I’ve had a really difficult day. This entire year so far has felt like being at a crossroads where I can either choose to live or choose to die and either way the choice is deeply final and I can never turn back. Everything is really confusing and scary and I feel so ashamed all of the time but I am trying to let myself feel everything without abusing my body either to cope with the extremity or to suppress anything that might slip through the cracks in the white noise. People try to love and help me and I wish I could let them but I would honestly prefer to push everyone away so that it hurts less for them when I eventually vanish off the face of the planet. I’m very tired 🌀