moodartist | 🌈

It's ironic that I love this verse and I want to live it out, but in reality I find it very hard to do. How is it hard to trust The One who created the universe just by speaking it to existence? How hard is it to trust The One who knew me before He created me in my mother's womb? How hard is it to trust The One who rules above all and everything on this Earth? How hard is it really, to trust The One who knows my future and guides my every step? Why do I find it hard?

Earlier I attended church service after a few weeks of absence. I usually come when I'm given the rare chance to be off on Sundays. I was debating whether to go or not, and I knew I had to. Unsure whether out of obligation, but I knew I had to.

I tried my best, but I guess trying isn't what I was supposed to do. I was there but my heart was not ready to surrender the hurt, guilt, and weariness that I was carrying. In the middle of the service, even after all the worship song and preaching, I still feel "far away" from God. Like I didn't belong there.

I knew I had to be alone with God and tell him, confess to Him everything. I just wanted to be out of that place, not because of the people or environment I was in, but I just need to be alone with my Father.

And as I'm typing this now, I know He sees me. He cares and He wants me to know that He understands and He's been waiting for me to come to Him.

Not until I realized this did I do better in handling depression.

I have been going through a really tough time at the moment and God knows that I feel terribly low. I asked for His grace and peace to be upon me, and He told me that while I’m fighting my way through it to keep a steady, positive attitude. 

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:17-18 NIV

And with that...

[And] do not give the devil a foothold,

Ephesians 4:27 NIV

Notes from today’s devotion:

Unfortunately, rejection is a part of of living in this fallen world where sinful people hurt others.

Jesus himself faced rejection many times and he warned his disciples they would experience rejection as well.

Man’s rejection is God’s protection.

Needless to say, I asked God the night before to communicate with me through my dreams. I had questions regarding my transfer here and ehem—about him. Then I dreamt about children biting me on my legs. I could vividly remember they were hard and painful bites and left deep marks. I tried to google for biblical interpretations but couldn’t find any at the moment. I must admit though, it left me scared and puzzled. I barely had a decent sleep. Oh oh.

Where I am right now is not an accident. You planted me to be in this exact time and place. Despite finding out a terrible news regarding my health, I will not fear. I know that You are a God of endless possibilities. I lift up to You all my worries and fears.

I will embrace this phase of my life right now where I am being molded and prepared for the next season. I will be comforted by the fact that You are always with me. I will not be shaken. I will endure.

I will come back to this same spot where I poured my heart out to You and by then, I have come to realize that Your power is greater than any storm that comes my way and NOTHING can separate me from Your love.

My heart skipped a beat. After all, we’ve done this a few times already. But this time, I feel like it’s really over.

I haven’t shed a single tear nor given it much thought. Well, it hasn’t been a full day anyway. But who knows, maybe today as I’m writing this, or tomorrow, I’ll cry buckets. But one thing’s for sure—it hurts (LIKE HELL), but it brings me peace.

When we love, we sometimes do things we never thought we’d do. We turn into a person we don’t recognize as ourselves. We don’t care what other people think, about the consequences, least to say, the long term effects.

Going into this “relationship”, I already KNEW what’s bound to happen. I ignored the red flags. I deliberately chose to. I chose the person. Over myself, over all things.

I’ve always been told I’m “making a big deal” out of things. It makes me feel like I’m the one causing the trouble because I’m too sensitive, too needy, too jealous, too-whatever. What I Iearned though is love shouldn’t be exhausting. Real love should bring out the BEST in you. It’s not saying that it should be perfect, (cause no human love is capable of that), but it shouldn’t make you feel diminished. Drained. Unvalued. Lowest of the low. When you argue, love should still rediate from the other person. There should be willingness to make things work no matter what. (OK, now I’m crying sh*t)

Aaaand maybe that’s why we never officially got together, because we’re never meant to be anyway. God really has His own way to save us from the mess we choose to create, and a a possibility of a greater loss. What a great love that is. What a perfect, loving Father He is.

I pray that the only fruit I bear from this experience is the fruit of compassion. Despite what the other person made me feel, I won’t let myself become a bitter person. It’ll take a lot of work. But God is, and has always been, on my side.

“No one lights a lamp an hides it in a jar or pits it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light.” - Luke 8:16 NIV

The Word of the Lord is not just for hearing, it is also meant to be told/shared. When I enter a room, I must be the light that casts darkness out. In this Christian walk, I (we) aim to follow and be like Christ eventually. And He didn’t waste a single day when he lived as a human to share Lord’s promise of salvation. He shared himself selflessly, showing the kind of love God could ever give. And as followers of Christ, we should aim to to be like that. To do just that. Or else our life is without purpose. The kind of love God has for us is 1) unconditional 2) selfless 3) all about service. Not what He can gain from loving us, but what He can give us. It is all about giving. Like Him, we just love. We just give. We might not be extended the same love by the people we love, but God sees everything we do. He loves us. And He will reward us. And what He can give us is a hundredfold than we can ever imagine. That’s His promise 😊