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All this time the only validation that matters to me is the one I'm saying to myself. Whether I look pretty, if I'm good enough, or if I'm proud of myself. No matter what people say, what I say about myself matters the most.

So I retweeted this and actually got good chuckles, until I decided to go through the replies. And then it hit me of how relatable others' experiences to mine. Especially these ones.

I found myself agreeing to each words they said. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful and blessed to have supportive and loving parents. But oh God it hurts so much not being able to return even just a bit of their love.

I remembered December last year as I was preparing for my graduation. My family was happy, especially my mom. She was excited preparing my clothes and the whole family outfit, even asking to have a family photo session in a studio. I could see my parents feeling proud, posting my photos online - even my sister post it too. And me? I was left with mixed feelings. But not proud, not even an ounce of it. Instead, I was filled with ball of anxiety.

"Ayah sama Ibu hanya minta kalian jadi anak sholeh. Terserah kalian mau kerja apa atau jadi apa, asalkan baik dan halal. Yang menjalani hidup kalian ya kalian, ayah dan ibu hanya bisa ngiringi doa."

Is what my parents always say to their children. They don't ask for a title, status, or certain number on salary. Some people may be jealous of me, but do they understand what it carries with? I can't stop feeling bad. I keep feeling useless, incapable, afraid of disappointing them, and afraid of being nothing. I keep thinking how I don't deserve them. I literally have nothing to be proud of. I am good for nothing.