feel free to adjust pronouns / names as needed !

❛   the best years of my life are gone. and they sucked.  ❜  

❛   but i’ve got style, i’ve got flair.  ❜  

❛   i just wanted to eat bacon.  ❜  

❛   good things come to those who wait.  ❜  

❛   you blew into our lives five years ago like a whirlwind.  ❜  

❛   you made us all feel alive again.  ❜  

❛   for that alone, i’ll love you forever.  ❜  

❛   why don’t you just take a dip in the dead sea with a haemorrhoid.  ❜  

❛   i told you i loved you. but then i took it back!  ❜  

❛   my god what are all these flowers for?  ❜  

❛   either their date went really well or he died and we’re hosting the wake.  ❜  

❛   save it, no one’s gonna hear you. this was originally a bomb shelter.  ❜  

❛   there’ll always be people out there who don’t like you. you’re irritating.  ❜  

❛   right. no distractions. such as setting a small but containable fire.  ❜  

❛   you’ve barely spoken a word to me in 12 hours. it’s scaring me.  ❜  

❛   it’s a waste of money. …so i’ve heard.  ❜  

❛   if i had to like every one of my friends i wouldn’t have any!  ❜  

❛    if you ever hurt one of my kids again, they’ll be wiping your blue blood off the walls.  ❜  

❛   when they shot bambi’s mother, did you find that a sad moment?  ❜  

❛   he is truly sensitive. when he cries, snot comes out of his nose.  ❜  

❛   how about severe depression brought on by feelings of inadequacy & fear of death?  ❜

❛   shut your mouth. we are not a pez dispenser.  ❜  

❛   blood is thicker than water. and you can wash them both off of plastic slip covers.  ❜  

❛   you have no idea how cruel children can be.  ❜  

❛   i hate myself… do it again.  ❜  

❛   this will be a great party. a bunch of 60-year-old ladies pinching my cheeks.  ❜  

❛   learn to love it. that’s as close to a woman as you’ll ever get.  ❜  

❛   i could kill you. i could rip out your heart with my bare hands!  ❜  

❛   one part of me says, “get out the window, quick!” but the other part just has to know why.  ❜  

❛   isn’t that sweet? you’re bonding with the sheep. not the first one, i’m sure.  ❜  

❛   i knew you’d find some way to blame it all on me.  ❜  

❛   i should have defended you yesterday but i totally wimped out.  ❜  

❛   i came because they brought me and i don’t know how to get home from here.  ❜  

❛   you know i don’t like to be filmed when i’m eating.  ❜  

❛   which is why there’s more footage of bigfoot than of her.  ❜  

❛   she’s only happy when she’s making everyone around her miserable.  ❜  

❛   do something wild, out there, totally unexpected, i don’t know.  ❜  

❛   you realize, of course, now i’m going to have to kill you.  ❜  

❛   you are a pathetic excuse for a man.  ❜  

❛   there’s nothing wrong with being just a pretty face. in fact, it’s a plus if you have no skills.  ❜  

❛   that is not true! i got this job because i lied on my resume.  ❜  

❛   it is just so adorable how you can’t really express the way you feel.  ❜  

❛   she tried to swallow a whole rotisserie chicken in her mouth like a python.  ❜  

❛   all this anger and bitterness is just a mask for low self-esteem.  ❜  

❛   look at your shiny new coat. have you been adding cod liver oil to your diet?  ❜  

❛   oh, easy. he keeps in shape by running from commitment.  ❜  

❛   i have to talk to you about our relationship and the way it seems to have escalated.  ❜  

❛   honey, you look like a smart woman. you’re not, but you look like one.  ❜  

❛   i can share these feelings with you because i’m not in love with you.  ❜  

❛   nobody looks good at two in the morning.  ❜  

❛   are you implying that i cannot keep this thing a secret?  ❜  

❛   oh, you can tell this play was written by a man.  ❜  

❛   hey, we’re not into kinky stuff. one time we ate cheesecake off each other, but that’s only ‘cause no one wanted to get up to get a napkin.  ❜  

❛   sweetheart, you know i’d eat you last.  ❜  

❛   some things just get better with age! like a fine bordeaux!  ❜  

❛   louder, i don’t think they heard you in uruguay.  ❜  

❛   i’ll fight for all those small, defenseless creatures out there.  ❜  

❛   honey, as long as i am living under your roof you will do as i say.  ❜  

❛   it is raining outside – maybe she melted?  ❜  

❛   you’re single by choice. it’s just not your choice.  ❜  

❛   i feel like i have died and gone to heaven.  ❜  

❛   i have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.  ❜  

❛   there is only one man who can satisfy a woman in two minutes; colonel sanders.  ❜  

‘  how’s  your  head  ?  ’

‘  i  think  i’ll  live.  ’

‘  i  know  what  it’s  like  to  want  to  runaway  from  home.  ’

‘  you  had  it  good  !  and  you  still  wanted  to  run  away  !  i  didn’t  have  a  choice  !  ’

‘  take  her  name  out  of  your  mouth.  ’

‘  you  don’t  deserve  to  mourn.  ’

‘  you  just  love  the  attention.  ’

‘  do  you  get  bored  ?  ’  

‘  you  like  the  power  you  have.  ’

‘  i  hope  you  get  caught  in  the  law.  ’

‘  do  you  think  that  you’re  happy  ?  just  wait  until  you’re  sure.  ’

‘  was  it  the  best  you  ever  had  ?  ’

’  i’d  do  anything  for  you,  mrs.  highness.  ’

’  my  teeth  are  yellow.  would  you  like  me  a  little  better  if  they  were  white  like  yours  ?  ’

’  i  need  to  purge  my  urges.  '  

’  i  need  an  alibi  to  justify  or  somebody  to  blame.  ’

‘  why  can’t  you  be  a  dick  ?  why  must  you  be  so  nice  ?  ’

‘  it’s  hard  for  me  to  move  on  when  i  don’t  really  hate  you.  ’

’  you  better  handle  your  shit.  ’

’  the  devil  ain’t  a  friend  to  no  one,  but  fine.  ’

’  hey,  why  you  been  calling  this  late  ?  ’

’  you’re  too  busy  saving  everybody  else  to  save  yourself,  and  you  don’t  want  no  help.  ’

’  every  time  the  teacher’d  call  on  me,  i’d  be  hard.  ’

‘  i  thought  it  was  only  me:  i  thought  i  was  a  sex  maniac  !  ’

‘  don’t  you  wanna  feel  anything  else  ?  ’

‘  i  can’t  feel  a  thing  anymore.  ’

‘  everything’s  a  horrible  bore.  ’

‘  living  is  a  terrible  chore.  ’

‘  there’s  nothing  new  to  do  in  brooklyn  anymore.  ’

‘  kiss  your  christmas  tree  goodbye  !  ’

‘  i’ll  burn  it  to  the  ground.  ’

‘  i’ll  show  you  what  true  misery  feels  like.  ’

‘  uh  oh,  boner  alert.  ’

‘  he  said  you  got  two  lives  down  and  one  life  left.  ’

‘  you  could  think  better  with  a  hole  in  your  head.  ’

‘  i’d  tell  someone.  ’

‘  is  that  a  threat  ?  ’

‘  i  don’t  wanna  start  any  blasphemous  rumors,  but  i  think  that  god’s  got  a  sick  sense  of  humor,  and  when  i  die,  i  expect  to  find  him  laughing.  ’

‘  in  oedipus’  defense  .  .  .  ’  

‘  it’s  harder  than  it  looks  not  to  end  up  in  an  emotionally  charged  narrative  climax  where  you  murder  your  father.  ’

‘  oh,  i’d  never  kill  my  father  !  ’

‘  you’re  projecting.  again.  ’

‘  anyway,  what  were  we  talking  about  ?  ’

❛  tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions.  ❜ ❛  nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.  ❜ ❛  tell me you love me, come back and haunt me.  ❜ ❛  look at the stars, look how they shine for you.  ❜ ❛  and i will try to fix you.  ❜ ❛  but if you never try, you’ll never know just what you’re worth.  ❜ ❛  i promise you i will learn from my mistakes.  ❜ ❛  you know you make my world light up.  ❜ ❛  i don’t care, go on and tear me apart.  ❜ ❛  so if you love someone, you should let them know.  ❜ ❛  did i drive you away ?  ❜ ❛  i’ll always look out for you.  ❜ ❛  i know i was wrong but i won’t let you down.  ❜ ❛  you make me feel like i’m alive again.  ❜ ❛  how much do you wanna risk ?  ❜ ❛  i want something just like this.  ❜ ❛  am i part of the cure ? or am i part of the disease ?  ❜ ❛  i call it magic when i’m with you.  ❜ ❛  i don’t want anybody else but you.  ❜ ❛  i want to know when i can go back and get drunk with my friends.  ❜ ❛  i want to be with you ’til the whole world ends.  ❜ ❛  is there nothing that you wanna say ?  ❜ ❛  won’t you come and won’t you stay ?  ❜ ❛  what in the world are we going to do ?  ❜ ❛  how in the world am i going to see you as my brother, not my enemy ?  ❜ ❛  sometimes i just can’t take it and it isn’t alright.  ❜ ❛  i’m so happy that i’m alive, happy i’m alive at the same time as you.  ❜ ❛  in you i see someone special.  ❜ ❛  i never meant to cause you trouble.  ❜ ❛  all i know is that i love you so much that it hurts.  ❜ ❛  once upon a time we fell apart, you’re holding in your hands the two halves of my heart.  ❜ ❛  i had to find you, tell you i need you, tell you i set you apart.  ❜ ❛  the truth is that i miss you.  ❜ ❛  every step that you take could be your biggest mistake. it could bend or it could break. but that’s the risk that you take.  ❜ ❛  in a sky full of stars i think i saw you.  ❜ ❛  when you’re in pain, when you think you’ve had enough, don’t ever give up.  ❜ ❛  just because i’m losing doesn’t mean i’m lost.  ❜ ❛  so come over, just be patient and don’t worry.  ❜ ❛  i have no doubt, one day the sun will come out.  ❜ ❛  you are the one that i wanted to find.  ❜

❛  i know we only just met but i already feel like i’ve known you my whole life.  ❜ ❛  umm, is this seat taken ?  ❜ ❛  don’t be alarmed now but there’s someone following you. pretend you know me and come with me. i’ll get you somewhere safe.  ❜ ❛  my friends ditched me here and now i could really use a ride home.  ❜ ❛  i don’t think we’ve met yet but you looked like you needed someone to talk to.  ❜ ❛  can you please pretend to be my boyfriend / girlfriend for a moment so my ex will leave me alone ?   ❜ ❛  are you always this straightforward with strangers ?  ❜ ❛  here, i noticed you lost this earlier.  ❜ ❛  i’m sorry, i must’ve mistaken you for somebody else.  ❜ ❛  so, what brings you here today ?  ❜ ❛  hi, my name is [name]. it’s nice meeting you.  ❜ ❛  you’re cute. how about i buy you a drink ?  ❜ ❛  can’t you watch where you are going ?!  ❜ ❛  i just moved into the apartment next to you, so i guess we’re gonna be neighbors now.  ❜ ❛  oh god, you’re [name], aren’t you ?  ❜ ❛  here, let me help you.  ❜ ❛  is there a reasons you’re here on your own ?  ❜ ❛  apparently we’re going to be working on this together now.  ❜ ❛  you look like you could use a hand with that.  ❜ ❛  what do people around here do to have some fun ?  ❜ ❛  looks like this will take a while, huh ?  ❜ ❛  oh god. please tell me you haven’t just heard me talk to myself.  ❜ ❛  excuse me, i think i’m lost.  ❜ ❛  i just wanted to say that i really like your outfit.  ❜ ❛  do you come here often ?  ❜ ❛  do you mind if i join you for a bit ?  ❜ ❛  you looked lonely so i got you a drink.  ❜ ❛  i don’t think we’ve met, i’m [name].  ❜ ❛  what the hell just happened there ?  ❜ ❛  have you seen this anywhere ? i must’ve lost it.  ❜ ❛  can i please use your phone ? i have to call someone to get me out of here.  ❜ ❛  seems like we’re gonna be spending a lot of time together.  ❜ ❛  come with me, and don’t ask any questions. it’s urgent.  ❜ ❛  i heard strange noises coming from your apartment and just wanted to make sure everything is alright.  ❜ ❛  i have a spare ticket, you wanna come in with me ?  ❜ ❛  you don’t know me but will you be my date for tonight ?  ❜ ❛  we’ve got some time to kill so why don’t you tell me a little about yourself ?  ❜ ❛  i don’t usually just walk up to strangers but my friends set me up to it.  ❜ ❛  i think our orders may have gotten mixed up.  ❜ ❛  do i have something on my face or why do you keep looking at me like that ?  ❜