imposter syndrome

Rui should have thought this man looked cool. If he’d met him on any other day, maybe; he looked really sad, somehow, but strong. There was something about the way he carried himself that Rui kind of found himself… idolizing, maybe. He wasn’t sure what the feeling was, really – primarily because… because he…

Rui didn’t know why, but everything from the sound of this man’s voice to his appearance absolutely terrified him. He’d frozen in his tracks, his legs feeling weaker than ever, unable to bring himself to pull his gaze away for fear he’d be… he’d be what? Stricken down where he stood? Why did he think that?

“U-um…”

“… I–think I’ll be alright. I don’t – I don’t need you to do that.”

Oh boy. He sounded a lot more terrified than he’d been hoping. His voice had cracked and everything. The gnawing fear in his gut wasn’t going away, either.

“… have… we met before?” The city was weird, sure, but he regretted the question the moment he asked it. Rui shook his head quickly. “Never mind. It’s not important, I don’t think.”

          The boy’s question was quickly answered by himself, and Giyuu thought the same, he was bad remembering people but he didn’t recall meeting with him before. 

          He was rejected, which wasn’t too much of a surprise. Perhaps he had used the wrong words, making him look suspicious...Oh, that’s right, he’s carrying a katana with him, a grown man with a weapon offering to take you home doesn’t sound like someone who will keep you safe, which maybe had created a misunderstanding of Giyuu’s intention.

          Maybe, maybe if he tried...

          He places his hand on the blade, to drag the attention of the kid towards it. ❝ This won’t harm you, this is only for...❞  He hesitated before saying the following word. ❝...demons. If I were to use this around you...it would only be to protect you.❞ 

           He saw him but tried to convince himself he would be okay, but there was still that nagging thought insisting in offering his help. Giyuu was strong and healthy and the kid he saw seemed the complete opposite. Was he aware of the dangers he could face walking around like that in such a big place? Was he aware of how weak he looked? The thought made a feeling of disgust arise within him, it wasn’t because of the child, but because of the remembrance of how useless and fragile he was around that age.

                                                   ››› @mizukata​

after he’d found himself in a room he didn’t recognize, following the steps down into some kind of shop ( —it smelled strongly, and what it smelled like only gave him a headache with how achingly familiar it smelled to the kind he knew two millennia ago, ) he spent the good part of twenty minutes going through everything - tearing open the bags, shattering the glasses, knocking over the chairs. he only stops when he hears the chime of the bell of someone else entering the shop, and clicks his tongue that he was interrupted.

he uses one of the stools behind the counter to step up onto, before stepping onto the counter itself and onto the other side so he can better approach him. he doesn’t recognize this person, although - he seems to know who he is? is that familiarity? he almost forgets about the mess he made in the shop, but doesn’t hesitate when he gets into what surely can only be his personal space.

“Pardon the mess.” laced in a way that suggests he must only be mocking it; he presses a finger to his chest lightly, leaning in so he may better be listened to, “I couldn’t stand the sight of it all.”

but he also wants to know how he seems to recognize sandalphon. so his hand opens, single finger against the chest met with the others, and he grasps onto his shirt so he can’t move away.

“Tell me who you are.”

          As usual, Giyuu gives himself the time to go to work minutes before his actual what indicates in his schedule. He likes to be on time, and in such a boisterous city he can always expect for something to get in his way, so it’s better to avoid that. Once he arrives to the location, he places his hand on the knob to open the door, eyes widening after the sound of crashing glass. “Sandalphon!” was the thought that impulsed him to make a sudden entrance into the shop, only to find the ruins of what once felt like a warm home. Who could have done something like that?

          Was he...sad? Angry? Giyuu wasn’t good recognizing his own feelings, the shock was still clouding his mind, thinking straight at that moment seemed impossible.

          As he walks glancing at the mess around him, he meets with someone, someone who for a second made him feel a slight feeling of relief, little did he know he was falling into a deceiving trap. Blue orbs land on a man who declared himself guilty for that chaos, but also a man who looked just like Sandalphon.

          In Giyuu’s eyes he was still his boss, the man who introduced him to a sensation of freedom and peace, away from the misery he’s so used to feel. Nothing made sense, why would his boss, the owner of the store do such a thing to something he treasured so dearly? 

          ❝ W-What do you mean?❞ The water pillar says with a small voice.

When? What? Huh? What was he talking about? This guy had really looked like he’d been mulling over the question for a long time, only to end up giving Mitsuba some kind of short, cryptic response instead of the essay or whatever that it looked like he’d been preparing for. Mitsuba raised his sleeve to his mouth in thought for a second.

“Uhh.”

“Like… literally ever? People die all the time, I guess, but I meant like. Recently? You just look kinda – dead inside yourself, y’know? Aren’t employees always told they’re supposed to fake a smile or something?”

Weird guy. To prove his point, though, Mitsuba made himself break out in a wide smile, looking as radiant as anything, but boy if it wasn’t an absolutely fake smile. Even if he couldn’t remember any of it, seemed like he still was suspiciously good at acting like a nice, docile kid.

“Like this, see? That way no one’ll be like, ‘boy, that guy’s about to start crying into my coffee, I want a refund’.”

          Recently? He thought about time frames, what was labeled as “recently”. He couldn’t even remember how time worked from his world and this one, but he only knew he had actually been in a state of grief for quiet long.  ❝Um...maybe? Maybe not, I’m not sure. Sorry if this information necessary for you?❞

          The boy made a remark on the  requirements of employees but he couldn’t recall his boss every saying something like that. ❝Sandalphon...He has never commented anything about my smile...I don’t smile very often, I think he’s okay with that.❞

          This kid was just throwing words at him that were forcing him to start an actual conversation, he didn’t like that. He enjoyed working there, but he was more functional when people didn’t talk to him, that way he could just focus on his duties without any distraction and be useful to Sandalphon. 

@mizukata​  ( s.c. )

     A bottle of ‘Radune’ soda rested on his right palm as he curiously turned it around trying to search where exactly you’re supposed to open it. Was it this… weird texture it had on the top? He already wasted like fifteen minutes of that poor cashier since the moment he entered, asked ‘something sweet to drink’ and proceeded to get an explanation for every single thing you could get at those convenience stores and how to pay with the glowing tablet they gave him. Yoriichi was kind of… ashamed to go back in and ask how you were supposed to open this thing but he had been trying to figure it out for like five minutes…

          It was probably none of his business, but sitting from the opposite side he couldn’t help but stare a man who seemed to have some kind of trouble with an item he had purchased from the same convenience store where Giyuu got his green tea. At the beginning he didn’t care enough to approach him and do something, but five minutes had passed and it started to become...like something that would happen to him. The water pillar put his drink away to walk towards the man. It was an awkward scene, a man standing next to a stranger without saying anything, it took him a while to get his ideas in order, deciding what to say to him. 

is - no, maybe sandalphon’s mistaken. he almost feels as if giyuu’s attitude changed. maybe he’s just acting as he normally does. maybe sandalphon is interpreting it wrong. it wouldn’t be the first time, and he’s a little reluctant to ask. that might be putting him on the spot, and he doesn’t want to push for something giyuu might not want to say.

when he brings up him not being human, sandalphon is a little surprised. he’s.. not used, even now, even after a year, to people — what is it? realizing he’s not human? not knowing he’s an archangel? it’s not surprising, if he thinks about it, but it still elicits the reaction from him. of course giyuu wouldn’t know. he’s not from the skydoms.

“That is correct, I’m not human.” would that change anything? he doesn’t want to ask this, either. “And, yes, Lucifer-sama is not human either.” skydwellers seemed to understand quickly, without him having to talk about it — but he doesn’t want to just let giyuu follow along without answering more questions he may have. “Specifically, we are both Primarchs. In our world, these are akin to archangels — though the more common term people tend to use for us is ‘Primal Beasts.’” there really are a lot of ways to describe them. “Lucifer-sama is older than I am, but I was one of the first brought to creation. I am a great deal older than my appearance suggests.” 

          It was an assumption, he just could tell by the time he had spent with him that something beyond the human world wrapped his being. There’s confirmation from his part, but Giyuu doesn’t even acknowledge his own success in being right about it. 

          It really didn’t change anything.

          After Sandalphon’s explanation, the water pillar notices his way of speak and the words he uses. Archangels, creation, beasts, everything was so unknown to him, unreachable to a simple human like him. It was...like he would never fit in. 

          ❝ Archangels...❞ He repeats with a small and soft voice. If Lucifer was able to create something so ethereal like Sandalphon himself, Giyuu wondered, how would his companion feel if he ever found out that the only thing he is able to do is to destroy, to turn flesh into ashes, and to return those who had been cursed to hell ( where he firmly believed they belonged ). 

          Will those gentle crimson eyes look at him with disgust if he knows about it?

when words break the silence, sandalphon doesn’t take a seconds pause before answering; it’s easy enough to, “Ah. Lucifer-sama?” he’s the only one that fits that description, at least. he sets his items down, looking up thoughtfully. does he wish to meet him? maybe he’s interested in speaking to him…

“Yes, he.. does come here rather frequently.” glancing back down, he looks over to giyuu. “Do you want to know something about him specifically? … well, to start with, he’s actually…” —this feels strange, for some reason. talking to giyuu isn’t difficult for him, and the topic isn’t unwelcome, but even so.. somehow, he wants to be careful. “Lucifer-sama is my creator.” he tries not to be so curt, and his tone doesn’t betray anything; he holds a genuine fondness for him. “He introduced coffee to me. When I first tried it… it wasn’t very good, if I’m being honest. And if I remember correctly, I even likened it to ‘mud water.’ .. but I grew a taste for it, after all.” 

          Does he? Does he want to know something about him? Unaware of his intentions, he just allowed his words to break into Sandalphon’s life. At this point he didn’t know much about his boss, he knew his nature wasn’t human and even so it didn’t change the fact that his words had been kinder than any other he had met, he knew his steps were light and delicate like he didn’t belong in this world and he knew the seas within him would always roughen at the sight of him.

          “Creator”, he said, leaving Giyuu with more questions, but the pillar is reluctant to ask. 

          All he could tell from the information he collected was that there was certain closeness between them, and if he had introduced Sandalphon to something that makes him so passionate about he must be a great person. 

          ❝ I see.❞

          Giyuu is quiet, he doesn’t know what words to choose next. His mind is fighting something it had never bothered him before, the awareness of distance he had with someone, a longing he had never experienced before, subtle and hidden under the dense fog of his mind, heavy and blinding him, the clueless man can’t recognize the feelings. 

          He didn’t remember much of the woman who brought him to this world, but he did remember the woman who saved him from their world. Her big sister took care of him for the entire of his childhood, she fed him, dressed him, and comforted him in moments of distress and eventually gave up her life for Giyuu to survive. 

          Nobody asked her to do it, it wasn’t her job, but she did it anyway. 

          @mizukata​​.

Truthfully, Mitsuba felt a little out of his element.

He kept having to remind himself that he’d definitely, absolutely, been through worse, and all things considered, ‘out of his element working in a coffee shop’ was a much better alternative than ‘out of his element suddenly having to do Important Supernatural Things while battling identity issues among other traumatizing events’. So, comparatively, you know.

All – all he had to do was get into the swing of things and he’d be fine! Plus, the money and some sort of schedule would be nice. He… could be normal!

“Right. Okay. You’ve got this, Mitsuba.”

… and he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. Maybe – maybe none of his new coworkers were around to have heard it. Mitsuba gave a glance ar–never mind. Never mind. One of the other baristas had been standing almost right beside him, and with some sort of weird “bwgheh!” sound, Mitsuba had hopped back.

“… whoa…”

Boy, he looked, uh… scary miserable.

“What’s with the long face? Someone die or something?”

          Though he had been there since the coffee shop had just opened, with just a couple of months it became surprisingly popular, not only almost 50% of the clients had became regulars, but also the staff member kept increasing significantly. The schedules for each one of them were organized them enough to not make the work time overwhelming for anyone, the only trouble that Giyuu had was remembering his coworkers’ face and names. ( That was always been one his social weaknesses.) 

          During his shift, a boy approached him to ask him a question vague enough to make him pause for a moment and think throughly about it. 

          Someone...no, many people had died. Did he really want to know about it? If he wanted to know a proper answer he would have to give him more detail about his inquire. 

          Words wanting to escape from his mouth ( unusual ) , but to avoid prying he contained them within him. There was silence between them, used to it he didn’t find it uncomfortable at all. The corner of his eyes caught the other, doing his usual chores in his coffee shop, just a few feet away from each other. The desire to speak out loud was making him a bit clumsy with his duties, stoping before he caused some trouble. ❝ Um...❞