Change always comes bearing gifts...

I wanna start blogging. Really blogging, not just writing down my thoughts once every 3 months.

My life for sometime has revolved around my daughters sleep schedule and although the predictability is usually great, when things go wrong in that area, my days and nights start to mesh together. Starting around 3.5 months ago, Sophia decided that the middle of the night was PARTY TIME. So as any overtired, smart-phone-having mother would do, I started to google my way into a frenzy. Research has always been my weapon of choice. Weapon against what exactly you ask? In this case, my own brain! My head kept telling me, "She knows how to sleep, she should be sleeping"! But my heart knew better. So my heart picked up its 'research' weapon and started to let my brain have it! My brain needed to understand that Sophia might know how to sleep, but there are SOOooo many things that are happening in her little body, that sleep just doesn't come as easy for her right now. "Growth Spurt", "Sleep Regression", "Teething", "Tummy Troubles"...All these and more can and do contribute to why my once very predictable daughter was now throwing me for a loop. It was like clockwork still, just not the time frame I had in mind. *3am: wake up, *4am: still awake, *5am: I'm dropping off, as Sophia seems to pick up speed, *6am: Rubbing eyes...Yawning..."Could it be"...NOPE, cried instantly at sight of bed. *7am: Walks to bed and asks to get it in. Well that last one is all fine and dandy, just not at 7am. Nothing like crawling back into bed as the sun comes up. Thank God for 'Eye Masks'. Every once and awhile, she will tease me. Sleep through few nights in a row and just as I think my world makes sense again: BAM! Screaming toddler comes through the baby monitor at 3am. You would think by now, I would picked up on what exactly is wrong... But Nope! When I think it's once thing and try to remedy that, doesn't work. So I have begun throwing all I have in my mommy tool belt at Sophia as soon as she wakes up. "Diaper-✔, Milk-✔, Snack-✔, Hot,Cold?-✔, Pain-✔, Gas-✔, Bothersome Boogers...Hair wrapped around toe or finger-✔" I do this because naively, I believe at the end of checking off my list, she will be ready to go to bed... What is wrong with me, and why do I fall for it every time? When will I learn that she will fall back asleep once she has 'read every book in her huge pile', 'played with every baby doll and stuffed animal', 'pulled every diaper out of the drawer', 'removed every one of her shoes from its spot and tried to put it on'? And when all these things have been accomplished, then and only then comes the sleep.

There are times when I feel like I am standing still as I watch my life fly by me on either side. I watch as the dreams of a hopeful, enthusiastic youth fade into the distance and I am faced with reality. That life isn't always how you imagine it will be. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows. And although there are moments when I feel like *time* is this unattainable tangible thing, I must stop and remember that time is something of the past, present and future. If I keep looking to my past to try and imagine my future, I will always be disappointed. But if I realize that the future will soon be the past, then I must not waste it thinking about what is not going to happen, and start imagining what could happen! And as for the present, I will never get these moments back, so I will stop letting life fly by me as I stare off into the distance. I will stand and face life, head on.

Sitting here watching the clock as I wait for just enough time to be sure Sophia has gone back to sleep. This has been the 5th night in a row ( and 5th weekend in a row) that I have been up with her. I wanna chock it up to teething but I know deep down, it really is because she is just growing and growing and her little body is trying to catch up to her brain. I thank God for the fact that she is not only growing, but she is a healthy, thriving little one. Her personality is the most precious thing to me. She is fiercely independent but goofy and lovable. I love watching her learn new things and erupting into clapping and laughter when she shows off her new skill. I knew parenting would probably be the hardest thing I would ever do... but I don't think I realized how rewarding and life altering it would be. I will never be the old me again... I am forever changed by her presence in my life. I live for more than just myself now. Every thought, every decision, both big and small, come to pass with her at the forefront of my mind. Thank you lord for trusting Brandon and I enough to be her parents. I hope we make you proud!

I cannot believe our little bundle o' joy is 18 months old! My heart soars and breaks at the same time hen I think how fast this has all gone!

Olivia and Sophia being tooo cute!

Today is a day of Thanksgiving, I could rattle off all the things I wish were different or milestones in my life that have not been reached or disappointments over the last year but I wont. I wont because I have a God who is bigger. He is bigger than all the hurts and fears and broken dreams. He is my Salvation and my safe place and for Him I will always be Thankful. He blesses me everyday. In the past year, He has blessed me with the most amazing daughter. Her life is a true miracle and her personality and adorable chubby cheeks are wonderful "bonuses". And for her, I will always be Thankful. And to Brandon, who is an amazing father to our amazing little girl. Watching you with her is a blessing. No matter what else you are doing in your life, please remember that your role and purpose in this life is to be her wonderful father. And you have exceeded my expectations. This last year has been filled with ups and downs, but we with you, this year, Sophia's first year, will I am sure be one we never forget. Thank you for being my best friend and I look forward to next year, seeing what God has in store. To my family, I could never have asked for more supportive and generous and loving parents. You are my examples. Thank you for showing me what it means to love your children. And thank you for loving Sophia, Brandon and me. Thank you for being wonderful Grandparents. Thank you to Ashley and Jeff. Opening your home to us and helping us these last few months has been such a blessing. I am thankful Sophia has gotten to know the 2 of you more. And I cant wait to meet my new niece soon. Thank you to Ali for being a great Aunt. Sophia lights up every time you play with her. To my friends, near and far, thank you! Your friendship and love means so much. I miss you all dearly, and cannot wait to spend more time with you all. Its never easy growing up and discovering the reality of adulthood: Not all your friends will always live on the same block so you can "go out and play". Thank you to my extended family and everyone who is in my life. I pray your Thanksgiving is filled with love. Happy Thanksgiving!

Sophia will be a 1 year old in less than 2 weeks! I cannot believe it! She is growing everyday. Almost walking and saying mama and dada! She loves the water! I am almost sure she will be a swimmer :) She also loves animals and seems to be fearless! Our lives have changed so much in the last year. We came to Michigan in July for Brandon to do an Internship for his MSW. Waiting to hear about a job now. Praying God provides, as He always does. My sister, Ashley, is about to have a baby girl, Tatum in January. Sophia will be a big girl cousin! I cant believe how much Sophia grows everyday and now she isn't the "little baby" anymore. Praying for God's guidance as we enter into the next phase of our lives in Michigan and with a "fearless toddler"!

Sophia is getting so big! I'm such a proud mommy. She has got the cutest little personality. She is such a ham already. I still can't believe our little one is almost 5 month old. Seems like yesterday, we found out she was on her way. Sophia discovered her new favorite thing to do recently, roll over to her belly... Then get stuck there. I know she will get the hang of rolling to her back sooner or later. It's so much fun to watch her little brain work. Her noises are changing too. She is definitely finding her voice. Her teething is a bit out of control lately. Drooling up a storm and gnawing on anything she can wrap her cute little hands around. Including but not limited too; her hands, my hair, her toes, my clothes, her own clothes, our phones just to name a few. She is the light of our life and I look forwarding to updating with more soon!

Our smiley girl!

It is funny how I can look at my calendar one day and Sophia is 1 month and then I blink and she is almost FOUR months old! Time flies when you are having fun... and losing sleep... and making bottles ... and changing diapers and doing laundry. But each little smile and giggle and yawn and cough and sneeze and hiccup make up for all the above. I can look in her eyes and see all the possibilities for her life. Her hopes and dreams, the woman she will be. I only hope I can be the kind of mom that she is proud of. That she isn't ashamed of...kinda like how I feel about my mom. I hope as she grows, our relationship will grow into one of mutual respect and love...kinda like my relationship with my mom. I know the next time I blink, she will be older and as much as I wish I could keep that from happening, and she stay my chubby little bunny, I know she has to grow up... and so I am going to stop blogging now because I don't want to miss a second with her.

I woke up to a smiling baby next to me. Changed her diaper. Made her a bottle. Turned on the weather channel. I pumped. Played with Sophia on the bed. Rocked her back to sleep. Did the dishes. Folded cloths. Took a shower. Changed Sophia's diaper. Fed her. Drove to the store. Tried to go to Barnes and Nobles but they closed early. Baby cried. Got stuck behind a bad accident. Baby cried. Had to stop for gas. Baby cried. Fed baby in the car at the gas station. Baby cried again. Got home and fed baby more. Rocked baby girl to sleep. Made bottle for Daddy to feed baby girl. Put baby in her jumper. And decided to blog about my day..THE END.

Our happy girl