love, aj

Your eyes still soften when they look at me. And I can still hear echoes of you calling me baby. If I close my eyes, I’m back in your arms. You’re holding me tight, one hand holding my waist, the other interlaced with mine. Our bodies still remember how to fit together. And our mouths still remember the rhythm to move in. These things we’ll probably never forget. But I guess I’ll have to settle for the memory of a feeling.

And I was waiting for you to kiss me. It was 3am and we had come stumbling in from the one too many drinks we had on a boat. And all that I wanted was for you to kiss me. To take me against the wall. To slide your hands up and down my waist. But not just, I wanted you to look at me, and tell me you loved me. I wanted you to choose me. To love me. But the sun came up. And you chose someone else. And that’s quite alright. It’s quite okay. Maybe in a parallel universe, you would have chosen me everyday.

I know I said I’d stop writing about you and I have. I’ve moved on. I’m happy. I’m taking care of myself and putting myself first. But it’s been a year since that day and I had to write about it. So much has changed since then. The world has turned upside down and I don’t recognise any of it. A year ago, we had one too many vodka lemonades and threw our cares out of the window. We were running around making the most out of the night. And when you kissed me it felt like everything stopped and we were the only two people there. Your hands gripped my waist and my hands snaked around your neck and I was kissing you like my life depended on it. And when we were leaving we ran out of the club with our jackets and took an hour to get home because we were in the middle of nowhere. And when we got to mine, and we started slow dancing I never wanted to be anywhere else but here. You kissed me again and this time almost nothing could’ve stopped us. You kissed me hard and my hands were gripping your hoodie begging you closer to me as if that was humanly possible. But there was a moment. Mac Miller was singing in the background and you looked at me like I was the only thing that mattered. And when our lips met again, they met differently. They met softer. And softer. And I’ve been chasing that same feeling ever since. It’s been a year now, we don’t talk anymore and I know it’s for the best. It was only because we were drunk and it was only because we were sad. But god I would’ve done anything for you. I liked you so much it didn’t matter that you didn’t like me back. It didn’t matter that you only did it because you were drunk. It still doesn’t. I’m happy now. I do miss you, but not like that.

I had never been kissed so softly before. Your hands were rubbing up and down my body. But your lips were so soft against mine. You weren’t trying to get me out of my clothes. All the other boys had kissed me so they could get me into bed. But you were just kissing me.