be nice to nice

You still leave the bar together and end up in the same bed but.. goodnight kisses are now tight hugs and wiping each other’s tears. Morning sex exchanged for cuddling for hours and silent weeping.

I smoked my morning cigarette absorbing the sun and my favorite view which I always preferred with you by my side looking up at the stars.

Then I watched you pack my clothes in your backpack but couldn’t bring myself to take the lip balm I left on the shelf over my side of the bed or look for the hair clip I lost under the bed.

Then I put on my clothes, took my coat from the closet and left the house once again with “just” my best friend.

I’m moving out this Friday.

He told me he loved me again this morning in the middle of another make out session which should’ve never happened even though his kisses and touch feel so right. He’s back with his ex, that’s why it shouldn’t be happening.

I’m feeling all sorts of ways. I’m heartbroken and I’m feeling nostalgic smoking on the balcony and looking at the starts thinking about the Friday about three weeks ago when he decided it would be a great idea to lay in the middle of the road for hours looking up at the sky, when he kissed me and told me he loved me and it felt like the most romantic moment of my life until next morning when we were just friends again, thinking about all the nights we spent smoking in bed chugging wine cuddling and being ourselves because he’s the only one who made me feel safe enough to just be me, all the nights we spent watching our favorite shows on animal planet and all the days we slept in and watched mash until one of us had to get up. I packed his favorite pair of socks to move with me because they make me smile, he gave them to me to put them on one night when I had a mental breakdown when he held me in his arms until I fell asleep and woke me up with a smile saying it makes him happy when I wear his stuff. I miss the days we would go for walks in the woods and end up on the road stargazing because it was our thing. I miss all the days I would come over before I moved in just to cuddle in bed and enjoy each other’s company and all the late nights when we would text and tease each other to call an Uber and come over until one of us did. I already miss my best friend and most likely the love of my life. I already miss living here because this place felt like a home. Because of him.

Im also feeling so lost and confused. Why would he tell me he loves me, why would he cry on my shoulder telling me he’s sorry for what happened between us, telling me he doesn’t want me to move out, telling me with tears in his eyes he just wants me to know he tried so hard.

You still leave the bar together and end up in the same bed but.. goodnight kisses are now tight hugs and wiping each other’s tears. Morning sex exchanged for cuddling for hours and silent weeping.

I smoked my morning cigarette absorbing the sun and my favorite view which I always preferred with you by my side looking up at the stars.

Then I watched you pack my clothes in your backpack but couldn’t bring myself to take the lip balm I left on the shelf over my side of the bed or look for the hair clip I lost under the bed.

Then I put on my clothes, took my coat from the closet and left the house once again with “just” my best friend.

I’m moving out this Friday.

He told me he loved me again this morning in the middle of another make out session which should’ve never happened even though his kisses and touch feel so right. He’s back with his ex, that’s why it shouldn’t be happening.

I’m feeling all sorts of ways. I’m heartbroken and I’m feeling nostalgic smoking on the balcony and looking at the starts thinking about the Friday about three weeks ago when he decided it would be a great idea to lay in the middle of the road for hours looking up at the sky, when he kissed me and told me he loved me and it felt like the most romantic moment of my life until next morning when we were just friends again, thinking about all the nights we spent smoking in bed chugging wine cuddling and being ourselves because he’s the only one who made me feel safe enough to just be me, all the nights we spent watching our favorite shows on animal planet and all the days we slept in and watched mash until one of us had to get up. I packed his favorite pair of socks to move with me because they make me smile, he gave them to me to put them on one night when I had a mental breakdown when he held me in his arms until I fell asleep and woke me up with a smile saying it makes him happy when I wear his stuff. I miss the days we would go for walks in the woods and end up on the road stargazing because it was our thing. I miss all the days I would come over before I moved in just to cuddle in bed and enjoy each other’s company and all the late nights when we would text and tease each other to call an Uber and come over until one of us did. I already miss my best friend and most likely the love of my life. I already miss living here because this place felt like a home. Because of him.

Im also feeling so lost and confused. Why would he tell me he loves me, why would he cry on my shoulder telling me he’s sorry for what happened between us, telling me he doesn’t want me to move out, telling me with tears in his eyes he just wants me to know he tried so hard.