Tony

and I begin to see you in the way you looked

When you sprawled out beside me in the August sun

Fourteen and mean and so beautiful I wanted to kill who you thought you were

Even tears dry and leave my mouth tight and chapped

and I begin to want you in the way I did when we were 15

when your lips were sour with beer and mine just as so

I loved it when you’d hurt me

and how your kisses felt like root canals

and how when you’d whisper it felt like a threat

You were a nightmare I never wanted to wake up from

Something sweet and salty and completely inedible that I consumed as a child and have been chasing the taste of ever since

What is prey if not running from its fate

you have a heart too fragile for war

but your arms are strong, and you’ve shown me hands can be unafraid.

Solider boy, the stars sing for you

deep in the jungle

leaves brushing against your face like my hair once did

when you threw me over your shoulder and jumped in the pool.

Solider boy

tell me a story

of the boy who cried and called for you

and you came.

You always do.

Solider boy

pretend your gun is my face

and the trigger, my mouth

It used to scare me because I thought the rabbit was mad at me for taking it’s foot.

but the fur was soft

and it was still white

and the rabbit’s finger nails were still between it’s toes

And I wanted more of them

Sometimes I hold the rabbit’s foot and I cry

at how beautiful it all is

the rabbit used to thump this foot, the rabbit used to run with this foot

and now it’s mine.

I feel like a big responsibility comes with that.

A part of another creatures body found its way to me because I thought it was beautiful.

Don’t you worry little rabbit, I will take care of your precious feet.

I will kiss them and love them and I’ll stroke your fur

I’ll thump them by myself and hope it helps you run in your eternal dreams.

I would want this if I was a little rabbit.

My body and my soul are greedy things of the universe

I want everyone I meet, all the boys are handsome, all the girls could kiss my eye lids and I’d never weep again.

There is a burn in my heart. A gun shot wound. Anything that touches me burns me like an angry rash and sends my stomach to the moon.

The truth is, I’m a very hungry person. I could gorge myself and still feel like I haven’t eaten in years.

There is no amount of love that could satiate me. I always want more. Even the hard cartilage of another being, even the greasy fatty parts that I can’t quite swallow.

I’m married to the passion. To the raw and ugly.