.
the night was cold, harsh, unforgiving. but you would survive. you always did. you were a fighter, no matter the circumstances you pushed through. a wounded soldier, you were. life could spit in your face, kick your ribs, break your heart; but you still kept going. throughout this entire situation you just kept going, no matter how badly you wanted to give up. you still held on hope, despite how helpless you felt. brian needed you, needed you to be his friend. if a friend is what he saw in you, a friend is what you would be. you would set your feelings aside, set your heart to the ground and let it get stomped on. as long as it was for him you didn't care. you would do anything for him, he meant that much to you. so with that you fell asleep, thoughts filled with their usual contents. the night was cold, as were your hands; but your heart was warm, warm with love, warm with forgiveness.
