Carnal

After more than 25 years in the field of psychology, of which about 20 years I spent working with women and men on overcoming emotional and sexual inhibitions, it still frustrates me to see when sexuality is being seen as something that is objectionable or even offensive.

So, let’s try to clear up a few misconceptions…

1. a female nipple is not dangerous!

Contrary to what current tumblr policy changes might try to suggest, so far no incident has been reported in which a person was harmed in any ways by a nipple, neither female nor male! The truth is, the female nipple is designed to foster life in the most positive way, by feeding a needy little baby! To classify the female breast as a whole, or her nipple in particular as offensive and sexually oriented is as if we would classify a cucumber as such - both are designed to feed a human being, both can be used for sexual arousal.

2. nudity is not shameful!

Nobody in their clear mind would ever argue that being hungry, thirsty, or tired is regularly a reason to be ashamed of - because it’s a natural thing that we all are dealing with! Now guess what, we all entered this world in the nude and we all have pretty much the same gender specific appearance. Underneath our clothes, we are all nude. Nudity is the most natural appearance we have and to classify nudity as obscene is the same as calling a tree obscene!

3. sex is fun, but not perverted nor sinful

The funny thing is, none of the individuals that try to tell you sexual activities are disgraceful would even exist on this wonderful planet without sex being involved! The primary natural purpose of sex is reproduction of the species, period. The primary natural purpose of eating is to ensure our body receives energy to live from. Would anybody in his sane mind consider classifying a fancy three-star dinner being a perverted or offensive act just because the only purpose of the fancy dinner is to make the food intake more fun? So why on earth should it be perverted or sinful to add some fun to the act of reproduction? But should sex then not be acceptable only when it serves the purpose of reproduction? Well, ask yourself, is food intake only acceptable when and as long as it serves to still your hunger? Bye, bye chocolate industry, bye, bye food blogs, and bye, bye, fancy restaurants…!

4. porn does not make you a predator

There have been a number of terrible incidents over the last view years in which misguided individuals have steered vehicles into groups of people, often killing and severly injuring dozens. As shocking as those cases were, nobody has seriously suggested to ban all cars and trucks from public life. For good reason, because it’s not the vehicles causing the issues, but the personality of the human culprits. The same applies for porn! It’s not the pornographic presentation that turns individuals into a sexual predators, it’s their emotional pre-conditioning! Taste about porn vary, just like taste about cars - some like it rough and sporty, others prefer it soft and comfy. That’s personal taste, but does not justify any conclusion or judgement about the individuals - unless they turn their passion into something that hurts the defenseless.

I am excited how this post got viral and I think it is because we have touched on a need to clarify a few things. So let’s move on …

In the first part, we busted a few myths that are popular amongst those who have an issue with their own sexuality and expression of sexuality in general. The follwing are a few misconceptions around the mental state of individuals that (have to) deal with sexual matters.

If you come across other examples, please share them with me via submission or ask and I will see if and how I can add my two cents to them…

5. posting nude selfies does not mean you are mentally instable or a narcissist

It‘s probably one of the most heard myths on or about a site like tumblr, “she/he is so full of insecurities that she/he needs to post her nudies to boost her/his ego“. The truth is, of course nobody who posts personal pics wants to hear anything negative - but you know what, nobody wants to hear that at home, at the office, or at the groceries, either. Clearly, it boosts our ego when somebody tells us we are beautiful, good looking, or sexy! But is that narcissistic? Of course not! If you think posting a nude selfie is narcissistic, read up on narcissism or watch the behavior of certain politicians… There is a myriad of reasons why people post nudes of themselves and almost all of then are very good reasons that help the individual to grow personally! Somebody who posts nudes usually has a much better view of their own body, they work with their body before they choose a picture, and they learn to enjoy their body - nothing wrong with that at all! I strongly believe that it is a much greater achievement of personal growth to take the step and post personal nudes than it is to shake your head in disapproval and keep your nudity for yourself!

6. watching sexual intercourse does not immediately skew your kids mental setup

Sexual intercourse in itself is a naturally and implicitely positive activity as it is the necessary precursor to the creation of new life. And yet, it is seen as something dirty, offensive, disgraceful, and potentially dangerous - and so it’s been banned behind closed doors and dark rooms. I’m not going to discuss why that is, but if you consider that there are rural tribal cultures that celebrate a marriage by the couple having sex under the approving eyes of the community, you might start to think that it’s not necessarily as bad and negative as some people try to tell you after all. It only becomes a bad thing if we label it so and teach our kids it‘s a taboo to even talk about it! The problem for kids is not the sexual intercourse, it’s the lack of attention that a lot of parents and teachers put into a proper sexual education of kids!

Now, I am not saying kids must see sexual intercourse or a nude body to grow to healthy adults! Neither am I saying kids have to see The Walking Dead or watch a head blown up in a movie! But in either case, they will not take harm by what they see, they take harm or grow by what they hear and see in our reactions and the societies. Covering up a bare breast, crying „oh my gosh“ and covering their eyes when a sex scene shows on TV, but letting them watch TWD or play Counter Shrike and cheer when the bad guys get blown up, will give them a clear message: sex is yucky, but blowing up people’s heads is fun and totally ok! - Now guess how they will choose to interact as adults…?

There is absolutely no scientific proof that a child would take any harm when they see an example of sexual lovemaking, or walk into their parents bedroom and “catch’em” in the act! It’s not the act that determines the impact on a child’s soul, it’s our reaction and dealing with it that makes all the difference! If we can make sex a normal part of life, something that can and does take place btw two or more consenting adults just like having dinner, kids will grow into sexually liberted and openminded adults! And if we further teach them that it’s not ok to blow up other people’s heads, they might actually turn into smart, respectful, and peaceful adults on top of that!

7. abusive behavior is NOT ok - never!

Now, this is something that targets a small splinter group of tumblrs that feel the quest for freedom in sexual expression should include their desire to abuse and humiliate other human beings. Well, here’s news for you: it is not! Period! There’s actually no difference of sexually oriented human interaction to any other form of human interaction, a healthy and mentally stable individual will naturally seek cooperation and mutual gain. This does not mean a healthy competition wouldn’t be ok, it actually is as it drives individuals to grow and exceed their capabilities. Only those who do not have the personal ability for growth and excellence will resign to degrading or even humiliating others! It’s an behavior that is symptomatic for highly insecure and self-doubting individuals and it is a behavior that can and should never be tolerated by bystanders, whether that‘s in public or on tumblr!

8. Child Pornography is an abhorrent felony!

See, there‘s actually a few things @staff has said in their post about the policy change that I wholeheartedly agree to - and so will every mentally healthy individual, may they be on or off of tumblr! The abuse of minors in whatever form is abhorrent and must not be tolerated by anyone! While the addressees for this point form an even smaller group than those for the previous point, I‘m afraid there will be some reading this who either have already been engaged in abusive behaviour of minors or are having fantasies about it. If you are amongst the former and you are reading this, do yourself a favor and report yourself to the authorities, for what you have to expect from them is a walk in the park compared to what you will get from people like me when we find you! However, if you identify as one of the latter and have “only some fantasies” that involve little boys and girls, if you find yourself enjoying posts of underage pornography on tumblr or elsewhere, but you haven‘t enacted on them, you are one of the lucky hopefuls, for you can be helped becorenit’s too late! Do not wait and seek professional support before your demons let you do something you will regret a lifetime!

9. A Community like tumblr can spot and eliminate inacceptable content

In many posts following the infamous Dec 17 announcement, people found that one of the reasons for tumblr to take action is their failure to effectively spot and eliminate child porn or other illegal and disgraceful content. I don‘t know if that‘s the true reason for tumblr or not, but clearly it‘s an incorrect assessment to make! The problem is, that with all advances in artificial intelligence, it‘s still very difficult to reliably spot content from images - just look at what the tumblr algorithms mark as explicit these days and/or what they don‘t. So clearly, spotting child porn through algorithms alone is a tidious and obviously not very relying task! Hiring armies of employees is too costly and at some point the only conclusion seems to be, let‘s just block all “adult content“ so we will definitely get rid of the smut we need to get rid of. Fair enough, but very narrow sighted for a platform like tumblr that has an army of supporters at hand for free! The vast majority of “adult bloggers” is honest, truthful, legit, and interested to keep the site a safe and clean environment to exchange with likeminded people. This community of healthy adults would be the most powerful weapon to fight child pornography and smut on tumblr! With a little bit of careful thinking, it should be fairly easy to establish a solid base of trusted users who can act as the guardians over the “adult content” and to be the first line of sefense against predators and sickasses that post child porn…

Your turn!

When I was a child, from the time I was about four and could understand things, my mom told me and my brother that we should have a secret word. That way, if we were ever in trouble or felt unsafe and we didn’t want the people around us to know we needed her to come get us, we could let her know. So she let us pick the word and my brother and I chose the phrase “peanut butter cups.” (I’m happy to share the phrase now since both my brother and I are adults now). 

I used the phrase twice in my life. Once, I was at a friends house when I eight years old. Her dad got really drunk and was throwing things against the wall. I was really scared and I didn’t want to draw attention to myself on the phone when I called my mom to come get me because I didn’t know if he would get more violent if I asked her to come get me. So I called her and was calm and after a couple minutes I asked “Hey mommy, did you get me those peanut butter cups from the store?” And she said “I’ll be right there.” And she came and got me within minutes. 

Second, I was a teenager spending the night at a friends house. Her brother and dad were drinking and they started talking about things that made me uncomfortable - ie: what they liked to do to women. My friend didn’t seem perturbed and said that was normal for them and that I shouldn’t worry. But I was worried because they were really drunk and I was 15 and the only ‘woman’ around that wasn’t related to them. I went in my friends room, told her I needed to call my mom and say goodnight. Before I hung up with her I asked “Next time we go to the store, can we get some peanut butters cups? I’ve been craving them.” And she came and got me, just like that. 

Bowling For Columbine (2002)