Moahxel City

I'm super crazy these days because I'm attempting to pull off the herculean task of reading idol web novels, stanning and keeping up with my real life ult kpop and jpop groups, and most importantly medical school—we're currently learning pharmacology, microbiology, histopathology and some other things. I'm literally seeing these idols—both fictional and real—in my dreams, thinking of them in class, and also having drugs and diseases adding to the web of confusion and delirium in my mind. It's kinda funny and it's making me really hyper. The novel I'm reading also has characters I feel are really similar to my ult jpop group. They're kind of working together to amplify my obsession with idols in general actually. I've been more feral now than I've ever been throughout my stanning journey. I think it's getting worse because the incidents in the novel align with what's happening in real life and my little rat brain is feeding off of, and enjoying drawing similarities .

I'm always listening to music. I frequently experience that feeling where the song is so good you simply want to dig into your insides and pull the threads of the song right from your body. Somehow, when I listen to music, it's in my body just as much as it's in my ears. Like they say, I can feel it in my bones. I pretty much become the music. I love the effect it has on my feelings too. It's always nice to get a reminder of how alive and aware I really am.

I love my friends. I love them so much it sometimes feels like my heart is going to burst right out of my chest. When I was much younger and alone, I would always wish for the friends I have today. The moments we've had up till now have genuinely shaped me into a better person. It feels amazing knowing that the experiences I had always dreamt of became real. Any yet, why am I still looking for something? Why do I have this yearning, this desire for something more? I wish I could explore friendships more deeply with people. I think that boundaries are important of course, but sometimes I wish that we didn't have to divide relationships into categories. Oftentimes, it really dawns on me that once these people who I treasure so much enter relationships, I'll enter the back burner in their lives. I know I should cherish the time we have now, but I can't stop myself from thinking about it, about the fate of our future. I realise the only way to get a relationship where I know I'm their "everything" may not exist in a platonic relationship. I want to know that no matter how much times passes, we'll still mean so much to each other, and that the love between us only continues to grow. I find it so hard to accept people leaving my life. I wonder if I'm the problem, maybe I'm asking for too much. I wish I knew what to do.

For you, there is no choice but to forgo righteousness, it would behest me to be irresponsible thousands, even tens of thousands of times. You ask me why, but instead I say, resting in my heart are the vessels of love you have bestowed upon me. It may not please you to know that what lay in my chest is a bottomless pit, eternally wanting, agonizingly searching. Only your voice, the song forever calling me, can sustain the hunger laying deep within. May your presence ne'er be lost on me, so this ever flowing void lying dormant, continuing to rest silently and full of peace, should ever be disturbed, awoken only with the loss of you.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would've turned out to be if I couldn't read. The fact is, the ability to read isn't something that comes naturally to us. It has to be taught. It feels unfair because I know there are many people out there who don't even have the chance to learn, many who have died never knowing how to fully express themselves. I think I simply wouldn't exist, so how many people are actually living that reality right now?