Hyunwoo is bad at texting. Almost comically bad. There’s a million emojis scattered in odd places, no punctuation marks, and his responses consists of five words max. However, they keep coming rather consistently now.

It’s been a busy week, and it just so happens that Hyunwoo doesn’t have any exams at the moment, but you have three. All your free time is being spent at the library trying to focus and use all the willpower you must not check your phone every second.

You still daydream of the kiss and the nice conversation you had over coffee, but this… you smile at your phone, is unimaginable. You still can’t believe it, but somehow it feels normal. The idea that you might look down at your screen and see a dopey selfie of Hyunwoo, just his face (taken at an unflattering angle… but cute nonetheless), is so thrilling. It gives you butterflies and it’s like you’re holding onto a small harmless secret. There’s something there.

Hyunwoo: where in library

The message on your phone lights up the screen.

Your heart speeds up just a bit. You had told him not long ago that you were studying, not thinking anything of it.

the usual spot…

You reply nervously, and distracted. You don’t want to jump to conclusions but then you see him walking towards you, one full iced coffee in hand. He’s smiling ear to ear as he approaches and you cant help but melt and smile back.

He holds the coffee out to you immediately.

“Aw, what’s this about?” You swoon with a flattered giggle. That’s embarrassing.

“Sounded like you could use it.”

His hair is wet and he smells like chlorine.

“Did you just come from practice?” You ask finishing your sip of cold, refreshing, bitterness. He nods.

“I figured I’d check on you.. hoped maybe I caught you needing a break,” he hints playfully.

You smile and roll your eyes sliding your books away as you take another sip of coffee.

“A bribe, I see,” you joke.

He smiles and looks down, and you notice his hands are fidgeting, which is all too adorable.

“There’s a swim meet. This weekend. Away. Doyouwannago?”

He says the last part kinda fast, but you hear him clearly.

“Uh… where at?” you ask already knowing the answer. You’ve been paying a bit more attention to the swim team’s schedule.

“Ardell,” he says eagerly. “Saturday at 10am. You could take the bus with us.”

His eyebrows are high, his words accommodating.

“Is that what you brought the coffee for?” you ask trying to hide your disappointment. Not with him, just this odd pressure. You don’t want to say no, but you know that’s not something you’d want to do. Draw attention like that? hell no…

“well… I just… we won’t see each other much this week…” he trails off, “there’s plenty of seats on the bus is all.”

“is that even normal?” you half snort, a little awkwardly.

His face tints a bit.

“yeah, I mean the guys bring their girlfriends all the time and some extra faculty…”

Girlfriends?

“oh,” is all you can manage to say, but then his eyes grow like he’s said a curse word and you cut him off before he can say anything to sway you or overexplain.

“I’ll see what I can do, but I have some plans this weekend.”

No I don’t. im just too afraid of what other people will think. I’m not as confident as you, and I don’t want to draw attention or run the risk of someone exposing you to the truth that… you’re waaaay out of my league.

“Oh, uh… yeah I get it. Well it would be really cool if you could,” he says reaching for the back of his neck.

You smile the warmest most sympathetic way you can. Of course you don’t want to disappoint him, but there’s no way in hell you are getting on that bus with Hyunwoo making a spectacle of whatever this is, just so you can obsess over what this is. His disappointment can’t measure up to the heartache of the answer to that dreaded question.

“thanks for the coffee,” you say low with a smile, “again.”

His face slowly twists into that dopey tight-eyed smile that you love to see. He shrugs with a bashful grin, and man… that was easier than you expected. Who woulda thought? You could have that effect on him?

“How is it?” he asks, leaning on his elbows, with these half-lidded eyes focused on you. it looks like he almost licks his lips. And just like that… you realize you were a fool for thinking you had the upper hand just a moment ago. The way his eyes are trained on you, and his words without any intentions behind them have just ignited a fire in you.

“it’s good,” you say feeling your eyes drawn into him, your heart speeds up, and you don’t know how your voice manages not to stutter when you ask…

“want a taste?”

He gulps, expression unchanging, with a lightning speed flicker of a smirk. Your heart races in those moments you lock eyes, and he gives you one firm nod, before pulling in his bottom lip and breaking eye contact.  You see him turn a shade pink, as he reaches for the cup and takes a very charade-like sip.

What the fuck was that…

Your face is hot, and your core is on fire.

Did we just?...

“I’ll uh, let you get back to work,” he says avoiding your eyes, but offering a polite smile.

Were we…. Firting?

“It’s a little sweet,” he says as an afterthought as he stands up.

You smile, and he gives you a tiny wink over his shoulder as he walks away.

This… this can’t be real.

…

Now that you have a taste for just how fun this could be, you can’t help but think of cryptic texts to send, or something to give you another spark to ignite that flame. It was so simple so easy but staring at Hyunwoo and seeing him reciprocate that tiny little heat wasn’t just intriguing but addicting.

You dreaded the idea of going to that away meet, but you also knew that might be the soonest you could see him. he wasn’t going to drop by out of the blue with coffee all the time, even if that would be pretty nice. And although you guys had been texting, there wasn’t much you could think of at the moment.

It wasn’t until a few days later, as Saturday was approaching that you decided to send him text around 9pm

What are you up to?

Ten minutes must have went by before you got an answer

Huynwoo: Leaving the gym hbu

Just got done studying

That’s all you said and immediately tried to think of something to add, but five more minutes went by and you almost expected him not to answer.

Hyunwoo: Did you think about saturday

You sighed, wishing you would have seen this coming.

At this rate I cant think of anything but studying

You decide to say, hoping to avoid answering the question

Hyunwoo: not even me?

and there it is…

you said you’re leaving the gym, why would I want to think about you all sweaty and stinky?

of course, sweaty was still kinda hot… but he didn’t need to know that

a few minutes go by and your actually kinda nervous that maybe you messed up this whole flirting thing, like maybe he’s actually upset. You start typing something, going as low as to maybe even just say yest to Saturday but then you get two texts that make your mouth hang open.

Hyunwoo: getting in the shower

Hyunwoo: how bout now?

Did Hyunwoo just give you permission to think about him in the shower? And if he’s giving you permission, better yet, suggesting it… is it possible that maybe he too is thinking about you showering… as in you naked? Or is that a stretch? Either way it’s hot.

You have a good idea of what he looks like already. You’ve seen him nearly nude with nothing but his tight swimming bottoms that don’t hide much, completely soaked, hair dripping, skin flushed…

What are you suggesting? 

You ask, although it’s pretty clear, you want a little bit of transparency

Hyunwoo: Since you’re too busy to see me at least think of me 😊

And you want to respond. You want to think of something, but that alone is everything. That alone makes you smile as you head to the shower and feel the water against your skin and you let the night end with that simple request. That small indication, that transcending moment… the flame that lights the fire. And you let yourself enjoy the warmth.

Hyunwoo was there, undisturbed in his deep sleep. You watched his chest rise and fall for a second, just weighing the options. you could turn around, leave him to carry out what was left of the summer as long as your parents were so generous. Apologize to them, and go your separate ways like this, fling or whatever it was didn’t happen. You could say goodbye to Hyunwoo, graceful and quiet. Keeping the bulk of the damage to yourself and saving everyone else the hassle and emotional stress of each of your confessions.

Or, you think as you take a step closer to the bed you’ve spent only a few nights in. Or you could trust that feeling in your gut. Have a little faith in the love you know is blooming there, and the character of the man you have come to know.

You reminisce of the morning you spent slowly waking up, French words he’d never understand rolling off your tongue, teasing him playfully and that half-sleep smile he returned. His skin always felt so hot even against the cool sheets sliding around…

“Hyunwoo,” you hiss instantly. Your palms come down to grip his biceps as you shake him awake. Its as if your body is making the choice for you with instinct alone.

He grumbles as he makes sense of what has startled him. His squinted eyes stare in confusion through the darkness trying to piece together what he’s seeing.

“What are you doing here?” he asks sitting upright and wiping his eyes.

“I have to talk to you” you say quickly as you sit yourself on the edge of the bed alongside him

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, your parents are-“

“Fuck them, like seriously, fuck them,” you feel the heat crawl back into you, that anger and you remember that satiating swing just before the shatter.

“Are you okay?” Hyunwoo asks, concern forming somewhere along his confusion and exhaustion. The moon leaks in from a nearby window and you analyze the parts of his face you’ve never really seen before.

You can’t help but reach a hand out and wrap each finger around his wrist.

“I just… I just need to talk to you.”

He looks at you taking in an expression he doesn’t seem familiar with. Its enough to make you break eye contact, and then, only then do your eyes land on anything else in the room. You hadn’t noticed it, but sometime between the last time you were here and now, it had become… empty. There weren’t any work boots, or clothing drying, or snacks left around. Hyunwoo had packed it all up, and what was left was a lonely duffle bag on the small sofa.

“You’re leaving?” you ask shock apparent

“I think I’ve overstayed my welcome,” he answers trying to sound nonchalant, at the same moment his hand lands on yours where they meet his wrist and lightly unravel your hold.

“but,” you start, and it takes everything in you to stop there. You could spout off false promises and hopes but at the end of it all, you knew it would come to this. You knew he wouldn’t stay here, like your pet forever. The sink in your chest and the upset in your gut causes that well avoided feeling to arise. You can feel the pressure building behind your eyes…

“Let me uh, let me get dressed. We can talk somewhere else,” he says as he presses his palms into his sockets once again, trying to erase the traces of sleep.

You pull back, allowing him the space to swing his legs out from the bed, and the distance you need to keep yourself together.

“I’ll uh, meet you at your truck?” you say heading towards the door. Before he can respond you launch yourself out of the guest house.

The air is crisp tonight, not so stuffy and humid, and deep breaths of it calm you. You make your way back the way you came, and enter the house quietly.

You’re on a mission to collect a few things, you know the perfect place to go. A place to talk, get these feelings off your chest and release them for once.

…

The drive is quiet as you sort through a collection of thoughts in your head, every so often giving directions. Your hands clasp each other tightly in your lap, and you can feel your legs stiff and tense from beneath your dress.

You look out the open window as the night air blows your hair in different directions. What an odd feeling to be at such physical peace, while there’s a coming war waiting in your mind. You go back and forth thinking what to say, and what he’ll say. There’s no hand holding the entire drive, no quick glances or blushes or laughs. Its just silence, and the sound of the wind filling up the space around you.

“Here,” you say when you finally arrive. A gravel lot sits ahead of you and Hyunwoo hesitantly puts the truck in park as he squints forward. His lights only reach so far, but you can see the sandy entrance and the darkness beyond. The sound of crashing waves recycle themselves, and the air feels stronger. It smells authentic and cleansing.

“The beach?” Hyunwoo asks following your lead out of the truck. The bag you have with you holds a few items one of which is an old blanket perfect for laying on the sand.

You walk a bit closer to each other, and he reaches out a hand once or twice to make sure you don’t fall as you both trudge along the dry sand. Its heartwarming, but its also misleading. It gives you no indication of what he’s thinking or what he wants. You realize now... you’ve never even asked him.

“Hyunwoo,” you say stopping where you stand. He pauses, turning to look at you. “Um, lets sit here.”

He’s polite and helps you unravel the blanket creating a spot. The moment you touch the ground, feeling the fabric beneath you and the un-leveled sand. It’s begun. It’s here, there’s no turning back.

He looks at you waiting.

“Hyunwoo… what…” you start, but there are no word slinging up. you don’t know whats next. what could be said…. “Hyunwoo,” you try again and you can feel the tears building. You take a deep breath, and the sight must trigger Hyunwoo to respond. You feel his hands come up and land on your shoulders, heavy and tight. Reassuring and strong.

“It’s okay,” he says and offers a small smile. “I think I get it. I appreciate this, I really do. You don’t have to apologize or offer to be friends-“

“No,” you interrupt, “No, Hyunwoo, its not like that.” he looks at you confused and his expression tightens a bit as he softens his grip on your shoulders.

“I… I…” you say getting choked up again. “I like you. I really like you. And I… never asked you what you wanted… out of this. From me.”

He looks at you, eyes going wide as his eyebrows raise in surprise.  

“What I want?” he repeats the words slowly.

There’s silence. An endless quiet that makes your stomach coil in anticipation.

“I… I thought it was obvious,” he finalizes. His eyebrows are cast down and his hands go limp just before pulling away.

You shake your head leaning in a bit, following that contact and placing your hands on the tops of his thighs.

“No, I don’t. So… what-“ you don’t get a chance to finish because he’s leaning forward lips against yours.

The kiss is smooth, not soft, not slow. It’s a tempo that starts off fast, then drips like honey, and then picks up again like a roller coaster. His lips have never been this loose, this direct. His words never this clear.

You pull away, just as his hand finds the base of your neck.

“You’ve never done that before,” you say feeling like you’re melting, like your brain has stopped completely.

“Done what?” he asks, eyes seeping something thick and dark. His voice and his touch remind you of a smoldering fire.

“You’ve never kissed me like that. You’ve never kissed me,” you say letting your lungs find their own pace.

“You always kiss me first,” he smiles lightly.

His hands slowly glide around the curves of your waist. They feel large, like one hand could pin you in place. You remember the feeling of having him close. Having him on you, around you… inside of you. you release a sound that immediately prompts him to pull you in closer. You’re stunned when you feel his lips reach your jaw just before trailing to the corner of your ear. He’s taking the lead, and hes doing it with such passion.

His free hand lightly traces your shoulder with his finger tips, but you feel the deliberate pull as he slides down the strap of clothing. He pulls away to examine the bare spot of skin, catching your eyes as he pulls it even lower.

His eyes soak in that delicate spot and place a kiss there. You watch him with heightened anticipation, and he looks back into your eyes before using his other hand to pull the other side. He leans in to kiss your lips before you feel the night air across your bare chest. He kisses you and you can feel your exposed skin perk up at the chill of night. It tingles and excites you and you can feel the warmth of your core spreading down your body.

He reads you well, and you feel a gentle hand lightly cup your breast as he continues running his mouth against your skin, trailing his lips down to meet his hand. His hot mouth sucks in your skin, swirling around those sensitive buds. He kneads them one at a time and carefully tilts you downward to lie flat on your back.

He keeps his mouth focused on your chest and a hand trails its way to your inner thigh. His grip becomes more improper, but its firm and he massages the skin there for a mere second before lightly circling your pubic bone. It’s a beautiful feeling as he uses his fingertips to rub in soft circles, you cant help but quiver.

He notices the reactions coming from you and you can feel yourself wet just beyond your folds. He tucks a finger behind the cotton fabric and he slides up and down that slit, revealing the slickness before plunge a finger straight in. you gasp at the easy slip, the way it feels like the burst of a bubble. There isn’t any time before his own hunger is leading his lips down to your core. You didn’t even need to beg.

He pulls your underwear down your thighs, but he lifts your legs wide revealing yourself to him. His palms cradle the backs of your knees and they bend behind his shoulders. You lose track of time before you can feel yourself closing in on the end.

“wait, stop-“ you cry, and his head tilts up slightly, tongue still licking lazily as he looks up at you.

“together,” you say and try to pull him up with your hands around his face.

He doesn’t need more than that. he removes your underwear completely and undoes his pants. You can see in the dim light of the moon that he’s ready. And when he lays himself between your thighs he trembles. His breathing is a bit stuttered and he nuzzles his forehead to your collar bone. The action makes you think he wants to be held. So you wrap your arms around him and press him close to you. his body relaxes, and you can feel his weight resting on you. its not crushing, just grounding. Your lips meet his ear and you kiss him before whispering against his skin.

“I want you.”

“im not going to last long,” he disclaims a bit embarrassed, but before you can reassure him he’s sliding into you. its slow and you can feel him shake as he gives into this need as well.

It’s not long after that. not for either of you. it comes like a wave, and it leaves you both stuck to each other. Brainless and bare.

Minutes go by, and you rest against each other.

He is tender and protective. Like he’s finally claimed something precious that finally belongs to him. You could see him tending to you the same way he does the flowerbeds and that fills you with hope for something, anything after tonight.

“I like my life, of course,” you admit out loud. He looks at you from his rested position, his eyes are on you, staring intently. “Everything just feels so empty. The easier it is to get things you want, I guess it makes you not really want them. There’s nothing special about it. with you, I remember what its like to not have something so easy.”

He lifts a hand to comb through your hair and gently pulls your foreheads together.

“I want something with worth. It can be simple, small… but it has to mean something. I want that freedom to be myself again.”

He slowly runs his fingers through strands of your hair as you both look downward

“I want to be with you,” you say. The words stop his hands and he brings his body upward causing you to lift your head and look at him.

He looks at you like he cant believe what he’s hearing.

“I want to be with you,” you repeat with confidence.

….

 The summer air was cool this evening. From the bed of the truck it stirred around so many lost memories, picking them up and carrying them away only to deliver a new one. You stared down at your hands… hands covered in paint and nails unmanicured for a few seasons.

Summer was the time. Your time, and it always would be. With a clear head you looked out over the horizon, the red sun sinking beneath the water ready to submerge in the ocean tonight. Your heart sped up thinking of all the days that had led to this one, all the days after.

Your phone vibrated in your pocket and you reached for it quickly.

“Hello,” you answer, the caller ID canceling your surprise.

“Yeah of course, ill be over soon, I just have to pack up my painting supplies.” You twirl a paint brush in your hand, stroking the bristles against your palm.

You had taken the last few months to explore your artistic skills. You hadn’t sold a single painting yet, but that wasn’t entirely the point.

“If they ask for mac and cheese again tonight, I’m going to scream,” you half heartedly respond to the conversation pressed to your ear. You listen to the musical chime of laughter on the other end.

“Betsy, I’ll be there, you and Tom can get ready for your date and leave the rest to me,” you assure. It’s only fitting that after years of babysitting you, its time to return the favor. She doesn’t protest like she used to, its as if she knows it isn’t a bother anymore. It’s as if she knows it doesn’t even count as a favor, you’d be there every night for the rest of your life maybe just for the pure joy of it all.

“I uh, I have something to tell you…” you start, looking down at the back of your outstretched hand. “Its nothing bad, it can wait until I get there.”

There was something nerve wracking, something electrifying about the sight of the diamond. It sparkled like daylight on the back of a wave and you were still getting used to the feel of the band ever present above your knuckle. It was beautiful and surely expensive.

“Yes, Betsy, I promise. I’ll see you soon, bye.”

You hang up the phone and continue to examine the ring. So many changes, so many memories. It feels like only yesterday, you had imagined this diamond gifted to you by someone else. A man who couldn’t afford such a ring, a man so different from you, a man your parents didn’t approve of… a man with nothing to give.

You looked at the ring with a heavy heart, and guilt filling your stomach. It was hard, saying goodbye to that old life. the possibilities and opportunities that didn’t belong to you anymore. A wave of nostalgia hit you until your phone rang again. the name on the screen was equally familiar to you, not Betsy, but just as close. Your friend, your partner, your equal. He was a man that had a lot to offer, a man that any parent would approve of, he was the man of your dreams, and the love of your life.

“Hello,” you said feeling the flutter of your heart.

“How’d the painting turn out?” you heard the deep voice on the other end.

“It turned out okay. I’m getting ready to head over to Betsy’s now so I wont be home tonight.”

“I figured,” the other voice responded, “I got you snacks anyways.”

There was something so different about this man and the one from back then. But you were in love with both, weren’t you?

“Everything okay?” you hear him ask.

“Yeah I just… I can’t stop smiling. I cant stop looking at it.”

You don’t need to see the face of the man on the other end of the phone. You know exactly what it looks like, the big dopey smile, and the crinkle around his eyes.

You two had gone through so much. He was there for you when you moved out of your parents house, he was there for you when you got your first job, he supported you when you started painting again. This man was everything you could want and more. So why were you so nervous?

“I um… I was thinking about my parents…” you said in all honesty. “I’d like them to be invited, but I don’t think I could bring myself to let them offer us any money.”

“That understandable, we can keep it small,” he offers, “or get second jobs.”

No, this man was indeed different. And now, so were you. you had become something authentic. You had made the jump, took the leap, and now there was nothing to be afraid of. Especially when you woke up everyday knowing you were loved.

You take a breath, “no, small is what I want.”

“We could elope. Be married by tomorrow night,” you can hear his smile.

You smile back, looking around at the messy truck bed that reminded you of the man from those lost memories. A life that you had wanted to disappear from entirely, a man you couldn’t remember anymore.

“I don’t think your parents would love that,” you finally say.

“I was thinking more of Betsy, honestly.”

“I still have to tell her. I cant wait to see her face.”

“Tell the kids I say hi,” he says.

Images of a pool party come into mind as you pack the rest of your art supplies away making room with the different tools in the bed of the truck. You can remember but it seems like a dream. Those nights when his skin was unfamiliar. He’s not that man anymore, hes no stranger, he’s no mystery.

This is your fiancé. And hes more than you could ask for, and yes maybe the reality is he’s still the same man. The truth is, yes hes always been this. But you, you …

You look out across the ocean.

“is this what it feels like?” you say into the phone.

“Is this what what feels like?” he asks confused.

“freedom. I used to think I wanted a bigger pool… what I really wanted was the ocean.”

He hums at that, you can tell he likes what he’s hearing.

“it feels like were different people now,” you say.

He laughs at that, “I’m exactly the same. You however, every time I think I finally know you, you surprise me. even a year later.”

You smile at this, because all that time sitting poolside feels like such a waste compared to this. The magnitude… this autonomy.

“Hey, Hyunwoo,” you say, looking out at the water, free-flowing and unconfined.

“Yes?” he answers, knowing exactly what words will follow.

“I love you,” you say, and he responds as always…

“I love you too.”