Things bottled up

I actually feel really really lonely..

Hello. I haven't written in a while. Life has been a roller coaster of emotions, but I'm still riding it, I I'll check back again. Wish me luck.

I was never really afraid of how small the world is. I was never really afraid of small places. I was more afraid of big empty spaces, I was afraid of its emptiness, I was afraid of being too small against the big hurdles. I guess I was really afraid of how big the world was.

I'm full of hate, but everything that leaks out from me is love. I'm full of discouraging thoughts towards myself, but encouraging thoughts to other people. I'm filled up with dark emotions, but I fill people up with happiness and joy. I'm full of self loathing, and self hatred, but everything that leaks out are false happiness. I'm full of all the negativities around me to the point that its eating up my bones, but all I could do is to make sure that another doesn't feel that way. I'm full of negative crap that people feed me, but I continue to spit out loving and accepting words. I'm full of darkness, to the point that light has no place to come in and shine. I'm full of shit.

All kinds of emotionally fucked up.

Sometimes you just have to accept and let go of the things that you have no control off, so that is what I'm going to do. This is me not giving up or raising the white flag. But this is me picking the fights that are worth it, this is me realizing that I am better of worrying about the things that I can do something about, rather than waste my time on things that I can't.

What's on my mind? I don't even know it's just a jumble of letters up in there, a mixture of what the fuck is going on, I keep telling myself I am tired, but idk how to deal with it. When will I be ever content, content with what's around me, with what I have, when will I be ever content with myself. Fuck fuck. A big giant fuck. Iduno Iduno. Why am I even fucking typing this shit out.

I've been thinking. I probably have over reacted, it tends to usually happen, my emotions gets the best of me. Not the bad way that I start hurting everyone physically, but yeah I over reacted, i like you and I thought you liked me back, but when I realized that you didn't, and you fancied my friend instead it just kind of hurt, I just thought I guess you were the one. I just thought that I didn't have to look anymore, with how comfortable everything was in the beginning, but towards the end it crumpled down bit by bit. I apologize everything gets the best of me. I am sorry. MJA