-moniquator-

I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.

I don’t belong with the trashy friends and family I grew up with. I hate to be one of those “me vs them” type of person, but yeah it’s kind of like that. They still like to shove their kids in the back room while they get drunk and smoke pot in the living room. They still think that acting like they’re in an episode of jackass is funny. Or still wanna “beat someone's ass.” OR they still think Trump is president and the price of gas is so high because Biden is president. Do you see what I mean? I don’t like that.

Ok so then don’t hang out with them.

Yes, exactly right, but I am still too immature to function around people who function normally in society. You know- the people who did everything in order; made good grades in high school, went straight to college, moved out of their hometown, got a job, got married and then had kids. I spent my teenage years into my 20’s so emotionally invested in boys that I NEVER looked after my own future and then I ended up pregnant. I still feel like I’m a teenager.

Ok well then maybe you need that one significant other to fill the emptiness.

Yeah, NO. I don’t belong with a man. My childhood up until I got pregnant at 21 revolved around pleasing men. Whether it was emotional or physical. My dad is a narcissist. Every single thing I ever did with my friends had to include him or else he’d give us all this sad lecture about how left out he felt when my teenage friends wanted to smoke pot without him around. He’d be pleased though if I gave him a joint, or forced all my friends to stay on the porch to hang out with him. When I stopped smoking pot and drinking at 18, he said to me, “I liked you better when you smoked pot.”

I never knew how to “pick” men. Obviously, we can see why…even though that’s just the tip of the iceberg as there are many things I don’t feel comfortable sharing publicly.

I was ALWAYS with a boy, as mentioned before. Boys like my dad. But FINALLY, I chose a boy that wasn’t like my dad. HE WAS WORSE. I chose that boy because my dad didn’t like him. My dad mostly liked all my other boyfriends.

Anyways. 

Boy abused me and then got me pregnant. Blah blah blah. The point is that I don’t trust men. Not even men with good intentions. It is what it is. I will always be suspicious of them.

Ok, well then what about- -

I don’t even belong in a sexual relationship. I was an idiot to not get sterilized. But even if I did, what I learned from slut phases is that there is no lonelier way to deal with loneliness. You compensate for your loneliness with human touch, but it is not enough in the end. You feel even more empty when you offer only your body. You get pissed that no one wants to hang out like friends after. I mean, what did you expect when you said, “no strings attached”? 

Hello!

I’ve decided to start a blog. I love to share my inner experiences and thoughts publicly with the intention of relating to someone who’s been alone in their feelings. It’s kind of like opening my journal for all to read. I don’t even know if anyone will find this page, but at the very least, it’ll feel good to put it all out there.

I tend to try to do that on Facebook, but we all know how that looks. Not that I actually care, but at the same time, I don’t want to keep bombarding my “friends” with posts that seem like I’m just trying to seek validation with likes or comments of sympathy. Which is not the case at all. I just want people to relate with and to get shit off my chest! There are also family members who are on there that I can’t fully express myself in front of due to the fact that their sons have fucked me over. We can get into that in a later post, so I digress for now.

The content that you can expect out of me consists of mostly navigating myself through PSTD, my experiences with anxiety and hypochondria, stories of past abusive relationships, thoughts from a single mother of two boys, reminiscing on my teenage years as a female, a sprinkle of my spiritual journey, 

and maybe a few political opinions here and there- but don’t worry, it’s mostly just me brainstorming through politics because I am not exactly privy to all the terms. People like to pretend they know exactly what they stand for and all the fine print that comes with it, but I hate pretending.