Mocha Subbie 💕

Do any of the ppl following me still get on here? I plan to just use this as a way to journal but I wouldn't mind talking to ppl every once in a while. I did have an anonymous Twitter page for this purpose but my ex read it twice and it just doesn't feel safe for that purpose anymore. Not to mention, I forgot what email or phone number I used to make the account and I forgot the handle cuz I changed it after he read it the first time. I feel without places to express myself.

I forgave this girl for crossing me but I still don't trust her. I can tell she wants to try and be friends again but I don't trust she won't cross me again. The other girls who apologized to me for how they crossed me did it again so why wouldn't she? She deceived me just like they did. Befriended me with ill intentions like they did too so why would I believe you're actually sorry. I think I need therapy for this new trauma cuz I'm honestly at the point of not trusting ppl anymore.

Getting on here feels like screaming into the void now SMH. If anybody still gets on here, msg me. I just wanna talk and get my mind off things that are bothering me... 😶 my inbox is open..

Does anyone even still get on this? I wish I had someone to talk to...

I feel really discouraged and like I don't even wanna talk it out anymore. Like, why tf do u feel this way after expressing how I feel? I didn't do anything wrong and even if I was upset, I had a right to be because I'm the one with the issue. It honestly puzzles me how I can try and talk something out & yet it always ends in you being mad somehow even if you didn't have a problem and that's crazy. It's like you get mad to purposely eclipse my anger knowing that yours is much worse than mine. It's not even possible for me to stay on topic once you start to get upset cuz your temper is so volatile it's dangerous and I usually don't wanna be caught in the crossfire of it. I really don't like that. I want freedom of expression too.

I slipped up today and was about to go through my boyfriend's phone. I clicked a name in his messages and scrolled all the way to the top of the message thread & then I just stopped and exited his messages & immediately returned his phone to him. But I did get a glimpse before I closed it all out. & I glimpsed that he called this girl "mami" & my feelings are so fucking hurt by it. I've told him I want that to be a nickname only for me. He has my blessings to flirt or whatever but that was one thing I wanted to myself. And it seems to me that he's incapable of reserving that one damn pet name for only me and IDK why. I've explained in detail how important it was to me. He already knows how it feels cuz he made a big deal over me jokingly calling someone "Uncle Daddy" just cuz Daddy was in it and that's supposed to be for him. So, I don't think I care anymore. Only way for this to stop constantly bothering me is to just be like fuck it. But also return that energy. I'm calling whoever tf I want Daddy and I don't wanna hear shit about it because I stopped completely when asked and mfs just can't seem to reciprocate that energy so I'm just gonna stop giving it.

I'm really tired of ppl treating dark skinned and tall women like we're super masculine or like our complexion or height grants is some kind of She Hulk level strength. It's honestly annoying af. I may be strong, maybe even stronger than a lot of women but I do not have man level strength. I can not beat up a grown ass man and it offends me when mfs imply that I can. Like being darker doesn't give me the powers of the black panther or no shit like that so I really wish ppl would stop treating me like it does.

Have you ever been around someone who gets overly angry at small things & get all aggressive with you and you try and stay calm knowing 2 angry mfs aren't gonna solve anything but they're being so confrontational that you finally snap and yell back or get angry back and then they calm down and try and treat you like you've been the angry one the whole time? Like wtf is that? I find myself doing so many things outside of my character because sometimes I'm pushed there. I'm naturally very non confrontational and meek tbh. I spent a good portion of my life never standing up for myself, just taking everything on the chin cuz I don't like to fight or confront issues head on. I don't like conflict. I actively avoid it most times. But throughout this situation I'm doing more things that are more YOUR character than mine and I hate it. For example, I didn't use to go through phones, or call the police on ppl, or argue and drink at work, or get into physical fights, or take ppl's belongings, like man the list goes on and on. I hate who I see myself becoming. I hate feeling so out of touch and control with my emotions when I'm usually not like this at all. IDK how to begin reverting back to my old self.

I might be overreacting or reaching tbh but... Tonight, I was on FB scrolling & came across a photo of a woman I went to high school with with her girlfriend & I couldn't help but remember how a former friend of mine used to date her & would always talk crap about the girl despite dating her. I was telling my boyfriend how in hindsight I realize how fucked up that was. I never made fun of the girl myself but I wouldn't defend her either. I was further explaining how fucked up it was that my former friend would constantly call her girlfriend ugly and say that was the reason she always cheated on her and that she was only with her because of the material gain. I told my boyfriend that I hope that doesn't happen to me & went on to say how he doesn't see anything wrong with that. I'm just sitting there super surprised that he wouldn't find something like that messed up. I guess because I've been in that kind of situation before where a woman I was with was calling me unattractive behind my back to her friends and shit & at to end the relationship she ghosted me & told her "best friend" that I was just a "housewife" which basically meant she was embarrassed to be seen in public with me. That shit was devastating to hear especially for someone with such low esteem. So, to hear that he doesn't see anything wrong with someone purposely dating someone they find unattractive just to use them & make fun of them is honestly disheartening & got me wondering now. Like do you actually find me attractive or are you just here for the gains? & what's fueling these thoughts is an incident from a while ago where I saw a text message between him & one of his women friends where he told her that as soon as he got a car he was planning to dump me. Which I took to mean as one of the reasons he's still with me is because it's beneficial to him. I can't shake the notion loose and it's hurting my feelings. I wish my brain wouldn't dredge up shit to hurt me but I can't help it. I've been used before & been with ppl who never wanted to show me off and I'm sitting here feeling like the ugly duckling inside my head. I hope this is just PMS fucking with my emotions... He tells me I'm beautiful all the time and cute and adorable and all that but it's not like he'd tell me to my face that he thinks I'm ugly and even if I asked I doubt even if he thinks so, he'd tell me out loud so IDK what to think. I think I might just be tripping but I had to vent how I felt.

I am at my wit's end with the bullshit. I'm so over it. I hate life right now. Every single part of it. I feel depression and anxiety start to pester me again and I'm just so unhappy but walking around like I'm not. I feel like there's no one to truly vent to cuz no one cares or actually wants to help just give advice they themselves don't even follow. I need to get away. I need an escape so bad. I need my own place desperately. I don't want to live like this anymore.

I feel so suspicious and IDK how to deal with it. I think I'm being lied to but I no longer trust my intuition completely. IDK if I'm suspicious because something funny is actually going on or because of things that happened in the past. I'm not sure. All I know is, the desire to go confirm whether or not I'm right in my suspicions is growing daily and I fight it daily. Literally nothing is going wrong in my relationship rn. No big arguments, he's affectionate and caring toward me. He spoils me and looks out for me and I honestly don't really have anything solid that's making me feel this way. Literally just small shit, that just doesn't sit quite right with me and I wish I could shake it off. I don't wanna go through his phone, I just wanna know the truth and I'm just not sure that's what I'm getting and I'm so bothered by it. IDK if it'll ever be possible for me to move on and stay happy. Cuz I'm usually happy with him and then a negative thought or memory will pop into my head and next thing you know I'm melancholy and suspicious again for no real reason. I'm really over feeling like this but I'm unsure how to change it or overcome it. I need to find a therapist quickly.