i should stop ★procastinating☆

the best thing about having the house to myself is that I can make breakfast in my underwear

a joke post on here could be like “why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side!” and some glumshoe would reblog it like “Huh? As someone who once saw a chicken, I don’t understand this post. This simply sounds like a red junglefowl situation, the ancestors of chickens. These have been observed crossing roads. Though I’m not sure how this is relevant enough to warrant a post…”

when yr so tired ur eyelids are like SHUT IT DOWN BOYS but ur brian is like OPEN THOSE GATES LADS n ur closing ur eyes then opening then closing then opening then closing then opening then closing

“ur brian”

listen here mate i know what i said and i stick by it i cling to my mistakes like a real man

he’s cured

actually if you look at the heart monitor hes flat lining

Gotta die somehow.

A miracle

i’m not against vaping, but man, vaping two inches from my face on the subway is a ridiculous asshole kind of move. this dude was billowing like he was auditioning for the role of haunted house fog machine. the humidity in the whole car changed, he was ruining haircuts. just jump starting the water cycle. condensation was dripping down my glasses. people were slipping off poles, it was chaos. it was like watching one man try to terraform the moon. a planet with one dense, root beer scented atmosphere blocking out the sun and choking all life. 

i consider this a sort of prose poem to be honest

babies are overrated

at everyone saying “you used to be a baby”…where is your proof????

perfect couple: one person has cold hands, the other has warm hands. together, they maintain the ideal temperature for hand holding

relationship goals: thermodynamic equilibrium

[walks up to a couple] so which of you is the source and which is the sink?

……wow

omg

OMG?

@thisismouseface