âLocker Room Banterâ
Iâm a white man. Iâm relatively privileged. I spend a lot of time around white men much more privileged than myself. Richer men, from more ensconced power structures, who are less exposed to anything but people exactly like themselves. Most of my time around people like this is through my job.
Over the years, Iâve encountered lots of shitty banter around these kinds of men. Casual sexual comments or discussion about women is quite normal. But mostly, it is banal.Â
âThat new PM is so hot.â
âShe got real drunk at happy hour, you know sheâs wild in bed.â
âDid you see her tits in that sweater today?â
No one ever asks me if I want to have this conversation. Itâs just assumed that when Iâm alone with these men, I am obviously meant to be a part of that conversation. There have been moments, thankfully a very long time ago, where I would assent or even participate in these conversations. But in general I think Iâve mostly found my way out of these conversations. As Iâve gotten older, and attained more power and privilege in my job, Iâve become totally comfortable telling people to stop, or letting them know itâs inappropriate. (I did not use to feel this way.)
But over the years, Iâve also become aware of an upgrade to that conversation. And Iâm not yet privy to it, because I have chosen not to participate in the level one conversation. Men will drop hints about more salacious possibilities in our conversations. Hint at even cruder jokes. Suggest that they have more to say. Ask open-ended questions of me meant to draw out my own, self-incriminating comments so that can feel safe having terrible conversations with me.
And by not going there, by not allowing myself to upgrade into this more acute, horrible discussion, Iâve been shielded from the kinds of things Donald Trump was caught saying on tape. Iâve never really heard anyone talk like that before. Iâve been in lots of gnarly locker rooms and heard terrible shit. Iâve been in lots of booze-fueled corporate man parties where the discussion is gross, but has never risen to that level. But I know itâs there, because I see it around the edges. Asking the question âis this normal conversationâ misses the point. Of course itâs normal, and we know that because we hear it on that tape.Â
At least 3 people participated in that conversation, and two people chose not to say anything about it. Itâs probably reasonable to guess that at least 100 people have listened to that tape over the years, and no one ever said anything about hearing a man boast of a possible assault, because it felt normal.
Donât be fooled into thinking that conversation, that attitude, that behavior isnât totally normal and mundane, because it definitely is.










