Not everyone. Not you.

Nothing will ruin your 20’s more than thinking you should have your life together already.

me getting a blood transfusion: can you see if you have any gay blood in the back?

thats literally illegal, gays cant donate blood

can you just check for me

if shes your girl why is she calling "woohoo boys" off her balcony and leading me into her apartment and letting me sit on her bed and telling me the reason these expensive linens aren't even soft is because sometimes things that are expensive are worse

I’ll get over it I just gotta be dramatic first

Leos, Scorpios, Cancers, and Aries

“PLEASE do not make me fire 9 year olds from my factory the whole system will COLLAPSE”

1900 as a whole century is so wild to me like it started off without people having sliced bread and it ended with seinfeld on TV 

I try to keep an open mind but I just read the sentence “the latest tw*nks - many of whom are straight” and like, far be it from me to police identities but a ‘straight tw*nk’ is imo not a thing, that is in all likelihood just a skinny man

*holds up emaciated plucked chicken* Behold, a twink!

I think the most Gemini thing my dad has ever done is one year he threw himself a reverse surprise party for the sheer drama of it. What is a reverse surprise party? you may ask, well let me tell you. So he invites over all his friends and family and then in the middle of dinner he stands up and announces that it’s not a regular dinner, it is in fact, his birthday dinner (his exact words were “Surprise! …. it’s my Birthday”) cue everyone looking panicked, because oh god I don’t have a gift, I don’t even have a card, but my father, wine glass still in hand assures them not to worry and reveals a pile of presents he got for himself and wrapped for everyone to pick one and give it to him as their gift. And honestly? My father is such a legend.