m. kell

I haven't done this in months, but I gathered all of them up from their places in my home and laid them out in an intuitive crystal grid arrangement.

I still cried immediately after he told me this, of course. My emotional waters run very deep. But no matter how sensitive a human I am, I can think of few things more heart-breaking than another fellow human being so misused at such a vulnerable point of their lives. I cried for the small child whose boundaries were crossed before knowing why or how to draw them; I cried for the dark years of disconnect he told me he experienced growing up; I cried for the now-illuminated divide between his and my understanding of what sexual intimacy meant and could be. Learning the reason why our relationship had been sexless for a year was a relief, but knowing the reason was devastating.

When we first began dating, he made it 100% clear that his studies were his number one priority. He had taken a long and meandering route to get to college and was two semesters away from finishing his bachelor’s degree in chemistry. At 32, he was eager to complete his education and put it to good use. During the last year of his undergrad, he was attending school full-time, working full-time, volunteering part-time, and doing lab research. He was an honors student, had an almost perfect GPA, and would eventually get the distinguished senior award for his entire college.

And he accomplished all this while seeing me. It was very casual for the first couple months - inviting him along to bar trivia nights, carpooling to a friend’s house party. The first time we went out just the two of us I agonized for hours over what to wear, trying to be alluring without alienating him; he complimented my perfume almost immediately. The second time we went out I was mortified that the the restaurant we were meeting at was too romantic, with flowers and candles; he could not stop talking about how good the food had been.

Dating him was easy. Being required to casually date was easy, too. After a string of failed long-term relationships, I was interested in some uncommitted dating of my own. After reconnecting with an old college friend who was in an open relationship, I experimented with polyamory for the first time in my life. I played the field in the traditional sense, the way my mom did in the 1970’s - meeting a lot of different interesting cuties, seeing what turned me on and why, getting to know myself as much as I got to know my dates. And, of course, enjoying some sexual liberation. Sex positivity became a core part of my being.

When we first kissed on my birthday, I was so sure fantastic sex between us was imminent. But it wasn’t. At best he seemed disinterested in fooling around, and at worst I was convinced he was frightened of it. I was so used to embracing my sexual freedom, I assumed that everyone else was embracing that for themselves too. As the months of incredible connection but no sex continued, I became obsessed with the idea of consummating our relationship, of fucking, of making love.

We continued to date and not have sex for months. I focused on getting to know him in the ways that were accessible to me. I told myself this was another way to date casually, that we could learn a lot about each other without getting naked. And we did! Within a few months I was interested in only him. I realized he was the most compelling person I had ever met. I was fine operating within his comfort zone, even if I didn’t know why the boundaries were drawn where they were.

Despite this acceptance, I was also deeply anxious about it. All I wanted was to be made aware of what was going on in his head, not force him to change his behavior. By this point, I had been speculating endlessly about why we hadn’t had sex yet - was he actually gay? Was he asexual but couldn't admit it? Was he waiting for marriage? Was there some other person he was fucking that wasn’t me?

After months of agonizing and trying to read his mind, I finally asked him about it. He shared his answer with me so plainly. It bears repeating - knowing this answer was devastating. But it was a truthful answer, one I had needed to know. Learning this secret about this man, who I was falling in love with, changed my attitude. As quickly as I grew confidence about free sexual expression, I realized I needed to amend my understanding of “sex positivity.”

Being sex-positive takes a different turn when a person doesn’t want to have sex - and a person may not want to have sex for a wide range of reasons. Being sex-positive is just as much about supporting sexual experiences with as many trusted partners as a person desires as it is about accepting abstinence or sex inactivity with grace and love.

The sex positive community frequently discuss how to enjoy having sex - but how do we enjoy not having sex? The answer is different for every person, but the answer is just as varied for this question as it is for the other.

I feel like I am underperforming at work

I still am so lost at my new job

My internet service has been inconsistent for MONTHS

The four returns I still have to do

My messy-ass roommate who I feel like I am constantly cleaning up after

THAT I AM STILL STRUGGLING WITH A CONSISTENT SLEEP SCHEDULE

THAT I AM STILL STRUGGLING WITH A CONSISTENT HEALTHY DIET

The tires on my car are underinflated and I just keep not fixing it

(a prayer)

I am my own true love.

I am everything I need.

I have no reason for self-doubt.

I am without self-loathing.