moony

he’d been deep in thought which was nearly always an inconsolable trance-like state of mind for him.   countless thoughts raced in his mind,   each of them harder to grasp than the other,   fast enough that they only served to confuse sirius even more.   the ongoing war which has left its mark on all of his years at hogwarts,   whether he’d known for the first years of school or not;   the order which had once seemed such an elusive recourse for his future but now it was on his mind more often than it should be.   finally,   the current revelation which sent him teetering into a spiral to begin with.   the hypothetical scenario in which remus joined the war effort as a spy.   more than that,   as exactly what he was.   a werewolf,   pretending to join the ranks of creatures like him. 

not creatures,   though.   people.   if that distinction could even be made for the werewolves who served the dark lord.   there was one place in this entire world that was the farthest from where sirius wished remus to be.   company which,   if it were up to him,   the other marauder would never have to know.   ❛  what makes you think they wouldn’t smell the betrayal on you?   ❜    it was a rhetorical question but no less valid even so.   there was more he could use to argue against remus’s line of logic,   but he had the distinct impression that they would end up going around in circles about it,   like they usually did.   with a shuddering sigh,   sirius conceded.   

❛  if you only want to join the order because of james and me,   don’t.   we’ll have enough of hero wannabes who dream of one day becoming decorated victors.  ❜   all of the energy from before,   from sitting quietly and still in the library with nothing to occupy his mind but his own restless voice in his mind,   from the exhilaration of pranking the younger slytherin and making a run for it with remus in tow.   all of it was coming back to him in a wave.   his fingers were ceaseless now,   drumming aimlessly against his thigh.   he had to let it spill somehow.   he was full to the brim with it.   

he tried stretching his neck,   waiting for that bit of release when it cracked,   but that didn’t happen either.   soreness settled into his bones and once again,   sirius found himself in need to stand and pace.   ❛  just for once,   do something that doesn’t involve running around after someone else.  ❜   he was being cruel,   that much he knew.   but he couldn’t stop the onslaught of words once they spilled past his lips.   it felt rejuvenating.   ❛  you’re so concerned with whether people want you or need you,   as if that will give you any purpose.  ❜   stop.   stop now.   ❛  of course the order doesn’t want a werewolf fighting on their side.   you’d be a liability.   they’d send you off to meet with — with him just in hopes that you’ll defect so they can say,   look,   werewolves,   nothing but nasty creatures.  ❜   it was too late to swerve.   all that was left to do now was to brace for the full collision.   ❛  and maybe you will.  ❜ 

That was not the reaction Remus had expected. He was pretty proud of his little joke and Sirius didn’t even snicker. Quite on the contrary, he had decided to go straight for Remus’ jugular with a metaphorical knife and Remus wondered where that was coming from. At least that took care of the problem that Remus didn’t want to stop holding Sirius’ hand, because now his skin prickled uncomfortably where it was in contact with Sirius’ and he pull his hand away to cross his arms in front of his chest. Always nice to receive a reminder of what he was, it reminded him that he didn’t really have the right to just touch Sirius without a second thought. 

“The world doesn’t revolve around you and James. Besides, you’re the last person I want to hear this from, considering you’re following James. I want to join because I have a lot to lose as a half-blood.” There was a frown on Remus’ face and he looked down at the cigarette in his hand where the tip was glowing orange. It was so short by now, it threatened to burn Remus’ fingers soon. He really ought not to take Sirius’ bait, especially since he had no idea why his friend was suddenly so intent on picking a fight with him, but it was hard to resist. Sirius in general was so hard to resist, no matter the context.

He shook his head to clear his mind for a moment. The sheer offence he felt bubbled up in his chest and Remus forced it down. Calm down. Sirius wants to rile you up. He doesn’t actually think you’d ever join you-know-who. 

it was true that together,   as a unit,   they gave remus plenty of opportunities to exercise his creativity and put in practice all that written knowledge he spent countless hours retaining.   but at the end of the day,   it was remus’s touch of magic that smoothed out all the kinks in their plans and brought in new elements that topped each previous endeavour.    ❛  of course i do.   it’s not mystery,   that.  ❜

he held back on what was sure to be a most unflattering snort,   if only to spare remus his cynicism.   he had once venerated the elder professors at hogwarts but it has been years since then.   he’d once thought that they could do no wrong,   that there was nothing in the wizarding world that could pose a threat to them,   that their knowledge and prowess was unmatched.   of course,   he’d been a child then,   no more than a wide-eyed puppy who found safety and security in adults as long as they stood against everything his parents preached.   

the world was not black or white,   however,   nor was it only evil or good.   they were only dumbledore’s responsibility for as long as the school had something to lose - manpower or reputation alike - if any harm came to them.   after school,   however,   they’d be on their own.   sirius supposed that dumbledore thought he was being merciful to let remus down now,   while he could still mend whatever holes he left in remus’s trust and blind loyalty.   he didn’t know who he pitied more.

he stole another drag from the cigarette before holding it out for remus to take it.   james,   ever the hero,   the spitting image of altruism and doing what was right to further a good cause,   was always bound to join the war effort.   sirius was only surprised that it had taken him this long to realise that his best friend was sure to follow this path.   for sirius,   the decision was instant.   he would follow,   no matter where the war would take james,   for however long it took.   peter,   of course,   would abandon all plans he might have otherwise had to pledge his contribution as well.   the issue of remus’s enlistment was different.   remus was remus,   and sirius felt a little lightheaded at the thought of him joining the order.   

❛  you’re a skilled duellist.   you have a keen mind and an eye for detail.   you are brave and strategic and alert.  ❜   all that was in line with sirius’s belief that the other boy had a brilliant mind.   he hated it now and made no effort to hide the disdain in his voice.     ❛  the order should feel privileged to have you.   or anyone else,   for that matter.  ❜   at that,   he chanced a furtive glance at remus.   if lyall lupin said that,   then it must be true.   though what change anyone could ensure for such dark creatures under the tyranny of the dark lord was beyond him.    ❛  why?   what does that have to do with you?  ❜ 

He took the cigarette gratefully and wasted no time placing it between his lips. He hadn’t lied, he really did need those ten - actually eleven! - smokes and he only got one, which explained why he sucked the nicotine into his body like a madman. Remus also had the faint suspicion that he needed more nicotine than others due to his wolf physiology but he didn’t know how to test that theory. He and Sirius often smoked together and it didn’t look like Sirius needed less cigarettes than he did.

Remus grinned widely. Oh Sirius. Lovely lovely Sirius. Always so keen on complimenting Remus, making sure he never feels inadequate and always reminding him to go easy on himself. His face felt hot and he knew it must be red as Lily’s hair. It was so nice to have someone advocate for you, who seemed to have such faith in your worth - even if in this case, Sirius’ pep talk wasn’t even necessary. 

Automatically, Remus’ free hand not busy with the smoke reached out and he curled his fingers around Sirius’ wrist gently. “I know, Sirius. Defence against the Dark Arts is my best subject and I sent James flying two days go. I am pretty great at that. What I meant is whether I can still be of use despite my condition. I’ll be missing out entire days and it’s not like I can tell a death eater ‘sorry mate, too tired today, it’s that time of the month’.”

if i'm on wolfsbane?......yes.

rules:  please  repost,  don’t  reblog!  bold  what  applies  usually,  italicize  what  applies  sometimes,  and  strike  out what  never  or  rarely  applies.

ANGER.        jaw  clenching,  hands  balling  into  fists,  teeth  grinding,  yelling,  going  nonverbal,  stuttering  speech,  rushed  speech, slow  concise  speech,  rambling,  quiet,  arms  crossing, shaking  head, tearing  up,  animated,  expressionless,  projects,  internalizes,  vents,  withdraws,  tighter  movements,  passive  aggressive,  direct,  physical  outbursts,  verbal  outbursts

JOY.       easy  smiles,  fighting  back  grins,  suppressed  laughter, loud  laughter,  giggles,  chuckling,  smirks,  whole  body  laughs,  covers  mouth  when  laughing/giggling,  throws  head  back  when  laughing,  slaps  leg, touches  people  around  them  when  laughing,  looks  down  when  laughing, looks  for  eye  contact  when  laughing,  sparkling  eyes,  bubbly  happiness,  quiet  subtle  happiness, obnoxious  happiness,  wants  to  spread  joy,  quietly  savors  joy

SADNESS.     crying, bottling  it  up, seeks  distractions,  wallows, meditates  and  processes,  avoidance,  seeks  out  comfort,  withdraws,  swallowing  thickly,  talks  it  out,  internalizes  it, sad  smiles, depression  naps,  uses  alcohol,  uses  drugs,  seeks  out  sources  of  joy,  fidgets  with  sentimental  item, sits  in  silence,  broods,  gets  moody, wants  someone  to  share  the  misery,  tries  to  hide  negative  emotions,  nurtures  others  to  make  themselves  feel  better

EMBARRASSMENT  /  SHAME.         blushing,  looking  away, rubbing  at  back  of  head,  covering  face, laughing  nervously,  laughs  it  off,  overthinks,  lets  it  go,  self  deprecating  humor,  deflects,  gets  irritated,  smiles,  withdraws,  crossing  arms  over  stomach,  crossing  arms  over  chest, hands  in  pockets,  shoulders  sinking,  shrugs,  falling  into  silence  until  comfortable  again, talking  a  lot  to  compensate

GUILT.        avoiding  eye  contact, shoulders  sinking  low,  head  hanging  down,  crying, chest  aches, lashes  out,  internalizes,  apologizes,  deflects,  communicates,  withdraws,  grand  gestures  for  forgiveness,  accepts  fault  easily,  punishes  themselves,  martyrdom,  victim  complex, over-active  guilt  complex,  healthy  conscience, internalizes  even  after  forgiveness,  seeks  redemption,  moves  on  easily,  denial,  lack  of  guilt/conscience, sorry  they  got  caught  more  than  caused  harm,  can’t  handle  knowing  they  hurt  others