Monarch Musings

"Part of the deliberate intention of stonewalling is to keep the survivor 'on the hook' and not really able to pursue alternatives because the issue is still 'open' in some technical sense. However, in an abusive relationship, isolation and threats are usually present, and the survivor has no safe options to pursue needs except through the primary aggressor....Stonewalling is a complete pattern of non-communication and non-cooperation that only works from a position of power."

In short, anytime your partner ignores you, refuses to discuss issues with you, doesn't support your plans, won't compromise, won't explain their motivations, or refuses to hear your opinion or feelings, they may be engaging in stonewalling.

Some examples might include:

Refusing to discuss travel plans.

Refusing to support your plan to return to work or school.

Refusing to explain why they don't want you to come to their office parties.

Refusing to try a new activity with you.

Refusing to compromise on bedroom activities.

Refusing to hear your opinions about dietary changes to improve your health or the health of your children.

Refusing to collaborate regarding household chores and maintenance.

Refusing to discuss the need to move to a new home due to health or mobility issues.

Refusing to discuss the need for replacements or upgrades in your home.

"Victim stancing...turns the non-agreement of others into an injury.

The basic maneuver is to describe a disliked action of another person, in terms of being injured, usually just when accountability is expected. This works by changing the focus from the primary aggressor's behavior and irresponsibility, and puts focus on other people's behavior."

When private information between partners is shared with children or others outside of the relationship, trust is damaged. From this point forward, a reasonable person, would take steps to protect their privacy. Putting a password on computers and phones is a way of establishing and enforcing a boundary that their partner has a history of violating.

Accusing the victim of secrecy and inappropriate behavior for enforcing a boundary that protects their privacy is victim stancing. This is a form of domestic abuse.

"The difference between control and boundaries is that control is meant to make others what you want them to be but boundaries make it safe for us to be ourselves."

Note that a boundary isn't about controlling others. Therefore, setting a boundary regarding someone's self-pleasure behaviors and private sexuality is about controlling the other person. The boundary setter is trying to make the other person into something they want him/her to be. This has nothing to do with the boundary setter's personal safety.

Within a relationship, negotiating with your partner regarding their private sexuality and how they pursue it is reasonable. Setting non-negotiated boundaries regarding someone else's private behavior might not be reasonable.