Mocaii

I wrote this to tell you that I love you— yes love… after all this time I still love you and a part of me forever will even if years fly by. Love is a concept way deeper than what we make of it. I used to think I regret meeting you because of how I thought I wasted 2 years for nothing. But it wasn’t nothing, it was years worth of learning, experiencing, and although it may not be the most ideal experience to go through in the years where we were supposed to socialize and explore ourselves, I still ended up learning things about me because of you.

I wouldn’t be who I am right now if there wasn’t you. You taught me patience, resilience, love, and consideration. Amidst your pain you still loved me, maybe more of it is attachment but it was love regardless. I met you at a low point in your life and I wanted so badly to be the light that guided you to happiness, but I fell into a pit hole of despair, I used to blame you for it so I grew resentment whenever you made me feel negative emotions, but youre not to blame. I brought it upon myself to give more than what I could. I gave everything I could even if I needed a break because above all I wanted to keep you, to keep on loving you with my unshakeable devotion.

I wanna admit that when we went out together as partners for the last time, I broke it up because I hated how I still wasn’t enough even if I did what I could. I wanted so badly to love you and make you happy but I just really wasn’t the one you needed and the realization stung me in sta lucia’s bathroom. You needed more than me, and its not wrong to want more, I just felt so defeated because I took the courage to actually try and give what I could. But it’s all been done na, im happy if you’re happy. I hope your new relationship fulfils what I couldn’t. And to your following lovers— i hope they treat you well with the love and gentleness you deserve.

You were still my baby at some point and whenever I held you in my arms nothing else in the world mattered. I wanted it so badly to be you, but we ended up being a lesson for eachother. I do not have intentions of getting back with you, the last time I did it shattered me and you. They say loving someone would be to keep choosing their partner over and over again, but how am I supposed to stay and choose you when were both actively putting eachother in pain? how am I supposed to stay and choose you when I know how we’ve been living in the same cycle for years?

It wasn’t an easy decision to break up with you, you were everything to me. I couldn’t choose you because I wanted to let go and grow too. Im not the one who brought growth to your life. I wish you genuine healing my love, you’re no longer mine to have but my love for you prevails like unshaken faith for a god I so badly want to be real.

If you want to know how im doing, well im doing better now. I still ache to the thought of you here and there but I found better outlets. I hope you find better outlets too, and happiness within yourself. I genuinely miss you, i miss the sound of your laughter that echoes with pure joy, i miss the softness in your face when we cuddle, i miss hearing you rant about your family and the people who made you feel bad, i miss holding your hand, i miss kissing your forehead, i miss watching you strum your guitar, i miss karaoke with you, i miss hugging you from behind while you cooked, i miss wrapping my arms around you on that motor even if you disliked how restricting it felt with my face on your shoulders, I miss attacking you with kisses, and just laying in bed in silence together, I miss walking around qc with you, I miss you.

Im sorry for doing what I did. You must’ve felt so betrayed. I made that choice from vulnerability, pain, and longing to ease the loneliness but I made that knowing that it was wrong. Im no saint, I don’t go around believing that you’re evil, we both have our faults and I made a really wrong decision. No man ever meant anything to me, ikaw parin mahal ko from start to healing. I can’t fathom how you could find someone to love so easily parin though. I tried and failed, the only thing I could lean on was my hyper sexual outlet. Pero sabagay, on and off naman na tayo dati pa, and I brought you more pain than love kaya siguro getting over me was easier noh?

I wont hold it against you if you no longer love me, I know you care for me, I know you still feel pain because of me. Someday maybe you’ll fully get over the hurt I caused, but for now Im genuinely sorry. I hurt the person I love the most. It’s getting long na, and as much as I want to rant about how much I love you, it wont make a difference because were both set on what we want. I’ll be leaving now, as a distant memory in the past. If you ever feel like no one in this world cares or loves you, trust me I do, were gay, you’re the first person I ever truly loved with all of my being. I wont forget about you. Youll be in mornings where I cook for myself, youll be in the songs you dedicated to me which I still listen to this day, you’ll be in the food I consume, youll be visiting me in my dreams every now and then.

I love you and goodbye mahal ko. I don’t regret you anymore because I loved loving you more than anything. Thank you for the memories, and please don’t contact me anymore. I wont be able to handle it, writing for you for the last time already hurts, what more pa kaya hearing from you. For the last time, good morning, goodnight, eatwell, sweet dreams, i miss you, and i love you.

1/26/24

Because of you, no one else will ever suffice. They could send me piles of gold, yet my heart will insist; in your arm is where I belong, for it is your embrace that made me this strong. They could try to flatter me when they come my way, but it is only your voice that stirs my emotions at the end of the day. Our souls are tied, and our chakras have aligned. We have a universe to explore, in this lifetime where you are mine.

All shall remind you that I care.

I bind us with love and protection,

May we flourish with deep connection.