BlackGirlTM

“you lurk bc u care” no bitch it’s bc im nosey

twitter makes me so uncomfortable because weirdness on there is so performative…when someone is weird on tumblr you know they’re eating drywall in life for real….

@poorputa you when u ate all that drywall

please be gentle to your pets, they trust you so much and believe that whatever youre doing for them is the best thing. they trust you to be kind and benevolent. small critter or otherwise, you have the trust of this animal, and i implore you to be gentle and decent. don’t betray that trust

I think I just wet the bed from laughing

Why does everyone who works at subway hate subway lmaooo

Should I download TikTok? Lol

I lost it at MOMO lmaooo

Princess Diana wasn’t John Mulaney’s first kill

JFK was assassinated in 1963. John Mulaney was born in 1982… clearly he is using time travel to commit these crimes.

John Mulaney, time traveling assassin by night, joke telling former SNL writer by day. This is where his anxiety dreams come from.

I tell my friends this all the time. With everything that you do, move carefully.

Dear God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.

God love me so idc

I want a home mostly just to welcome people into it. There will be bowls of candy for guests, and the cookie jar is full. I’ll always say “I was just about to make a coffee/tea/cocoa, would you like one?” when somebody walks in. There’s lemonade and iced tea made fresh on hot days. Once it hits That Hour and they start saying they really should be going, I’ll remind them that the futon is always open, and I’m making cinnamon rolls tomorrow. There’s champagne and sparkling juice hidden on a high shelf just in case somebody announces their engagement or their pregnancy or their new job while they’re here. There is an extra chair in the living room, at the table, and on the deck, and it’s for you. I want to be able to say “if you’re ever in trouble, come to me.”