solitude;

All your love is all I've ever known.

Back to square one nanaman ba ako? Hay. Why. Why. Why. Ang hirap pala ng ganito. Ang hirap na parang di ko nanaman nararamdaman na gusto mo 'kong magstay sa buhay mo. Why can't you just tell the fucking truth? I will get tired, eventually. I hope you could see my worth before I forced myself to just get out of this shit.

"Have you ever had that feeling- that you'd like to go to a whole different place and become a whole different self?" The quote that my favorite author, Haruki Murakami, lingers through my mind for quite some time now. I guess I had that feeling too. It's not that I don't want my life right now, I'm just simply tired. I am so tired of everything that's happening in my life. Whether it involves my personal problems, problems with love, family, friends, and everything that's in between. I don't have the energy, to keep this life as it is--plain boring, dull and not so full of adventures. All I have right now is anxiety, depression, stressful situations, and most of all, sadness. The type of sadness that even myself can't explain. I just feel like I have this deep hole inside of me that's needed to be fulfilled. I love my life, but I also hate it. It fucks me up over and over again, you know? Some time it's all about happiness and living your life to the fullest, but most of the time its loneliness and suicidal thoughts. I don't even know how to be geniunely happy anymore. I can't recall the time that I was dancing in the air happy. Sometimes I'll just stare at the sky and wish that I could become a whole different person. Maybe a guy who's the same age as mine and living in country miles away from here with a good sense of humor and a lit music taste; or maybe a girl that's innocent and talented that everyone loves. Who knows, how normal my life would be if I am not me. But, no. This is what God has given me. There are just times like this that I hate my life with passion that I really wanted to become a whole different version of myself in a whole different world, surrounded by a whole different people. Or, I just simply want to run away and never ever come back. I just wanted to go to a far place and find myself there. A place where no one knows my name or my story. A place where I can be a total stranger and not care about what everyone else thinks, because in the first place they don't even know me. A place where I can find peacefulness and clear my messy thoughts. I guess running away is what I always do, whenever life throws me something I can't handle. I am always running away, not all people can see that, especially those around me. I am always running away, not physically, but mentally. I am in my own thoughts. I ran away with them, and that's when I find myself slowly detaching and isolating from the world, and little by little enganging in my own world. I needed to be free, and I need to breathe. I don't know how I can handle this but I am slowly and surely know what I am up to. I need to be able to grasp the fact that I am not really myself this past few days--or even months, if i say so. This is just too much to handle and I wish all of these thoughts and emptiness could be vanished. But like the air, it simply cannot die. You couldn't simply wake up and all of those suffering would turn to ashes and you could be happy instantly--no. That's not how life works. That's not how life plays the game. This is how life plays the game; and whether it is unfair, it has always the cheat codes. You wake up one morning with the heaviness inside of you, and forever wishing that you could just lay forever. You are there--existing. Just existing. One moment you think you somehow have a good life but then suddenly life punches you in the face--not just once, but many times. Those punches is the experiences--the hurtful ones, the painful ones. And when life gave you that many pain, all you have to do is to fight back. To become stronger than you were before. To become wiser. But sometimes, when things get piled up, when you cannot take it all, when depression and sadness eats you up, all you can do is to sit there in silence, tears streaming down your face, and wishing there was a shot right through your head to end all of those suffering. At the end of the day, I don't really need to be happy. I know I will just fake it, but I'll be happy someday. I just need to survive. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. I will someday thank myself for fighting for today's problems to gain tommorow's strength. When all I can see is darkness and cloudy skies, I know, someday, that the wait will be all worth it, that when I finally surpass all of this, I will be able to see the rainbow and a beautiful sky, waving at me and congratulating me, saying; "You did it."

Maybe I'll stop. Maybe I'll stop assuming to the things you're doing to me and start thinking that you're just doing it as a friend. Maybe I'll stop overthinking and analyzing all the words that you've been saying and start thinking that it was plainly words--no hidden hints nor meanings. Maybe I'll stop catching your moves and the way you search for me in the crowd and start thinking that you're just doing it because you need something from me. Maybe I'll stop expecting that you and I could start over again and start thinking that if you really loved me you should've hold on. Maybe I'll stop waiting for your texts and calls saying that you want me back and start thinking of the times that I'm crying because of you. Maybe I'll stop holding on in hopes for you to realize that I'm the best thing that you've never had and start thinking that I can be the best thing that someone could had. Maybe, just maybe I'll stop loving you. I'll stop assuming, overthinking, catching, expecting, waiting and holding on to something that's not worthy of my love. I'll stop the things that hinders me to move forward and be happy again. Someday, when I'll stop having "maybe's" for you, Maybe I can find someone who will truly be worth it. Someone who wouldn't let me assume things because he will constantly remind me of how much he loves me. Someone who wouldn't let me overthink and analyze things because his words and actions totally show how important I am to him. Someone who would catch me when I am feeling down and wouldn't let me feel that I am alone in this battle. Someone who would expect me not to be the most beautiful girl in the world but the one who makes his world beautiful. Someone who would wait for me no matter how long it takes because he is sure that him and I would end up together. Someone who would hold me and never, ever let me go. He's gonna keep me because he knows that I am the kind of girl that's rare and the one he dreamed of marrying. And when I finally found him, I hope you'll see. I hope when I found the one who thinks that I am worthy to be loved and not to be hurt, I hope there's a regret in your heart that aches when you see us, happy together. And, I hope that when that time comes, you can finally say that I am the best thing that you could have, but never had.

Kailan kaya na ako naman yung masaya at ikaw naman yung nagdurusa?

Please, just make all the things fall in to their right places. I'm tired.

I can see in your eyes that you've already found your happiness. I'm so happy for you. You deserved to love and be loved in return. I guess time have gone by so fast, right? I hope you will always sleep with a smile. I hope she can fill you with so much love. I hope she can make you the happiest guy in this world. You deserved each other, you two can make a good match. I can clearly see the way you express love to one another, it's one of a kind. The love that you can't see, but you can feel. Are you happy now? I hope you are. You deserved to be happy. You deserved to be with the person that can make your world bright & colorful. You deserved to be with the person who fullfill your needs & happiness. You deserved to be loved by the person you love. If she loves you so much, please don't take her for granted. Never ever let her go. Whatever trials and problems you may have encounter, please have the courage to face it and save what's going on between the two of you. And, always remember that I'm here. Even if things between the two of us have ended, I will always be here for you. Even if we may not talk for months or even years-- if you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to send me a message. I will always be that one person that cares for you. I will be that person that will listen to you, whatever problems you may have encounter. I will always love you. I know, someday I can be happy too, but I know that someday is not today. I'm still mending the broken pieces of my heart. I'm still erasing the bad memories of the two of us together. I'm still learning to accept that we are'nt meant for each other. I'm still standing up to the place where you left me all alone, with a hole in my heart and tears in my eyes. I don't blame you, though. I didn't even feel any hatred, anger or bitterness on what you did to me. I should, they said. It's the most effective way to heal a broken heart, but it does'nt work for me. I think, seeing you happy and finding what you've been looking for-- even if it's not me, then I guess that's my most effective way in dealing with a broken heart. It's true, that when you truly love someone, you should let them go. You should have the courage to face the world without them by your side, because I think that's the best thing you could do to someone you geniunely love, and that is to let them wonder on their own. Let them be free and let them be happy, even if you're not there anymore, even if you're not the reason of their happiness. Thank you for the memories that we've shared together. Thank you for that little infinity that you've given to me. Thank you for making me feel alive and making me happy all the time that we are with each other. I'll treasure them forever, we'll be happy someday, soon. And if ever our path's have cross in the future, I will smile to you and you'll do the same too. Maybe, who knows, we can be the luckiest that can experience on what they called "second chance".