Late Night Monologue Jokes

Apple is suing Samsung, saying that they've ripped off the iPhone's look and feel for their tablets and phones. No word yet on whether or not the suit's going to include the iPhone's famed ability to drop calls in the middle of Manhattan.

Greg Mortensen admitted today that he "conflated" parts of his memoir Three Cups of Tea after CBS's 60 Minutes exposed the fact that he had never been captured by the Taliban, had inflated the numbers of schools he had founded in troubled parts of the world and hadn't actually landed in Kansas after his parents rocketed him away from the doomed planet of Krypton.

Did you hear about this one? The federal government shut down several large internet poker rooms this weekend. Many casino owners praised the decision, saying that former online players were now showing up, but they've already had to start kicking guys out for looking at porn while playing just like they did at home.

Health officials traced a bacterial outbreak that left over a hundred people ill to a whirlpool at the Playboy Mansion. They assured the public that they've got it under control and that the department will be sending Hef a free totebag to commemorate the ten-thousandth person to get an infection on the premises.

Detroit Public Schools administrators have mailed layoff notices to the 5466 members of the teachers union, saying that they are prepared to "scale back the workforce" and close up to 25 schools in June. When told about the dramatic cuts to Detroit's educational system, union leaders said "Hey, at least we have a Robocop statue! Thanks, internet!"

The sudden cancellation of All My Children and One Life To Live has left both casts in a daze, but the ripples are being felt everywhere in the industry. For instance, James Franco is reportedly looking at "I dunno, maybe something involving not being high?" to fill up his afternoons.

The average cost of a bottle of wine has plummeted over the last few years, dropping from $40 to $15 and saving golfer John Daly tens of thousands of dollars.

Think you've got what it takes to celebrate the high art of talk show hackery? Submit your own Late Night Monologue Joke.

Donald Trump hit the airwaves and boasted of his relationship with the African-American community. "I have a great relationship with the blacks,” Trump said. “I've always had a great relationship with the blacks.” Let's go to acclaimed actor Samuel L. Jackson for some commentary on this statement. Samuel L. Jackson, ladies and gentlemen!

Scott Ritter, one of the UN arms inspectors responsible for investigating Iraq in the nineties was convicted for exchanging explicit messages with a minor in a chat room and then performing a sex act on himself. Poor guy, searches for years and the only WMD he finds is in his pants.

The world's oldest man died today at 114, or 28 in Creationist years.

A nationwide shortage of ADHD drugs has parents visiting multiple pharmacies to find the only thing that keeps them from ever actually having to talk to their kids.

A man burst into flames in a viewing both at a porn shop in San Francisco. And here we thought Marvel Comics killed off the Human Torch. And that he could afford an internet connection.

Catherine Zeta Jones's publicist recently admitted that the superstar checked herself into a mental health facility. Several prominent doctors came forward to praise her public statement, saying that it helps remove the stigma attached to Bipolar Disorder, which researchers have yet to discover a cause for. I don't know — have they looked at "marrying the Crypt Keeper" as a possibility?

At the premiere of Scream 4 in Los Angeles earlier this week, stars Courteney Cox and Neve Campbell both appeared wearing elegant black dresses. The consensus was that the one-time Friend pulled off the look a little better than her decade-younger costar thanks to a strict regimen that got rid of about 140 pounds of David Arquette.