the martian

i shot her, "i just want to have a cabin. in the woods. if i can have it by the lake, it would be perfect. then i will have a canoe."

she was paused. i could not tell her face, i couldnt bear to look at her face whenever im mad. what i was angry to, i was never sure, though.

"in the WOODS?", she reassured herself.

"yeah. you know, it's perfect."

the silence was all over us. maybe she was digesting my answer. maybe i was thinking whether i should have answered differently.

she ever gave me that kind of silence once, though, when i was a little kid. an "i'm processing you" kind of silence. it was when she asked me what i want to do when i grow up, which i innocently replied: to build a school on the moon.

or maybe it was a silence every parent would bear to witnes their child turned into someone who would build a school on the moon, to someone who would just want a wood cabin. i would never know.

last time i went home for new year, we both walked to a nearby housing complex. it was adjacent to some pine tree hill like in the twilight movie. the clusters were so so and every one of them looked the same.

i pointed the pine tree hill high up above us, "i want one, there."

"there? on the pine woods?", asked her and replied to herself, "that's perfect."

then she added, "amen."

i pushed the pause button and looked at him, "everything will be okay, crow boy..."

"im not asking about that, but you. are you okay?"

i closed my eyes. my chest hurt a lot all day i couldnt say a word.

"hey, i was thinking about something.. that maybe you were my mother", said him, out of the blue.

"what?"

"in another universe, in another world."

i smiled hesitantly. boy, what a topic. i asked him politely, "and do you think that i would be a good mom?"

"nahhh!"

i laughed hard, "i think so, crow boy. what a topic!"

i tapped his shoulder, "i wanna be a dad, though," i said, my face was goddam serious.

"geez, stop saying these things. everybody is gonna make fun of it," he resented my hand.

"do you want me to be your dad?"

"i said stop it. you cant even plug the electricity without covering your eyes and ears. so stupid."

i pulled my pillow and threw it to his head. he laughed so hard as he won.

i closed my eyes again. playing video games for hours straight sure hurt your eyes. sigh, im getting old.

he grabbed my controller and slipped into my blanket, "shall we play til morning, dad?"