love me

Hi. It's been a while. Life update lang. Hmm..

I'm finally graduating! After five and a half years in college and I'm finally graduating.

Sa December 11 ung ceremony, hindi sa PICC though okay lang as long as na hindi sa SM. Hahahahahahehe So ayun Review na ako ngayon. Super nakakatamad minsan, hindi ko pa mahanap kung saan ako kumportable sa pag-aaral.

Parang gusto ko gumawa ng another blogpost about this pero WAAAAAHHH I SAW WINNER!!!!!!!!

Anyways these past few months, naadik nanaman ako sa kpop. As in! Tho hindi na multifan katulad dati. Sa WINNER na lang talaga, I LOVE THEM SO MUCHHHH!!!

So ayun nga, I saw them exactly a week ago. Mumsh!!!!! Super saya!!!!!! I want to cry, sobrang mahal na mahal ko sila. Siguro another blog post for them.

Prologue:

“I like you, Seve. Gustong gusto kita.” Pumikit ako at ngumisi. I just screamed that at the top of my lungs. Also, in front of my favorite city. The overlooking Cebu city looks alive and beautiful. Habang nakatayo ako sa semento kung saan ang nasa harap ko ay bangin, ramdam na ramdam ko ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa isinigaw ko o dahil nasa mataas akong lugar ngayon. Narinig ko naman na nagtawanan ang mga kaibigan ko, hindi makapaniwala sa pag-amin ko.

“She’s drunk. Iuwi niyo na nga yan. Tss.” Masungit na sabi ng lalaking isinigaw ko ang pangalan ngunit tinawanan lang siya ng mga kaibigan namin. Napaharap tuloy ako sa banda nila at nakitang tumayo ito at masamang tumingin sa akin. Ngumisi ako ng nakitang naglakad ito papunta sa direksyon ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit naaliw ako lalo sa kasungitan niya.

“Not yet drunk.” Tumalikod ulit ako nung ilang hakbang na lang ang layo niya sa akin. At itinaas ko ang dalawang kamay at pumikit para damhin ang hangin. “But I’m sleepy.”

Bumaba ako pagtapos ng ilang segundo at naabutan siyang nakahalukipkip at simangot pa rin ang mukha. Ang ganda ganda lang talaga ng mga mata niya pero parang mas naghahanap ng atensyon iyong mga mapupulang labi niya. This is a sin and I don’t want to sin but… hindi siya marunong makisama, binasa niya pa ito sa pamamagitan ng dila niya. Para bang nang-aakit. Ugh. I can’t resist it… bahala na nga!

“What do you think you’re doing?” Itinulak niya ako palayo sa kanya. Kita ko rin ang galit sa mga mata niya pero imbis na ma-guilty ay natutuwa ako. He’s my first kiss. And soon my first boyfriend too. Ha!

“Chill. It’s just a peck. Hayaan mo pananagutan naman kita. Simula ngayon liligawan na kita. Promise…” Ngumisi ako at itinaas pa ang kanang kamay na parang nanunumpa.

Tahimik lang akong nagsasayaw ng may naramdaman akong sumasayaw sa likod ko at base sa tingin at itsura ng mga kaibigan ko ay alam ko na kung sino iyon. And also, the way my body reacts, sigurado akong siya nga iyon. Hindi naman kasi nanlalambot ang tuhod ko at nagiging concious ang buong sistema ko kung kani-kanino lang. Mali. Sa kanya lang ito nangyayari. Kabisado ko na ang lahat sa kanya. Alam kong malapit siya kahit pa na hindi ko pa siya nakikita. Malayo, malapit, nakatalikod o nakaharap. Kabisado ko na siya.

Bago pa magbago ang isip ko, hinarap ko na ang lalaki. In front of me is the guy of my dreams. The guy I've been praying to have since I was a silly teenager. Pinatong ko ang dalawa kong kamay sa balikat niya, pinagpatuloy ko ang pagsasayaw habang nakasara ang mga mata ko. I'm going crazy.

Hindi ko inaasahan na kasama pala siya, akala ko puro mga babae lang kaming lalabas ngayon ngunit may iilan palang mga lalaki at isa siya doon. Naalala ko tuloy kung gaano ka-awkward ung pagbati namin kanina sa isa't-isa.

"Uy hi you're here!" Mejo alangan kong bati sa kanya pagkatapos kong makipagbeso sa isa kong kaibigan.

Ngumiti lang siya sa akin at pagtapos ay kinausap na ang mga kasama namin. After all these years, after years of not seeing him, hindi ako makapaniwalang ganoon pa rin ang nararamdaman ko. Man, it’s been years. I should've moved on. Pero hindi at hanggang ngayon hinahabol pa rin ang puso ko tuwing magkakasalubong iyong mga mata namin. I practiced this a lot in my head, kung anong sasabihin ko, yung ngiti ko at yung dapat casual lang ako kapag nagkita kami ulit. Pero ang hirap pala at tingin ako I was still the 15 year girl from seven years ago.

Nawala ako sa iniiisip ko ng naramdaman ko ung dalawang kamay niya na punatong sa baywang ko. Shit. We're dancing. Again. Nakapag sayaw na kami dati, pero iba itong ngayon. We're adults and we're actually dancing. F*ck. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa alak itong pagkahilo or dahil sa paraan ng pagkakalapit namin sa isa't-isa. I can't think straight. And I didn't know that I stopped dancing already. Pero nakapulupot pa rin ang mga kamay ko sa kanyang balikat, I am hugging him. And he's hugging me back.

"Are you dizzy? You want to sit?" Is he concerned? is this really happening?

"No-no. I'm okay. I just..." I can't think straight. Nagkabuhol buhol yata ang mga salita sa utak ko dahilan kung bakit hindi ko madugtungan ang sasabihin ko.

I need to calm down. I need a drink. At sakto namang may dumaang waiter na nag-aalok ng alak para sa mga babae, it's ladies night. Kumuha ako ng isa at agad na ininom iyon ng hindi bumibitaw ng yakap sa kanya. Pangalawa, pangatlo. Pang-ap...

"Stop it." Binitawan niya ako at kinuha ang shot glass sa kamay ko. Muntik na tuloy ako matumba dahil sa biglaang pagkakabitiw niya na dahilan kung bakit hinawakan niya ulit ako ng baywang sa isang kamay niya. Tequila ata yung nainom ko dahil naramdaman ko agad ang tama non sa akin.

"Will you please, please hug me again? Stop staring." Nakita ko ang pag aalinlangan sa mga mata niya kaya bago pa siya makatanggi ay inunahan ko na siya ng mga yakap ko.

"I feel sorry for your girl, I really do. I know this is bad. But I really think I deserve this. I've been waiting for this day since we were first year high school. I've been waiting for you since then." Hinintay ko ang sagot niya ngunit wala akong narinig na maski ano sa mga sumunod ng minuto.

"Can you hear my heart? It's beating so loud. It’s your fault, kapag namatay ako right at this moment. Cause? Too much love, wala ng lugar ang dugo sa puso ko." Humalakhak ako sa mga pinagsasabi ko. And  think it's effective because he's laughing too.

Lumayo ako ng konti para makita siynag tumatawa. Isa ito sa mga dahilan kung bakit ako nahulog ng husto sa kanya. Iyong ngiti at tawa niya. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa labi niyang nakangisi. Damn it. It’s so sexy. Para itong may sariling buhay at nagmamakaawang mahalikan.

Siguro nga wala na talaga ako ni katiting na katinuan.

“Will you steal my first kiss? I’m sure I'm going to regret asking you this tomorrow if you reject me, so please.” Pumikit ako ng mariin pagtapos kong sabihin iyon, hindi dahil sa umasa na agad akong pagbibigyan niya ako sa kagustuhan ko kundi dahil sa kakahiyang naramdaman ko pagkatapos na lumabas iyong mga salita sa bibig ko. I know him; he’s not the kind of person that will do this. That’s why I’m really wondering why he is dancing with me now.  Or why are those hands in my back?

"It's okay if you don't want to I mean you can walk away I know it's too much Oh my gosh I'm sorry I didn't mean to... shit I mean I meant it, I want to know how it feels like to be kissed by someone I really like and I want you to be my first kiss but I know it's wrong you have a girlfriend I'm sorry I shouldn't have" naputol ang pagkakataranta ko ng narinig ko ang tawa niya. Ilang segundo ko lang ba nasabi lahat ng iyon at bakit hinihingal ako ngayon. Kunot noo ko siyang tinignan habang patuloy na nakangiti ang kanyang mata at may lumalabas na malalim na halakhak sa labi niya.

"You're cute. I don't have a girlfriend though. You cut all our connections in social media kaya hindi mo siguro alam. And I want to kiss you too but I won't do it." he said while smiling.

“What? Why not? I mean… you’re single and I’m single?”  kunot noong tanong ko. And what the hell am I saying? Why am I insisting this? I am going crazy. But if this is a dream, then I wanna stay in this bubble forever.  

“Wrong time, wrong place. I want all of these to get right for the first time. I’m sure you can wait, hmm?”

“You think, I’m the right person? For you?”

“I don’t know. I kind of want you to be the right person. Ayaw mo?”

“You are my right person. And I want to be your right person too.”

 ***

I find it hard na magsulat sa journal kasi super short ng spaces each day. And hindi kaya para sa ganitong pakiramdam. I have written something last last week yata dito, but then binura ko kasi I got scared na baka someone who knew me personally could read it. Ahu. I don’t like the idea na someone I know reads my raw thoughts. Well, except for my bestfriend.

But this one is a very personal and raw. Might delete this sa susunod or not.

I don’t know why I made this blog a very personal blog again. Siguro kasi minsan, sobra yung mga nararamdaman ko at hindi sapat yung planner na ginagamit ko. Maybe, I should get me a journal next time.

March 17, 2017.

I was so depressed yesterday. My thoughts were pushing me para isipin na mas okay na mawala ako dito sa mundo. Pero ayokong isipin na may mental illness ako, it’s just a bad day. It is just a really bad day. Or maybe yung meds na iniinom ko that’s why my happy hormones were missing. Or maybe it’s someone’s fault. But let’s not get to that part yet.

This semester is almost done. Kaso hindi ako sigurado kung ipapasa ko ba lahat ng subjects. Also, may calendar shifting na rin na magaganap. August na ang simula ng pasok and we have two summer classes. Yung una (April-May), para sa OJT and yung second (June-July) para sa Numerical Methods. I want time to fast forward kasi gusto ko ng makatapos. Napapagod na ako emotionally. Parang habang tumatagal lalo akong nababawasan. At pakiramdam ko paubos na ako. Pero mabilis na nga ang oras kasi parang kalian lang e, ngayon last year ko na sa college. Hayyy.

Nalaman ko na hindi gagraduate yung isa kong bestfriend. And it hurts. We always talk about acads, about sa prof na tamad or sa mga kaklase niyang ewan. Alam na alam niya din ung storya ng college life ko, it’s like nasa mundo pa rin kami ng isa’t-isa, just like elem and high school. And then ayon nga, I can’t imagine yung nararamdaman niya ngayon. From shame kasi nadisappoint niya yung mga tao around her to hurt  kasi na disappoint niya yung sarili niya. L Pero may purpose naman si God kung bakit hindi niya pa ibibigay sayo ung para sayo talaga di ba? Every delay has its blessing and lesson. It ain’t a rejection or a denial. Atsaka she knows naman that God’s timing is always perfect. Naniniwala akong yung comeback na mangyayari sa kanya is greater and braver. At sabi nga dun sa lyrics ng Grace Changes Everything ng Victory Worship: There's no pain too deep / The cross declares it is done /  There's no shame too real / That His love won't heal / Forever the victory is won. Also, I am saying this to myself. If ever I feel this pain next year. It’s okay. You will make it. God’s timing.

Ito nanaman yung yearly post about goals and such. Yung mga promises I always give to myself, kaso days after tinatamad na ako, so balik sa dating gawi. I don’t know why I bother to write something like this, palagi lang naman broken promises. I started nung seventeen ako, I promised myself that I would love and accept myself. Everything, including all my flaws. Pero hanggang ngayon I still feel this hatred boiling inside towards myself. My body, especially. And how I am not doing good in university.

I am my own bully. And then I wonder kung bakit ako malungkot? This is my problem e, I keep on doing things that would make me hate myself. Also, people say na mabait ako and such, and I feel guilty every time kasi alam ko sa sarili kong hindi naman ako mabait. I do good deeds ng hindi genuine, minsan. Hindi ako nagmumura pero sa isip ko marami na akong nasasabing masama. Para bang masama ako na nagpapanggap na mabait. I hate that about myself. And I hate myself for thinking SO bad sa sarili ko.

When do I get to finally convince that I’m beautiful? Or that I am enough? I miss my 15 year old self, gusto ko siyang yakapin. Tapos mag-sorry kasi I feel like I failed her, kasi look.. sobrang pathetic. In two hours, it’s my 20th birthday and yet sinusulat ko to and I’m crying.

No more promises this time. Akala ko kapag nagkaroon kalang ng bitter break-up sa jowa mo, tsaka ka lang magiging bitter sa salitang promise e. Hindi pala, maski pala sa sarili mo lang. I don’t like promises anymore.

Sobrang nakakalungkot.

Ilan buwan na ang nakalipas pero kung balik-balikan ako ng mga salitang iniwan niya nung huli naming pagkikita ay parang kahapon lang ang lahat. Sariwa pa rin ang sugat. Kahindik-hindik pa rin ang sakit. At hindi pa rin nauubos ang mga luha.

"Please. Please, Khal. Hindi ko kaya. Ayoko. Mahal kita. Please. Gagawin ko lahat, huwag mo lang akong iwan. Nagmamakaawa ako."

I have imagined this would happen. Simula palang nakikiusap na ako sa atensyon niya, at I know eventually I will beg for his love. I love him. At noong umiyak ako at tumayo sa aking mga tuhod para makiusap na manatili siya ay napatunayan ko na ibang klase pala ang sakit. Hindi katulad ng akala ko. Parang binabasag ang pagkatao ko. Parang inihagis sa impyerno ang kaluluwa ko at dinurog ng pino ang puso ko.

Iyon ang huli naming kita. Ang mga mata niyang nagmamakaawa na pabayaan ko na siya, mga matang nagmamakaawa na palayain ko at hayaan siyang maglayag papunta sa sarili niyang puso at tila tinatakpan iyong ngiting mata na aking paborito at laging hinahanap-hanap.

***

Unti-unti akong nakakabangon dala ng oras. Mabagal pero sigurado. Isang gabi, sumama ako sa mga kaibigan ko para lumabas. Ito ang unang gabi na lalabas ako simula ng mga pangyayari. Unang gabi na pipiliin kong hindi alalahanin ang mga ala-ala noong kaming dalawa pa. Tumatalon ang puso ko habang papalapit kami ng papalapit at palakas ng palakas ang ingay galing sa loob. I miss dancing!

Nawawala ako sa sarili, nakalimutan ko ang lahat habang nagsasayaw ng biglang may dalawang kamay na pumatong sa baywang ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit napaso ako at lumayo ng onti.

Pero lumapit siya at idinikita pa lalo sa akin ang kanyang katawan. Hindi na ako komportable. Kilala ko 'tong hawak na ito. Kilalang kilala ko 'tong amoy na ito. Hindi niya pa rin binabago ang pabango niya, iyong binigay ko pa rin ang gamit niya. F*ck!

Inilayo ko ang katawan ko. At nag-adyang aalis ngunit hinila niya ang mga braso ko at inikot para maiharap ako sa kanya. Pagtapos ay binalot niya ako ng mga bisig niya at pinatong niya ang kanyang ulo sa balikat ko.

Gusto ko siyang yakapin pabalik. Pero para akong binuhusan ng malalamig na tubig ng sumagi sa isip ko ang huli naming pag-kikita, kung paano ako nagmakaawa at ang mga buwang nagdaan, kung paanong hinagpis ang mga pinagdaanan para lamang pigilan ang sarili ko na magmaka-awa ulit sa kanya.

"Ugh. Di ako makahinga. Let go."

Lumuwag ang pagkakahawak niya sakin ngunit hindi niya ito tuluyang inalis. Aalis na sana ako ngunit noong sinubukan ko ay hindi ako makawala sa mga bisig niya. Paano niya nagagawa yun? Maluwag ngunit mahigpit. Paginhawain at pabigatin ang damdamin ko ng pareho at eksaktong oras?

"Please Stay." bulong niya.

Hindi iyon utos. O tanong. Alam ko ang tono na iyon. Alam na alam ko. Nakikiusap siya. Nagmamakaawa siya at nababasag ang puso ko. Ulit. Sa pangalawang pagkakataon.

Hindi ako nakakilos. Sumusuko nanaman ang puso ko. Tila nagpapaawa sa isip ko na makisama siya.

"Will you help me forget her? Please. Again?"

Six months ago, I was in this situation. Maraming nangyari at nagbago sa anim na buwan na iyon. Nandoon iyong pinakamasaya, malungkot at masakit na araw ng buhay ko. Akala ko rin natuto ako pero bakit ganito? Hindi ko alam kung anong kasalanan ng sarili ko? Bakit paulit-ulit ko siyang inilalagay sa kapamahakan? At kung bakit nakikipaglaro ako sa tadhana?

"You know what, I've never liked someone this much. I think I'm obsessed with you." he whispered while playing with my hair and drawing random lazy circles on my skin.

I don't know what to say so I chose not to open my mouth and just feel everything. I've been feeling this massive extraordinary thing that has been teasing me inside for how many months now. I think it started the day I knew the color of his eyes. It's the color of the sunset, a yellow that's almost fading to darkness. His eyes are deceiving, people say it's brown but when you look at it closely, you can see its true color. Amber. My favorite. His eyes are my favorites.

This thing inside me that I can't explain was just dwelling in my stomach at first, but little by little, as time goes by and I got to knew him deeper, the thing had been doing its work too and had been seeping and clutching on to my organs up to my heart. I don't understand it, then. Was it a virus? Am I dying?

"I think I need to see a doctor. My heart is abnormally aching like literally. Sometimes, I think it wants to explode." I seriously told him, one day.

But then he laughed and looked really happy. And I was furious because how could someone be this happy while someone's in pain? How could someone laugh when someone's dying inside? How could the earth still continuously move to its orbit when someone's world has frozen and stopped? Aren't you a little unfair, life? Why wouldn't you mourn with me? Why is my heart crying by the sound of his playful laugh?

"You're just in love, A. With me." He said so sweetly, I almost tasted sugar with his words if only I wasn't so shocked. Is this love? Is this what it feels like to be in love? Like your heart is wearing a tickling bomb necklace ready to explode anytime but still chose to wear it anyway? Like you're soaring high in a heaven of good feelings not knowing when your wings are gonna stop working but trusting it anyway with your whole life? Is this love? But I was just 18. I'm not ready for this. I didn't sign up for this.

"Your perception of love, A, is very shallow and superficial. Love knows no age, baby girl. You can't always be ready for it, you just have to trust your own heart and the whole universe. Love will hurt you, yes, in the most unexpected time but it will teach you lessons and will make you stronger. Love will change you, either for the better or for the worst and it's your choice which one of the two. But one thing is for sure, true love is timeless. And when it knocks on your heart, you can't turn your back and say no to it." He explained like he knows what I am thinking while deeply looking straight in my eyes or my soul, even. Is he trying to melt all my worries? Because I think it's working.

He, then, held my cheeks in between of his hands. His face was just inches away and I can already feel his breath. I closed my eyes knowing he'd kiss me. I waited.. and waited but the kiss didn't arrive. So I opened my eyes and I was stunned by how beautiful his half smile was.

"Come on, A. I won't kiss you until you say yes." Damn this boy. I want a kiss. I want his kisses right now. I want to kiss him forever, for the rest of my life. And so I did.

"I love you." I said between kisses.

"I love you too." He breathed.

“Okay lang naman na awayin mo ako palagi. Pero, mahal, bigyan mo naman ako ng valid reason.”

Ito nanaman tayo, isang gabi nanaman na puno ng away. Pangalawang gabi, pangatlong gabi, pang-apat, pang-lima… Ilang gabi na ba tayong ganito? Pero imbis na mainis, lalo akong nahuhulog sayo. Hindi na nga yata hulog itong nangyayari, binabaon mo na ako sa lupa ng pag-ibig mo.

“Hindi pa ba valid ‘to? Ano bang valid para sayo?”

Gustong-gusto ko talaga ‘pag nagsusungit ka, ibang klase, bakit ako kinikilig kahit na nag-aaway tayo? Bakit ako tuwang-tuwa sa itsura mong mukhang pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa? Bakit hindi ko mapigilang tumawa ng dahil sa kakaibang pakiramdam na ibinibigay mo sakin kahit na namumula ka na sa inis?

“Stop laughing, Ulan. Walang nakakatawa. Hindi ako natutuwa.” Siguro dahil sa ating dalawa, ikaw ang ‘tila babae at ako naman ang ‘tila lalaki. 

“Okay fine, sorry. I’m sorry for not getting mad kasi nag-text sayo yung ex mo. I’m sorry kasi di ako nagseselos. Mahal kita, mahal mo ko. May tiwala ako sa nararamdaman natin sa isa’t-isa. Hindi ‘to ordinaryong love na makikita mo sa tabi-tabi, mapapanood sa tv o mababasa sa libro, iba ‘to. This is real; this is the kind of love na hindi mo pwedeng sukuan, takbuhan o talikuran. Ito yung klase ng pagmamahal na hindi lang kakapit sa puso mo, aalis at mag-iiwan ng ala-ala, ito yung hanggang pagtulog mo yayakapin ka, bawat hakbang ng paa mo nakakapit sayo at kahit saan man lumipad ang isip mo dala dala mo. Isa itong pag-ibig na tatatak sa buong pag-katao at kaluluwa mo, hindi lang sa puso. Ano dudugtungan ko pa ba o magpapayakap ka na?”

Hinila mo ako at buong akala ko babalutin mo ako ng mga bisig mo, pero sinalubong mo ako ng mga halik. Hindi ko nanaman maintindihan , nandito nanaman ang mga higanteng paru-paro sa loob ng tiyan.

“Damn woman! You and your way with words.”

Ganyan naman palagi, inaaway mo na lang yata ako para lambingin kita. Pero ayos lang, bawing-bawi naman ako sa mga ngiti mo palang, sobra-sobra pa nga dahil sa mga yakap mo. Kaya sige, mahal, awayin mo ko. Awayin mo ko, hanggang sa pumuti ang buhok natin. Awayin mo lang ako kahit sa pinaka-walang kwentang bagay. Awayin mo ako kasi medyo nahuli ako ng pagte-text sayo, o dahil ni-like ko yung litrato ng katrabaho ko. Hindi ko na kailangan ng valid reason, you alone, are valid enough. Kaya sige, awayin mo ako at lalambingin kita pagkatapos. Awayin mo lang ako, okay lang, dahil alam kong hindi kayang wasakin ng kahit ano mang away itong bagay na may’ron tayo.

“I know. You are one lucky guy.”

Niyakap mo ako patalikod… at sinabi mong gusto mo ako, gustong gusto. Sabi ko "Weeeh, crush na kaya kita simula first year pa lang hangang second year, third year, fourth year... hanggang ngayon." Tapos nagulat ako, kasi sabi mo "Ako rin naman gusto na kita kahit noon pa." Sabay yakap ng mahigpit. Yung higpit na ayaw mo akong makawala ngunit ayaw mo rin akong masakal at bigyan ng rason para kumawala.

Tumawa ako para itago yung kilig na nililikha mo sa buong sistema ko. Tumawa ako para pagtakpan itong nararamdaman ko. Hindi ako naniwala, ayokong maniwala. Kaya tumawa nalang ako para hindi mo makita yung takot sa puso ko. Sabi ko "Weeeh sus mukha mo, hindi ako naniniwala sayo." Pero ang totoo gusto kong maniwala, ang sarap kaya ng mga sinasabi mo. Parang hinehele ang puso ko sa bawat salitang nilalabas ng labi mo. Niyayakap at inaalo ang pagkatao ko ng mga espiritu ng bawat pangungusap mo. Ibang klaseng pakiramdam, nahihilo ako sa sarap na idinudulot nito. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam kapag natutupad ang matagal ng inaasam. Kaya ito, gustong gusto ko ng sumuko, maniwala at magpasakop nalang sayo pero hindi pa dapat, hindi pa sapat ang mga salita, kailangan ko ng aksyon. Kailangan kong makita at maramdaman. Pero pinagtataksilan ako ng puso ko kasi nararamdaman kong totoo ang mga sinasabi mo. Pinagtataksilan ako ng mga mata ko kasi nakikita ko ang sinsiridad mo. Pinagtataksilan ako ng utak ko dahil nilulusaw nito lahat ng takot sa puso ko. Kaya ano pa nga ba, ang sabi nila sundin mo raw dapat ang puso dahil doon ka tunay na sasaya at papayapa. Kaya ito napaniwala mo na ako. Oo na, naniniwala na ako. Sumusuko na ako. At nagpapasakop na sa iyo.

Ngumiti ka nung sinabi kong "Oo na, sige na naniniwala na. Pero mas gusto pa rin kita." Ngumuso ka habang pinipigilan yung gustong gusto kong ngiti mo. Sinabuyan mo ang mukha ko ng tubig at sabi mo "mas gusto kita. Sobra." At sa pangalawang pagkakataon tumawa ako pero hindi na tawa ng pagtatago, tumawa ako dahil naniniwala ako. Tumawa ako dahil sa mga paru-parong nagra-rally sa tiyan ko. Tumawa ako dahil ang saya saya ko.

Ang saya kasi dati pangarap ko lang ‘tong ganito. Ang saya kasi dati sumpa para sa akin ang mag hugas ng plato, pero nandito ka sa tabi ko. Bakit ganon, parang langit ang dating delubyo? Ang saya kasi yung ngiti mo na sa malayo ko lang tinatanaw at sa iba mo binibigay, ngayon nandito na sa harap ko, abot kamay at para sakin. Sa akin. 

Ang saya, ang saya talaga. Kaso isang pitik ng daliri, parang bula, naglaho ang lahat. Isa lang palang panaginip. Akala ko ito na, akala ko tayo na.  Akala ko isa na rin ako sa mga magpapahayag ng isang dream come true-ng lovestory.

How are you doing? I assumed you have already graduated from college? If you haven’t yet, then I’m going to time travel just to kick your lazy ass, real hard. Anyway, I assumed that because I’ve been working really hard right now. I’m losing (sacrificing) hours and hours and hours of sleep, just to pass all these classes for you. I’m struggling right now, so I could give you the good life I’ve wanted you to live. You know, like those parents who work so hard just to give their children good futures. And I’m the mother and you are my child. This truly makes me feel more grateful to my parents, because I, somehow, know what they feel and it’s tough. Plus, the frustrations because I know no hard works from now can actually guarantee you a good life; after all, it’s all on you. This is about you. I’ve started and did, doing and still doing my part now, but you need, and should continue it. It doesn’t stop. Life doesn’t stop.

I’m not pressuring you (though it sounds like it), I really am not. I understand, and even if I don’t, I will try to understand. If you haven’t got your life together yet, it’s okay. You can figure things out. You can work on it, little by little, piece by piece. And eventually, surely, you’ll find it, like how I’ve learnt to love myself, like how I’ve clung on my skin until I’m comfortable with it. I want you to remember how hard it was and how I did it. I want you to always look back to these moments.

I have read a lot of articles of how being in your 20’s will be the best part of your life. I think it’s true. You’re young yet considered as an adult. That jingles awesomeness and coolness, in my opinion. I may be wrong; maybe it’s not that awesome. Maybe it’s tougher than what I am going through right now, maybe you’re there crawling your way out of it. But remember, you still have a lot of years to figure things out. Slow down, honey. And look at the beauty of your surroundings.

But you know what? I can’t wait to be you. I’ve made a lot of scenarios inside my head what your life will be like. And everything I’ve imagined was so ideal and fun. Kind of contradictory of what life is right now. I’m not saying that now is awful and ugly. It’s just that I crave a lot of things I still can’t have, things I badly want but can’t have because this isn’t the right time yet. And right time means your time. So please, hun, do me a favor, live my dreams. Promise me to live it for me.

Travel. And explore the Philippines. Every island, every province, familiarize every Filipino languages. Open your eyes and heart. Expand your perceptions; make your mind broader on how you see things. Make your world bigger by making friends in different cities and provinces around and every edge of your own country. Eat food you’ve never eaten, every exotic food the place can offer. Make memories, learn and leave a piece of your heart to every place your feet will set in.

Be independent. Rent your own apartment and live alone. So you can do your weird things without the judgement of other people. So you can walk naked without a single care if anyone’s looking at your belly fats. Be financially independent that you can spoil yourself with things. But no matter how independent you are, always have time for your loved ones. Always look back where you’re from, remember those people who’ve helped you reach the dreams you are living now. It’s time to return the favor now. Be financially stable enough, you won’t ask your parents and family any help instead you will be the one who’ll help and spoil them with love and things you know they deserve.

Read. Do you still think about all the lives you haven’t lived yet? All the worlds you haven’t experienced yet? I hope you still do. I know life can sometimes be demanding of your time, sometimes you’ll find yourself too caught up with everything that’s been going on. But, please, please, don’t let life make you lose this passion. I love reading, and I wish and hope that you still do. And now that you’ve got the money, unlike me who still needs to starve myself for a week just to save money for books, keep buying. Keep collecting. 28-year old Arieh will thank you later for this. A home library, remember?

Live in the moment. I know that life has its ups and downs. It’s not always sweet and sometimes the bitter and ugly days tend to stay longer than the former, than its supposed to be. But still, live, A, live your life like it’s gonna be your last day. And it’s true what they say, happiness is a choice. Always choose happiness and stop romanticizing your sadness. Laugh every chance you get. Even if there is no chance, then you gotta make your own. Laugh at life, even if you’re the one’s laughable. Laugh with it. Do not mind people calling you crazy. Because the girl they call crazy is happy and living her life to the fullest. So, be crazy, hun… be crazily in love with life.

Stay focus. Unfortunately, life doesn’t stop at your age. How awesome it would be to stay 23 years old forever, right? But it doesn’t no matter how much you want it, there’s going to be 28-year old Arieh… 32-year old Arieh… and so on and so forth. Life will continue whether we like it or not, it’s kind of comforting and distressing at the same time, really. It never stop at a certain age, unless the Lord decided that it’s time to go back to heaven, so don’t lose your focus. Live at the moment but never ever stop your focus and lose your goals. There’s going to be plenty of years to do your things, yes, however, you need to do your duty, you need to pursue your dreams and you need to reach your goals.

Love. This isn’t just about having a love-life or having a boyfriend. What I mean by love is a broad love which is everyone and everything is involved. It’s about your relationship with your family or with your friends. Even with the nature. You need to spread love to get loved. And you should always start with God, and then with life, and eventually when you catch yourself loving God and life, you’ll see yourself loving the ugly, the flaws and the noise of this world too. Love easily, hun, take a risk. You may get hurt in the process but that will make you stronger. That’s what I learnt from this young age, remember? You are stronger now because I’ve loved someone/something I shouldn’t have.

Meditate. This is the most important of all. This is where love and wisdom came from, where your strength came from. Keep the fire burning in your heart. Seek the Lord, deeper and deeper. Meditate and pray, not every chance you get but every day. Be thankful every minute and every second. Always remember, Arieh, we deserve nothing and yet He gave us everything we ever needed and wanted.

If you are reading this right now, I pray and hope that you are living as happy and contented as I imagined you would be. You are beautiful, no matter what. Life may throw you many rocks along the way but I’m sure you know what to do and how to respond. I love you, A, so much. But not even close to how much love God has for you.

Before November ends, I want to share the songs I’ve been listening to lately. Some were just discovered on Spotify and some were old songs I stumbled upon my old playlist.