One day in 2019, I had pain so bad I went to the ER.
My gut felt like there were red hot needles and knifes being stabbed into it. I felt nauseous. I felt faint. I very nearly threw up.
It was not the first time I felt this way but it was the worst I’d ever felt. I’d been getting increasingly bad pain for over a year and I had gone to countless doctors trying to determine what it was.
The doctors at the ER — thankfully — took me seriously. They determined I had a severely infected gallbladder and the only way to save my life was to have surgery to remove it.
I still had to give consent before the surgery.
I remember being terrified. I was alone. There was no one to help me. And somehow, even though the only course of action I could take was to consent to the surgery the fact that I had to before they could take action made it all the more terrifying. The consequences of the surgery would mean I would live, but I’d never quite be the same. I felt cheated by my own body. Why was it this way? Why couldn’t I be healthy? Functional? Why wasn’t my body working with me?
The nurses, doctors, and surgeons there were all incredibly kind to me.
One surgeon in particular — the one who ended up operating on me — said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. “Your body is there to help you. Sometimes, when part of the body is no longer helping you, the best thing to do is cut it away. You’ll be so much happier after the surgery. You won’t be in pain anymore.”
I think about that a lot.
I think about it a lot when I see trans men begging for help to get top surgery and are met with resistance or well meaning but ignorant messages begging back to not “mutilate” their body.
I think about my surgeon, who was so kind to me and knew what to say when I was scared and crying and alone in my hospital bed.
Your body is there to help you.
Sometimes, when part of the body is no longer helping you, the best thing to do is cut it away.
You’ll be so much happier after the surgery.
You won’t be in pain anymore.
I hope you get your top surgery.
I hope you will be so much happier.
And I hope the pain will end.
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