Where The Love Resides

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Honestly, alive. I like not being desirable or attractive. I love that no one wants me. There was a period when I wanted someone, when I wanted to be loved. I’m not having sex anymore; I’ve permanently cut that out. I refuse to get married or have children. I refuse to go on dates.

I’m just… alone, you know?

The friends I had and the lover I had, to them, New York was everything. Although it’s a big city, I felt confined. I deserved better. I needed better. I’m not that New York kid who feels like they have to stay there forever.

Leaving NYC was the best decision of my life.

I bought a one way ticket, linked up with the people I was once friends with, saw my ex one last time, said my goodbyes to my mother, and landed in Maui. I cried, not out of sadness, but because I knew this was going to be my new life, and I was so ready.

I was 23. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have a job. I didn’t have a place lined up. I just had hope.

Years later, people didn’t expect me to grow. I guess they thought I would fail. So many people doubted me and watched from a distance.

Since then, I’ve experienced Asia. I’m planning a trip to Europe. I’ve explored South America. I did all of it by myself.

Now, I commute back and forth between Hawai’i and New York. I walk around with a smile on my face, no longer sad. I appreciate where I came from, and I appreciate where I am.

Thank you.