Mizu's Digital Sketchbook

[Possible trigger warnings about emotional abuse and self deprecation.]

I was 10 when this episode aired. In the 25 years since then, I have watched it countless times, especially when I felt lost. If Ken could find himself, then so could I. After all, looking at Ken felt like looking in a mirror. 

"Mom and Dad are always paying more attention to Sam than to me. I know they love him more because he's smarter than me."

Unlike Ken's brother, my older brother didn’t pass away. Though, I still felt the shadow of my brother's accomplishments loom over me as he found success after success in his life. Our mother was as short sighted as Ken’s parents, reveling in the pride of being the parent of an intelligent child and forgetting that a child is still a child and should be allowed to live as such.

“Your gentleness and kindness will be overpowered by those who are evil... Never forget who you are, Ken.”

Though unlike Ken's parents, my mother held my shortcomings over me, blamed me for her own choices and shortcomings that I had no control over, and unintentionally showed favoritism of my older brother.

"I don't know which one of these DigiEggs is Wormmon's. Just like how I don't remember who I am or where I'm from..."

With such external forces, I forgot who I was. Instead, I felt compelled to become someone I was not. I was repetitively blamed for things out of my control which reinforced the idea that I was at fault for anything and everything.

I deeply related to Ken's guilt, shame, and loss of self.

But I have to move on.

“I’ve got to move on my life. I promise to concentrate on the good things in the past, not the evil. I’ll use my memories of Sam and of Wormmon to make me stronger.”

I’m never going to to get my childhood back. It was rough and I would never wish any child to experience similar. Despite my childhood, I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. So, like Ken, I will use the past and make myself stronger.

“Mama… I’ll give you that second chance… if I can have one.”

I’m working on my second chance 25 years later with my mother. It’s been a long road, with lots of ups and downs, potholes, and switchbacks. But... I know when the road ends, I’ll look back and be proud of how far I’ve come.

For everyone who had a rough childhood, you will heal. Believe you will. It will be hard and there will be pitfalls and steps backwards, but they will be matched with sprints forward and companions to join you on your adventure.

Be kind to yourself. You will find your heart. And when you do, hold it close and stay true to it.