MoonDays

I know it's already April and very late to say "hi, 2026". I am always late in a lot of things, but at least I show up and tell people that I am alive.

Imagine, you're an introvert and rarely go socializing and the last thing people know about you is you're dead without knowing things you have achieved. It's super sad. This blog is dedicated for marking that I am alive with each of my posts.

This time I will summarize my first quarter of 2026 and share it to you.

So, I actually ended 2025 and started 2026 wonderfully, by going on umrah to Saudi. The only person in my family who haven't gone for umrah was me. I finally went there, alone, with the best knowledge I knew on umrah and my survival skills when travelling.

To be honest, even though there were dumb moments several times, but I was always guided back to the right track and felt protected. There was always 'give and take' in everything that happened. If you did good, good would always come back to you. If you were faulted, you would get your rights back better in return. It was so wonderful being there for 10 days (5 days in Makkah, 5 days in Medina). I would LOVE TO return there again and maybe next time with a husband or a good companion.

Since the umrah was a precious journey, I decided to have a reward trip for myself. After, umrah I went to Turkey and this time I had my niece with me. It was our first Turkey trip and her first abroad trip after living in Japan with me. Turkey was fun: delicious food, beautiful buildings, cute kitties everywhere.

February, we were mostly at home, but I went to a strawberry farm for strawberry picking. Had to be quick, before the taste went sour.

March, we both went to a Kpop idol live concert: Super Junior. For me, they were the first group that I put interest into and I just had to see them on their 20th anniversary (especially my bias, Heechul, was there). For my niece, this was her first Kpop concert ever. Even though she had to watch those ahjussis, she was pretty entertained.

Come April, where we see so many sakura blooms everywhere. Well, some other areas already had their sakura bloomed in March, because of the weather and types of tree. In our area, most of the trees full bloom in April. We went for a hanami, that is a picnic while viewing the flowers. Every year, I always took out Puma for a photoshoot. Starting this year, the photoshoots are special, because I have a wardrobe assistant/photographer/Puma's carer beside me.

The photo that I uploaded here was one of those. Isn't my baby gorgeous?

Anyway, we went to a park, picked a spot and just stayed there for as long as we could. Puma was anxious at first, because it was his first time to that park (we usually went to a different one). But after a while, he found a great spot (on the bush grass) for him to lie down and watch the surrounding. He even spooked a dog that passed him by and almost gave the dog a paw-fist.

Overall, I enjoyed the early 2026. Still with a lot of problems, but I think I can cope better now that I have a partner. Actually, this was what my niece said to me this morning: Aunty, I'm sorry I dragged you to do a lot of weird random things. But I bet you, with me around, your life has been more colorful, right?

This year is going to end soon and I just realized that I only posted once in the beginning of 2025. Wow!

I guess, better things happened to me this year and that made me less writing about my emotions.

I went to a lot of places, even new places. Always try to spend time with people who are close to me even if it's just a lunch. Got busier with work as well, which means more responsibility.

I feel like I have grown a lot from a lot of things that I experienced during the whole year. Good thing, but I am still learning.

Good morning!

It's 2025 already and we're growing everyday.

Tumblrを始めてから13周年を迎えました 🥳

안녕

Since I was in high school, I began to put interest in Korean Rhythm Game called Pump It Up. It's a game where you stomp the panel according to the arrows showing up on the screen while listening to the song. So many fun and interesting songs and then I went collecting a lot of Korean songs in my playlist afterwards.

I also watched some dubbed version Korean dramas on television and I actually liked some of them. But when I watched the original version, it irritated me that the way of the Koreans talk are always full of yelling and anger. At some points, even though I liked Korean songs, I ended up disliking the language.

A few years later, when I was still studying Japanese language in Indonesia, a friend of mine tried to influence my with the language. She showed me the basic of Hangeul when we were in an airplane on the way back of our vacation in Hong Kong. I listened, but I was not that interested. Besides, I was also still struggling with studying Japanese, so I couldn't even think of putting interest in other things yet.

Skip to recent years when I'm already in Japan, living (not) my fullest. A junior of mine in Japanese language school here, introduced me to a newly founded boyband that consist of 20 something boys. She enthusiastically showed me the handsome boys (according her taste) at that time. But since I never really put deep interest in Korean music (I listen, like and recognise some) and I'm not a fangirl type, I ignored the boyband's info. I thought remembering the whole members' name was pretty tough, because it quite took me some time to learn Super Junior's members, so I didn't want to repeat the cycle.

A year or two later, my niece was going to have a birthday and she told me that she wanted a limited goods from a boyband the she liked. Guess what, it was the same hoy and that my junior introduced me before. While I was trying to fulfill my niece's request, I was drawn to the boyband itself, naturally. I went on researches about the members, watched some MVs and variety shows and eventually I fell for Jeong Jaehyun of NCT.

After that, I started the life of a fangirl. I even told my junior that I became interested in NCT. But she told me this: I've told you that this group is full of handsome boys. Why didn't you like the group once I introduced it to you?

Back to the story of Korean language, it's been around 15 years since I was introduced, I guess. But hey, I realised that I am now pretty interested in the language. I'm currently studying it by myself from basic. I bought some books and I am proud that now I can read Hangeul a little bit. Maybe after putting so much interest in NCT, maybe because I've mastered Japanese language a bit and I found out that there were so many similar vocabularies that I might be able to learn or maybe to have interest in something you just need your own timeline.

Isn't it the same with meeting people? You might start hating the person you meet and but ended up liking the person or vice-versa? I think it's happening with me right now in the term of having interest in something. So what if I don't like something instantly at the beginning, would it ruin our friendship? Would it change your perspective about me as a person?

It came across my mind that I already lived in Japan for 9 years, since April 2014. I came to Japan as a student, with little goals and not so impressive achievements. I only intended to study Japanese, to allow myself being more confident by speaking the language more fluently. It took some times, too. I just realized then that I did not only have troubles in learning language, but in learning about myself also.

I finished Japanese Language School in 2 years, great. But what so not great was, I still felt as an outcast. I felt unwanted, somehow. Even though my homeroom teacher asked me to pursue Master Degree, I felt that he doubted me a lot. But I followed his instructions, as well as doing my own research, I got into the university without failing.

And then I graduated the Master Degree in 2 years, awesome. The degree that I never intended to pursue and extending my stay in Japan, I couldn't believe myself, either. Back to my emotions, I felt empty again and question myself: What now? If I went home, I didn't think I had anything left at home and I was already over 30 at that time. But if I continued, what did I have and deserved to continue here?

I finally got a job after 1 year of job hunting. I actually gave up in the end, because my visa was going to expire in 3 months. But my brother told me that, whenever there is a chance, just take it without thinking too hard. I heard a job vacancy from an old friend and eventually tried going for it, even though I didn't think I had the requirements in social skills.

Eventually, I got my social skills honed up in this company. And looking back, I am already 4 years being employed. It came to me that there were so many changes in me happened in the last 4 years. I would say, the biggest change I had was when Puma came to my life. He adopted me and he taught me to be more patient and caring.

I also got support from the people around me. They were also being kind to me, letting me know that I can count on them any time. I guess, knowing that people need me and vice-versa gives the change in people's heart. I used to be so cold, colder than ice. I treated people without caring for their emotions and people would treat me back in the same way. Even I didn't treat myself warm enough.

I didn't know know what it was to love myself, to be myself. All I knew was if I please people, I would be able to avoid conflicts. I also didn't know what I really wanted in my life, felt like no originality at all.

But, then I started to open up to myself. Forcing myself to leave the comfort zone a little and be braver to embrace whatever was coming towards me. Also, finding the right people to talk about your insecurities and not being judged or even compared to is very important. I used to be afraid of losing some people when I was already being dependent on them. But if at certain points I knew it was going to make me less happier when I'm not happy already, then I should let go and give some space. If the person was meant to be with us, so be it. If they don't, so be it. Because I think I would be the same to anyone else.

I remember that when I was a teenager, I started to like western music that was introduced through Boyzone, Backstreet Boys, Westlife, Spice Girls, M2M, 5ive, B-witched, etc. It was also during those times, I started to become a fangirl.

I fancied Boyzone’s Ronan Keating the most and I even managed to befriend another fan from Hong Kong who sent me Boyzone stuffs once. As far as I remember, her name was Janice Lo (I wish her health and longevity), but I am not certain because I lost most of my stuffs from teen of moving house.

Other group that I fancied was the Spice Girls and I remember clearly that I used to like Mel C because I think her style was also my style during junior high. But then there was a problem afterwards.

I probably grew up being a person who always judge others by the book’s cover. You can decide from the story below.

So, I had a little group of five girls including me and we decided to represent each of the Spice Girls members. I chose Mel C with all my heart, but my then friend disagreed, saying I didn’t deserve Sporty Spice. She didn’t mention why, but all she was saying that I didn’t resemble Mel C enough and other blabbering. I argued that I resemble Mel C enough because I was sporty and I didn’t like the girly look (skirts and dresses and such). And then she cut me off, saying that I’d rather resemble Mel B, because she was the most different of all and she was the Scary Spice. Later on, she explained that Mel B was dark color-skinned and her hairstyle at that time was just not pretty, so I’d be more fit with her image. In other words, I was not that pretty hairstyle-wise and skin-wise. But beyond that, I think she was trying to say that being light color-skinned is a lot better than dark color-skinned and it kind of getting into me.

I didn’t like her making decisions for me (in the end she took the Mel C image for her) and I didn’t like that I got the dark colored girl whom I thought wasn’t so pretty at that time. I got angry because I didn’t get to choose myself and that nobody even backed me up, I felt like being a mock. At the end of they day, I became one of those people who don’t love themselves for who they are.

Years apart later, I saw Mel B on screen again. She was absolutely beautiful and stunning, still sexy as she used to be. And I thought to myself, “why couldn’t I see the beauty inside this person and just embrace it at that time?” I was so busy looking for justification, trying to say that I was as pretty as everyone else but in reality I wasn’t. If only in junior high, I said “Alright, Mel B is fine with me. She is the Scary Spice, I represent her, so you should be scared of me. Because I’m as badass as her.” to the girls, I’d have a different story of life. But I guess I was that scared and needed to get acknowledgement from others all the time.

Last night, he suddenly jumped onto my lap and just threw his body and slowly became drowsy. My adorable baby, Puma. I could watch this all day repeatedly.

It's a high and low living with a creature. But I learn a lot from taking care of Puma. I try to be patient, compassionate, forgiving. But sometimes I'm still a short-wired person and each time that happens, I just talk less to avoid emotion explosion.

Puma and I have a long way to communicate, but we're doing our best every day. What if this happens between me and another human (male) perhaps? Will I be able to take it?

2021 is going to end in a bit. It's sad and happy at the same time.

Here are 3 reasons why I feel sad about 2021:

1. Lost photos

Early 2021, around April I guess, my phone got error and the only way to restore it was to hard reset it. Unfortunately, I didn't have a backup. The latest backup was only around 2019. Welp. My folder of 2020 gone with the reset.

2. Accident

I dealt with car accident (no injured party), twice. In different months, but the later was super embarrassing. I drove in reverse and then I hit other parked car's bumper. Long story short, I had to pay a penalty to my company for my mistake and for a month I had to do clean-up at the office.

3. Emotional distress

I still felt several times of emotional distress, probably because I lack of self-control. I don't know. Sometimes I even think, do I really deserve to feel angry and sad? Why do I have to try so hard to smile and laugh when I don't feel like I want to? Some of the causes were jealousy, disappointment, all of these became a self-blaming.

But, hey. I also have 3 things that made me happy during 2021:

1. Travel

Even though Covid is still around the corner, I managed to travel to places with friends. I went a theme park where only a few people could get in, it was the best theme park visit. I enjoyed some views of nature near a lake, I also had sightseeing of the autumn leaves in several famous spots. But the most important thing is, I went with good friends.

2. Puma

This is probably the best thing that ever happened to me in 2021. Puma became a part of my life and he changed a lot of things on me. Previously I also had his sister with me, but it was temporary. Puma is permanently with me. He is the source of my happiness, he always make my day--although sometimes we both each have bad day. He is my love. Period.

3. Family

I guess a little bit of this is because of Puma. I contact my family, especially Mum, more often. Although mostly it was because I wanted to show off Puma to everyone and everyone loves Puma too. But, yeah, communication had become much easier lately and I'm really grateful for that.

Okay, so it has been 4 months that I don't update at all. It should be every month of updating, but human always makes mistake.

A lot has happened, including my 36th birthday which was considered not everything went fun as expected. But, hey, I love my current age. And I'm trying to enjoy my best.

Let's see, my best moment was probably when I went for a sudden trip to Kansai just to go Starbucks hunting with my friend (and a new friend). So, there was this campaign from Starbucks starting June 30th (my birthday!) to August 3rd, where you can buy a specific Frappuccino made suitable to the local prefecture's taste. Since I am in Aichi Prefecture, I started from here. And then by the weekend when I decided to go to certain prefectures, I saw my friend's posting that showed he was in Aichi. I contacted him and we decided to have the trip together. I dashed myself with minimum preparations and left for Kyoto that day. Eventually, I reached in total 10 prefectures and 11 drinks (I had Aichi twice, because on the last week of the campaign there was an extra menu). A sudden trip (when you have money of course) is actually super fun, especially when you already set you goal on something. I also had planned trip on this hunting and it almost went rough because that was the day after I got my 2nd shot of vaccine (I got Pfizer!). But I guess, got overheating and drinking cold drinks at the same time really did you a heavy headache. But I survived well, lol.

So, a few days ago something happened with my phone. The phone crashed, it kept rebooting and the bitten apple logo kept showing up without ever loading the main menu. It was frustrating. I tried so many ways to restart it, by looking at walkthroughs in the internet. Nothing ever worked. I finally brought the phone to the repair shop and asked for repairing it without losing my data. But they couldn’t do it either. Indeed, something has happened wrongly with my phone. In the end, the phone is reset, which means I lost all my unback-upped data. And yes, my phone was returned to me as if it was a brand new phone T__T Two years worth of photos were gone. The only survivals were the ones that I have uploaded to the In*stagram or F*acebook. Starting over...

This kind of event (experiencing loss, unfortunate, etc.) has happened recently. The crashing phone was the first one and it happened on the first day of Ramadan (the fasting month of Muslim). And then on the next day, I actually forgot exactly what, but I guess I got unfortunate with something in the office. And probably the worst so far was two days ago, when I was going to meet with my trainees. So, we decided to meet up at a place and I was getting near already. But when I was going to reach the parking area, the car that I rode suddenly plunged into a gutter. I quickly stepped out of the car and contacted some people. I didn’t get panic, but it was super embarrassing. I guess three days in a row of ‘unique’ experience was enough to test my patience. Lol

Anyway, not many survived the phone crash and I guess this photo is one of them. It was taken on the first day I decided to start walking/running for the sake of my health. It was on March 28th, exactly on the day the cherry blossom trees were on full bloom. And on the right time, my family in Indonesia were also running. So we video chatted a bit and took this picture with sakura on the background. It was a good photo, feels like I was running together with my family although we are separated by the ocean.

I guess the lesson that I took from my experiences are to back-up everything when I can and the treat people and things more carefully, as if they were fragile glass.

Berawal dari gw scroll linimasa di F*acebook, gw menemukan teman gw---yang hobinya berjualan makanan dan kue---memajang satu set peralatan masak warna kuning. Entah kenapa, gw langsung teringat sama teteh di rumah. Karena dia itu suka banget warna kuning dan ga berubah sampai sekarang.

Terus, gw juga teringat ada satu peristiwa waktu kakak sama teteh datang ke Jepang 3 tahun lalu di acara kelulusan S2 gw. Setelah menghadiri acaranya ya tentu saja ada acara jalan-jalan bersama. Salah satu tujuan jalannya adalah ke Don Quijote (ドン・キホーテ) atau yang sering disingkat Donki. Buat yang belum tahu ini tempat apa, gw jelaskan sedikit. Jadi Donki itu bisa dibilang toko serba ada versi mewah. Mewah karena bangunannya luas dan barang yang dijualnya banyak, dari segi jenis dan jumlah. Semua turis asing yang datang ke Jepang, sudah dipastikan ga akan mau melewatkan mengunjungi toko ini. Nah, dulu waktu ke Donki sama teteh dan kakak, mereka senang banget lihat isinya di toko ini. Yang jelas sih mereka memborong banyak ya, terutama kosmetik dan skincare---ada yang titipan juga sih. Terus, gw ingat waktu sama teteh melewati bagian peralatan dapur, teteh lihat ada semacam wajan kecil dengan tutupnya, warnanya hijau muda pastel. Si teteh bilang lucu dan sempat lirik-lirik ke arah kakak, beri tanda kalau mau benda itu. Tapi kakak dengan tegas menolak. Kalau dipikir-pikir, bawa pulangnya pasti ribet dan ga ada tempat. Jadilah urung membeli wajan mini. Padahal ya gw tahu kalau teteh itu suka masak dan kalaupun beli, pasti bakal berguna banget.

Kemudian 3 tahun berlalu, hari-hari diisi dengan berita corona di mana-mana yang bikin orang susah pergi ke mana-mana. Kebanyakan menghabiskan waktu dengan main game atau cek media sosial. Di antara tautan meme dan komik dan curhatan di linimasa, gw menemukan dagangan dari teman gw yang menarik. Satu set wajan dan panci warna kuning pastel. Waktu gw lihat, ini lucu banget. Kalau kita berkreasi dengan memakai benda yang bagus dan menarik, tentu saja hati kita akan lebih senang dalam berkreasi dan hasilnya akan lebih berkualitas. Betul? Jadi, gw memutuskan akan membelikan satu set wajan ini buat teteh, sebagai hadiah ulang tahun yang tertunda dan karena gw ingat kalau dia pernah ingin punya wajan yang lucu.

Awalnya sih mau surprise dan gw kongkalikong sama kakak. Ini kebiasaan deh kongkalikong buat surprise sama orang rumah. Hahahaha. Terus, di hari yang sama gw kabari kakak, ternyata si teteh dapat notifikasi dari tokonya kalau mereka berterimakasih atas pembelian yang dilakukan. Nah, teteh kaget lah. Ga merasa pernah belanja apapun tapi dapat notifikasi. Keringat dingin dia, terus merajuk ke kakak. Sialnya, notifikasinya resmi dengan akun resmi juga. Jadi waktu kakak mau menyarankan untuk blok akunnya supaya ga terdeteksi mau kasih surprise, malah urung karena akunnya resmi. Akhirnya setelah terdesak, kakak mengaku kalau itu dari gw yang belikan. Bodohnya gw, waktu beli gw pakai nomor teteh untuk informasi penerima. Ya gw ga kepikiran juga kalau bakal ada notifikasi resmi seperti itu, karena selama ini kebanyakan penjual ga akan serajin itu. Biasanya cuma dipakai buat memudahkan pengiriman kalau penerimanya ga ada di rumah. Jadilah gw cuma bisa hehehehe ke teteh waktu dia tahu gw yang belikan wajannya.

Karena teman gw yang jualan tinggal di Bengkulu, jadinya barangnya sampai di rumah hampir seminggu kemudian. Sepertinya sih karena faktor barang pecah belah, ongkos kirim gratis jadi pengiriman bukan yang kilat dan karena ada covid juga yang bikin penerbangan sedikit. Setelah barangnya sampai, ternyata kardusnya besar sekali. Kalau kata kakak sih segede AC. Lalu mereka unbox paketnya dan voila! Barang-barangnya asli cantik. Gw lihat video waktu mereka unboxing, teteh kelihatan senang banget. Gw pun ikut tersenyum lihat dia senang. Tapi gw paling tertawa senang melihat foto ini. Kucing di rumah ikutan bahagia karena dia bisa main kardus. Bahkan kakak saja kaget katanya, karena ga tahu kapan dia masuk ke kardus dan tetiba muncul dari dalam kardus. Timing-nya bagus dan fotonya juga bagus.

Pesan moralnya adalah, setelah kita berbuat kebaikan, biasanya kita akan merasa senang. Dan gw senang sudah bisa mencerahkan suasana di rumah meskipun gw jauh di Jepang. (Tapi gw jadi gemas karena ga bisa uwel-uwel ucing lucu ini---namanya Hima, jadi ya nikmati fotonya saja.)

Two months have passed since 2021 started and I feel like I have a lot of changes within me. The things that I feel, I realize; the things that happen in my surrounding. So far, everything is good. The old myself would often drown in negative emotions everytime things went south and unexpected. That old me was very very dark. While the current me, is slowly heading for the light.

So, for example, the people at work messed up and they got nasty at me. I don’t usually hide my feelings or expressions, so I would normally react as negative as them; a.k.a. angry or annoyed. Like, there is this person at work, he doesn’t work as hard as anyone else and he’s a type of person who can never read the room. I used to pissed of easily of him and I even avoided having contacts with him, probably because of how I was annoyed by his existence. But then I realize, he doesn’t deserve any of my emotions, not even the anger. My emotions are too precious to waste for a person who can’t even empathize with people. So, I stopped being angry towards him, I just ignore everything about him and only in contact when necessary (which is very rare) with neutral emotion. Nowadays, I try to calm myself and try to take things not too far. And I try to smile more, although still difficult at times especially when people take photos of me.

My co-workers thought that all of these times, I was troubled financially and that was thought as the greatest cause for my moody emotion. Once I am moody, not even the brightest sun could outshine my gloom. But they were all wrong. Because I had greater and deeper troubles to face and I have mentioned several of those in my previous posts. Of course, slowly my troubles are going away, but I still struggle with some. Such as approval from others.

Ga kerasa sudah di penghujung tahun 2020, waktu benar-benar cepat berlalu. Kayaknya baru kemarin gw pindah prefektur buat mulai kerja atau ajak jalan-jalan ponakan ke USJ dan Disneyland, ternyata waktu sudah berlalu secepat shinkansen berlari.

Ngomong-ngomong soal shinkansen, akhir tahun 2020 ini gw isi dengan melakukan perjalanan singkat dengan shinkansen ke daerah Tohoku. Biasanya akhir tahun ada acara pengajian di Osaka, tapi karena ada coro yang ga kunjung hilang, maka acara menginapnya ditiadakan. Ya sudah, kalau gitu gw mau goro-goro di rumah aja. Tadinya. Terus gw lihat ada kampanye JR East Welcome Rail Pass 2020 yang biasanya ditujukan buat turis asing pemegang paspor, sekarang dibikin pokoknya buat semua yang punya paspor (kecuali orang Jepang). Dulu ga pernah kepikiran buat coba jalan sama pass ini karena kirain cuma buat turis yang ada tanda landing di Jepang gitu. Terus mungkin karena sekarang gegara coro, devisa negara berkurang, jadi digalakkan buat penduduk asing di Jepang yang ga bisa mudik juga ke negaranya.

Singkat cerita, gw memutuskan buat pergi pakai kampanye ini sama teman gw yang tinggal di Tokyo. Tujuan utamanya adalah ke Ginzan onsen di Prefektur Yamagata. Sisanya, gw masih belum kepikiran tapi ada keinginan buat iseng ke Aomori. Kenapa Aomori, padahal ga ada apa-apa di sana, soalnya Aomori itu prefektur paling ujung di pulau Honshu. Gw kepikiran harus paling ga pernah singgah di situ selama ada cara mudah ke sana.

Tapi kocaknya perjalanan ini adalah adanya bumbu drama kekacauan yang bikin gw hampir ga jadi berangkat (dan ga bisa pulang juga, combo banget). Semuanya cuma gegara tiketnya ga sengaja gw hilangkan. Di sini kesabaran gw diuji dan terbukti gw ini masih ga sabaran plus panikan orangnya. Untungnya di semua peristiwa itu, selalu ada orang baik yang membantu gw. Kenapa sampai kejadian dua kali ya, itu yang gw heran. Teman gw mungkin udah muak kali ya kecerobohan yang sama terulang. Hahaha. Tapi dari semua kejadian itu, yang gw pelajari adalah gw itu harus ekstra sabar, ekstra fokus, ekstra hati-hati dan dobel ekstra baik ke orang yang ga gw kenal. Gw cuma berdoa semoga Tuhan membalas kebaikan mereka menolong gw.

Oke, itu soal dramanya. Sekarang soal kesan gw melakukan perjalanan ini. Yang jelas, gw menganggap perjalanan ini adalah pengalaman berharga dan menyenangkan tentunya. Gw berhasil pergi prefektur yang sama sekali ga pernah terpikirkan buat gw kunjungi sebelumnya. Ini berarti daftar prefektur yang pernah gw singgahi di Jepang makin bertambah. Terus gw juga ketemu sama hujan salju, yay yay yay. Gw bisa dapet foto-foto cantik meskipun sedikit. Konklusinya, gw senang.

Semoga tahun depan coro udah hilang dan keluarga gw bisa datang ke sini gw ajak jalan-jalan. Semoga tahun 2021 gw jadi orang yang lebih baik lagi dan lagi.

I bet everyone in the world is familiar with Tarzan or caveman or any human being who was never exposed to the modern world. These humans or characters are tend to be judged that the way they live is too outdated, that they are not ready for the world. For example, they finally met other human being but they were shocked that the others had different appearance or behavior as them. Ironically, those people were the one who considered that either Tarzan or the caveman were people with no manners or even willingness to learn about the society, not otherwise. In the end, people mistook them and some even bully them. (These are my opinion after watching Tarzan and/or reading articles)

I was in a similar situation as them when I was a child. I was not necessarily a caveman, but I did receive education and had quite a lifestyle. The problem was the social issue. 

I grew up as the youngest of two siblings from parents who work---father was an office employee for a government institution, mother was just a housewife who, sadly, served her parents more than her children’s need. I used to live in an area where rich people were recognized and everyone was being exclusive to themselves. And no children of my age lived in the area, so it was perfect for my growth, you’re welcome.

So, since I did not have any friends to play with after school and my parents were so busy, so did my brother; I always spent time more on playing with my stuffed dolls at home and communicating with them. Making up stories and dialogues and expressing everything on my own, I was so proud of myself but was also lonely. This lonely emotion, I did not understand until I became an adult. At this rate, my parents would see that I was a kid who could take care of herself, without nagging each time for attention. Well, MAYBE THAT was actually the way I nag for attention to my parents, but they did not receive the signal. I guess the signal back then was really bad, we were in a cave.

I went to school everyday, meet school friends and tried to make friends, but almost everyone turned me down. Some stick around for a while, but then we got separated. We got close, I got attached, but she got other friends to hang out with and needed me less in the end. Or, we got close, we were attached to each other, but some people turned everything around and made us turn to each other; the end.

At school I was bullied a lot. First they just laugh at me and then it grew to calling me names. Basically people would call me names based on my appearance and voice. As a kid with thick lips like Angelina Jolie, I was not appreciated much. They’d call me names of famous people but with the reputation of being made fun of (Angeline Jolie was appreciated). I also speak quite loudly. Based on volume 1-10, I think I’m on 7 or 8 when I speak especially with people that I feel comfortable with, but even in this situation I was also made fun of. They said I was a loudspeaker. Or, the fact that I lived in wealthy area, I was considered as a ‘rich girl’ who did not want to hang out with everyone or they refuse to hang around me because I was a ‘rich girl’ (what a lie!).

So, in between I was not getting enough education about emotion from my family and the society being liberal in treating me, I was super torn apart. In the end, I blamed myself for being that way. My mere existence was a nuisance for everyone else. Just like caveman, I should have probably stayed back in the cave. But that was years ago and I don’t intend to keep being that person.

Just a snippet, my father used to say this to my mother when she asked him about teaching stuffs about life hacks to their children: Let them learn by themselves, they’ll figure it out when they’re adults. Heard this from my mother after my father’s passing, I was quite shocked. A parents’ duty is to guide and educate their children in order to survive the world. But here, clearly my parents were signing off from their duty. Yes, it’s true that I have learned things now, but it’s just too late. (And my beloved mother even replied: better late than nothing.---well done, I promise I never ever want to be such mother to my children) But you know what, THANK GOD that I was born quite educated so that I somehow could survive. What if I don’t? I would’ve ended up in the streets probably. Had I been guided enough, I would have better preparation mentally and emotionally. (I only learned about these just recently.)

Belakangan ini gw merasakan ada perubahan di diri gw. Untungnya sih perubahan yang baik. Mungkin kalau ada yang baca entry gw sebelum ini, pasti bakal berpikir kalau gw ini orangnya punya masalah hidup.

Yap. Gw memang punya masalah hidup, sama seperti orang kebanyakan. Tapi apa sih masalah gw? Ga banyak yang memahami.

Kali ini gw ingin menyorot salah satu perilaku orang terhadap gw yang menyebabkan gw menjadi gw yang kemarin. Kalau dilihat dari judul, bisa dipahami kalo ini adalah perilaku yang menyalahkan orang lain tanpa mau mengerti keadaan orang tersebut. Nah, sepanjang hidup gw, kebanyakan gw diperlakukan seperti ini. Sebagai akibatnya, selain gw ternyata tanpa sadar berperilaku mirip mereka, gw sendiri ternyata jadi orang yang sangat tidak memiliki kepercayaan diri.

Contoh kisah, ketika gw menanyakan sesuatu hal kepada seseorang di depan umum dan sepertinya menurut kakak laki-laki gw saat itu pertanyaan gw bersifat remeh (harusnya ga perlu ditanyakan), lalu dia dengan ekspresi kesal dan malu terhadap orang yang gw beri pertanyaan tapi tidak malu-malu pada gw, “Ngapain sih lo tanya kayak gitu? Bikin malu aja tanya kayak gitu.” Gw pada saat itu, yang seratus persen tanya karena tidak mengerti, merasa terheran-heran dan cuma bisa terdiam.

Contoh kisah lain, ketika gw sekitar SMP mungkin dan sedang melakukan perjalanan bersama ortu gw dan sepupu gw yang masih SD mungkin sekitar kelas 3. Gw ini orangnya suka Bahasa Inggris dan gw merasa pede dengan kemampuan Bahasa Inggris gw. Oh iya, gw ingat waktu itu gw lagi tergila-gila dengan Harry Potter. Lalu di perjalanan itu, gw berucap dengan logat Inggris yang baru saja gw pelajari. Sepupu tercinta gw tergelak mendengar gw bicara dan berkomentar: Ih, medok banget ngomong bahasa Inggrisnya. Gw ingin menjelaskan ke dia kalau itu bukan medok, tapi itu logat British, tapi yah gw cuma bisa menelan ludah. Dia ga akan paham penjelasan gw dan ortu gw juga pasti akan menyuruh gw memaklumi si sepupu. Oh iya, waktu itu semua tertawa mendengar komentar si sepupu.

Contoh kisah lain lagi, ketika gw sudah SMA. Waktu itu gw melakukan perjalanan bersama om, tante, mama, sepupu gw yang lebih tua dari gw dua orang, sepupu gw yang lebih muda dari gw sekitar tiga orang. Di tengah perjalanan tetiba para orang dewasa membicarakan perselingkuhan. Yang paling bersemangat adalah tante, om, sepupu-sepupu yang lebih tua dan bahkan anak si tante yang lebih muda dari gw juga ikut berkomentar. Pada satu pembahasan, kakak sepupu melontarkan candaan, semua tertawa, lalu aku ikut menyeletuk. Lalu yang terjadi adalah tante gw langsung menyambar gw, “Heh, anak kecil ga usah ikut-ikut!” Aku langsung sakit hati. Ngapain juga bahas perselingkuhan di saat ada banyak anak kecil kalau ga mau dikomentari? Bodoh!

Contoh kisah lain lagi, ketika gw sebenarnya sedang terluka akan sesuatu hal tapi gw ga menunjukkan dan lawan bicara gw bercanda hal yang sensitif. Waktu gw mengutarakan kalau gw ga suka cara dia bercanda dan menurut gw itu ofensif, lawan bicara gw membalas dengan santai, “Yah gw kan bercandanya internal antara lo dan gw. Serius amat, cepet tua lho.” Sulitnya berkomunikasi tanpa memandang lawan bicara secara langsung adalah tidak mengetahui emosi dan ekspresi. Itu yang terjadi saat itu. Gw yang saat itu memilih ga ingin menceritakan penyebab gw terluka, melampiaskan dengan berekspresi atas ketidaknyamanan terhadap candaan tersebut. Lawan bicara gw yang tidak tahu situasi, ya cuma enteng membela diri, sekaligus menjatuhkan gw. Karena dia selama ini selalu menganggap gw ini orangnya kaku, ga bisa bercanda. Yah, kalau gw ga bisa bercanda atau tertawa, ga mungkin juga gw nonton Running Man bisa tertawa tergelak gegara perilaku Lee Kwang Soo. Gw bilang saja kalau selera bercanda kami berbeda.

Contoh beberapa kisah di atas adalah sedikit dari hal yang membentuk kepribadian gw hingga saat ini. Gw tumbuh jadi orang yang insecure, tidak percaya diri, terkadang cemas berlebih dan sulit mengekspresikan emosi kecuali marah dan sedih. Selain itu, anak adalah cerminan orangtuanya. Orangtua gw ga pernah mengajari gw hal-hal dasar seperti bagaimana bersikap jika ada orang yang memperlakukan gw tidak baik, bagaimana berucap jika ada orang yang berkata buruk pada gw dan lain-lain. Akibatnya, gw tumbuh jadi orang yang ga tahu apa-apa dan hidup dalam kelinglungan.

Di saat gw sering banget merasa lelah terhadap kehidupan ini, ternyata kehidupan lebih memilih gw untuk terus bertahan. Gw diberi kesempatan untuk mencari jati diri gw sejak tahun 2007, setelah papa gw tiada. Bak bayi yang baru lahir dan tidak tahu apa-apa, gw berkelana ke sana ke mari merasakan kehidupan dan memelajari banyak hal. Bedanya, kalau bayi kan ada orang lain yang mendampingi, sedangkan gw karena sudah dewasa, ya semua gw pikirkan dan kerjakan sendiri.

Masa kini, 13 tahun kemudian, gw jadi ABG untuk kedua kalinya. Gw lebih mendalami kehidupan, berusaha memaklumi banyak hal selama masih ada sisi positifnya. Gw belajar menertawakan kekonyolan gw, gw berusaha mengapresiasi diri gw lebih baik. Gw mencari tahu apa yang sebaiknya gw lakukan dan tidak. Gw berusaha menghitung 1, 2, 3 sebelum mengungkapkan pendapat gw dengan emosi. Gw berusaha mencari kedamaian hati. Kali ini, gw lebih ingin hidup menjadi diri sendiri. Ternyata kehidupan begitu baik pada gw, karena gw diberi kesempatan menjauh dari racun-racun di hidup gw.