Will you let it die or let it grow

Atlas: sounds perfect to me, man. where do you wanna meet? there's a pub down the road, don't know if that's your scene.

Atlas: hey man. sweet of you to ask, that sounds great. what time were you thinking?

“No.” Benji responded to the accusation far too quickly, barely a second passing between them before he had opened his mouth to deny the accusation – even he could hear how hollow the word sounded. His lips screwed into a scowl, clearly displeased with the way he had allowed the denial to tumble off his tongue, before he had the time to cushion it with fabricated indifferences. It wasn’t a full lie. He certainly wasn’t strung out like he had been on his first tour, widely unsure and still eager to please. The weight forced on his shoulders was different now, still heavy enough to threaten to crack his collar bones with each wheezing breath, but circling around the threat to keep his facade in place rather than the simplicity of inexperience and nerves. He schooled his expression away into unbothered cockiness once again, as if he was fooling anybody at this point, gesturing a hand vaguely to the space around them to reference their lives in the spotlight as a whole. “This isn’t my first tour, or first anything. I’ve got it figured out by now, clearly.”

Moony was a little caught off guard with how quickly Benji answered his question, finding it difficult to take it as an authentic response as opposed to a rehearsed one. He continued to watch the other man’s body language as it was a hell of a lot more expressive than Benji’s words. It was hard to be anything but confused. “Well I’m glad you’ve got it figured out,” He chuckled. “Gives me a little hope since we started in similar places.” He licked his lips in thought trying to get them back to where the conversation had started. “If that’s not bothering you, what is?” He tried. “It’s not like I want to run around and air your dirty laundry, you just seem like you need someone to talk to.”

“There’s a ton of stuff, it just depends on what you wanna see,” Lincoln shrugged. She quickly looked up the studio tour since her phone was already out. “Three and a half hours,” she informed him. “Do you think we could squeeze it in before we have to be back?”

“I wanna see as much as we can,” Moony promised. He glanced over when she looked at her phone, wincing slightly at the amount of time the tour took. “Maybe we can see if we can get a condensed tour?” He offered, not sure if that was quite how the whole celebrity perks thing worked.

Moony: Hey!

Frustration bubbled up in Benji’s throat, something thick and ugly and unwelcome. He’d spent years perfecting his stoic image, well before he ever stepped into the spotlight, handcrafted walls and barriers to keep himself detached and others uninterested. Moony being so persistent, even in the face of all his insults and cold apathy, was an unprecedented inconvenience, and it made him want to scream. “Hm.” He was leaning forward now, taking a renewed interest in studying Moony’s face, scrutinizing each and every detail as if he intended to commit the other to memory in his entirety, like there was some secret hidden behind his eyes that he could easily detect – it was the most eye contact he’d bother to make since the party, and a small part of him wished it made Moony feel as uncomfortable to be watched so closely as it made him. “I guess. Just a lot of pressure.” He forced something false like pity into the words before reclining back into his seat, in an instant just as uninterested as a moment ago. 

Moony couldn’t help but feel a slight twang of discomfort as Benji seemed to scan his face, wondering what the other was looking at... or for. He didn’t move though, letting the other do his thing and at least hoping he would get whatever answer he needed. “Yeah,” He agreed, his body releasing just the slightest bit of tension he had been holding when Benji leaned back. Up until recently the only pressure he had been feeling was surrounded around the idea of messing up or other’s not liking his music, but his management had piled a bunch more on after the other night’s events. He tried not to dwell on it though, knowing it could easily swallow him. “It’s different, but I guess different is always bad,” He decided. “Is that what’s bothering you though?”

Lincoln was good at least at staying in the moment and moving on quickly when the topic changed, never one to dwell on a bad feeling. “Okay, then let’s do the cliche touristy thing first and get you a picture at platform 9 ¾,” she decided, pulling her phone from her purse as she walked so she could order them a cab.

“Yeah, I’d definitely like that,” Moony grinned, watching over her shoulder as she got the cab. “What other things are there to do here?” He questioned. “I know there’s a studio tour... but that might take a long time.”

Lincoln let out a soft sigh when Moony dropped the subject, grateful to be moving on with her day and not answering further questions about Benji. “Please, let’s,” she agreed, pushing herself up off of his bed and heading for the door. “I’ve been to King’s Cross, but I don’t know if you have so we can do that first if you want,” she suggested. “Or I really wanna go to the London Zoo and see the reptile house.” 

Moony followed her to the door, glad to have at least gotten the girl moving towards a better mood. “This tour is my first time out of even California,” he told, shoving his hands in his pockets as they walked. “But I’m happy to go wherever you choose,” just lead the way.

Benji sighed, tilting his neck back until his head was perched on the head rest, eyes rolling up to study the ceiling, wishing very much that he were in the business of believing in some powerful being above that he could then ask for the patience to deal with this conversation right now. It was a loaded question – was he okay? He wanted to answer Moony with a million questions of his own, ranging from the simplicity of why he even cared in the first place to a more aggressive rendition of why he couldn’t just mind his own business. He didn’t like being watched the way that the other’s eyes tended to follow him, feeling exposed in a way he hadn’t allowed in quite a while. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” He answered instead, an easy lie that he had mastered over a decade ago, a grin sharp and intense on his lips, looking back down to meet Moony’s eyes once again. “I would be more worried about myself if I were you. I mean, isn’t this your first tour?” He scoffed, clearly intending to weaponize the words, a cruel first attempt at deflecting his own behavior and irritating the other into abandoning the conversation altogether.

Moony continued to watch Benji’s movement. He was almost immediately thrown into his drunken mindset from the other night, wishing he could read the other’s thoughts as he clearly had a lot of them. “You just seem very up in your head,” He tried to explain, hoping it didn’t come across the wrong way. He was ready to explain himself further, stopping only as the other kept talking. The words hitting hard, he froze slightly. Of course he had been overly stressed about the new tour experience, added in with the pressure his management was currently putting on him, but he wasn’t sure what that had to do with anything. “I’m nervous yeah,” He nodded. “But I think I’m doing okay.”

Lincoln frowned. She knew her answer to his question, but she wasn’t convinced her answer was the right one. She’d spent her entire public life being told that her own thoughts and feelings shouldn’t be the ones she was voicing, and as much as she wanted to be real with Moony, she feared that if she gave him even one loose thread, her entire story would unravel and she wouldn’t be able to recover from all the lies she’d told. “No,” she replied extremely tentatively, not sure she saying the right thing. “I just mean,” she sighed. “We’re friends.” It was a lie she’d told enough times, every time someone asked her about him, that she could tell it fairly convincingly. “It’s complicated.”

Moony wanted to believe Lincoln, he really did. He couldn’t tell if it was complicated because she did in fact have feelings for him or something else that the girl just wasn’t telling him. He didn’t want to push at this moment and ruin her day in London, especially since she had already seemed off the past couple of days. “Okay,” He decided, at least for the moment. “Ready to go get our Potter on?”

Lincoln chewed gently on the inside of her cheek as she considered Moony’s question. She looked down at the bedspread, drawing lines with her finger in line with the design as she thought. “He’s just,” she stopped, not sure what exactly she could, or even wanted to disclose. Being entirely honest when talking about Benji was always off the table for her, between her label’s demands and her own moral compass keeping her from saying anything mean about anyone. “It’s complicated,” she stated, hoping her tone implied it wasn’t something she wanted to continue speaking about. “There’s 7 billion other people on this planet. Plenty of other options.”

Moony wanted to just accept Lincoln’s answer, but his head was absolutely reeling. 21 years and he had never even considered another boy this way and now that he suddenly did he was supposed to find another option. It wasn’t that he found himself pining over Benji or feeling a need for a repeat of the other night, but he did want to to figure himself out. Having to find an attraction for a completely new guy to do that made the process feel that much more complicated. “Wait...” He finally said, looking up at Lincoln. “Do you like him?”

Benji wrestled his hand into stilling its movement as Moony sat across from him, shoving it into his lap instead in an effort to fully conceal his bundle of nervous energy. He had a facade of indifference to keep up, after all – he didn’t want people setting expectations. “Eh. Everybody will get on just fine without me for one whole day.” He shrugged, a spitting image of nonchalance. He forced himself into staring through Moony easily, unseeing, as if the man in front of him was a pleasant stranger, rather than somebody he had drunkenly made out with just a few nights prior. “It’s just press. Boring.”

Moony hadn’t noticed Benji’s hand until the other pulled it back. He raised his eyebrow, glancing under the table without being obvious to watch the other’s hand. He wasn’t sure if he was just a fidgety person, or uncomfortable, but he was curious. “I’m sure I’m not the only person who would notice you were gone,” He told, his voice soft now trying to comfort the other instead of just conversing. “I agree,” he nodded. “I’d much rather only have to do the performing part.” Watching the other’s eyes, Moony licked his lips slightly. “...are you okay?”

Lincoln stayed quiet for a moment, considering Moony’s words. “Oh,” she said again, familiar at least with the general concept of Benji’s increase in friendliness when he had been drinking, though she’d never actually known anyone who had hooked up with him, at least that she was aware of. “Well, for the record, if you do like guys, I’m in full support,” she told him, wanting to reassure that wasn’t the part of his confession that had unsettled her. “But you’d probably be better off liking guys who aren’t Benji.” She didn’t mean to be harsh, but she couldn’t help but say it. 

Moony gave Lincoln a small smile. It did help to know that whatever he did settle on, at least he still had a friend to lean back on. However, the smile started to fade when she continued to talk about Benji. He wasn’t upset because she was talking down on the other, but more so the fact that he was trying to figure out what that meant for and about himself. “What’s wrong with Benji?” He questioned, his voice quieter than it had been before. 

“He tried to leave her when she was pregnant,” Lincoln replied, stating the fact quite simply. The girl couldn’t help but smile slightly at Moony’s embarrassment, though it faded slightly at the mention of Benji. “Oh,” she said softly, trying not to let her distaste show. “Are you two…?” she trailed off, not sure what she was asking exactly. 

“Touche,” Moony hummed. He watched Lincoln’s reaction to what he had admitted, licking his lips slightly. He knew the two were friends, well not friends, but they seemed to have some sort of connection and he didn’t want to upset her... which he seemed he had. “No... we were just drunk. I don’t even know how I feel about guys.”

Lincoln leaned back on her hands while the boy changed. “I never really liked them as a couple. It felt like she had to beg him to be with her,” she started to explain, but stopped short when he took his shirt off. “Also if we were in love I’d be required to ask you who it was that tried to turn you into one giant hickey,” she teased. 

“I mean he was struggling with quite a lot,” Moony pointed out. He glanced down at his chest at her comment, having temporarily forgotten they were there. Shaking his head, he ran his fingers through his hair to fix it. “It was Benji...” He admitted, closing his eyes slightly in embarrassment.

“That makes me sad,” Lincoln told the boy, frowning softly. “My dad read me the books when I was little,” she explained, following Moony into the room and wandering over to the bed, sitting down while she waited for Moony to look for his shirt. “I will accept that compromise,” Lincoln agreed with a little nod. “I’m a Hufflepuff so I probably should have claimed Tonks instead, but if you’re a Marauder I wanna be a Marauder too.” 

Moony shrugged it off. He knew his childhood was different, but he never really felt like he was missing out on anything. Plus he found Harry Potter on his own, so he couldn’t be mad at his parents. “If you were Tonks we could have been in love,” He hummed, playfully wiggling his eyebrows at her. Finding his shirt, he took off the one he was already wearing, forgetting about the hickies on his chest that had not been covered up with makeup, and pulling the new shirt on.