Just Words

Dixie and her babies.

I’ve never had to articulate these words before till recently, but for anyone who’s been in the pits of depression or is in those pits at the moment, this could probably help you out. :)

I have a friend who shared what he was going through with me, and I gave him an honest response. Obviously something that worked for me might not work for you. This was the lowest low of my life so far, and what I offered him really changed my way of thinking about my depression.

I say “my” because regardless of what anyone tells you, it’s a part of you in any way you look at it or try to deal with it. Mind Body and Soul.

Talking to someone you genuinely trust in those moments, even when it’s hard as fuck to do is extremely helpful in two ways. They might not be able to help you if they haven’t been through it or aren’t trained or some shit, but the important thing is that you trust them. Talking gives you the chance to say the words out loud. Just hearing myself say the words made them seem smaller which cleared my headspace, which is number Two. I was able to think clearer and try to refocus and get a handle on some things.

After the wave had passed, I started to read and watch insightful podcasts; Not just to pass the time but really put emphasis on learn something, anything. I found a whole other rollercoaster to My Spirituality which also flourished but this isn’t about that lol, (if you have questions message me lol I’d love someone to share this knowledge with)

But I’ll close with this; I learned allot about how to handle my emotions and navagate the waters so much more effectively. I decided to meditate on the emotions that trigger my episodes and really try feeling what I feel in those moments. That’s when I truly found myself. I pushed through all the bullshit that was keeping me pinned and I asked myself really hard questions about who I am and who I was pretending to be. That shit hurt, but I learned allot about myself and I’m thankful for that.

There’s always someone there to listen and help. They’re just a whisper away.

"You're the one I like best, you retain my interest

You're the only one

If it wasn't for you, don't know what I'd do

Unpredictable like the sun and the rainfall

Things must change

We must rearrange them

Or we'll have to estrange them

All that I'm saying

The game's not worth playing

Over and over again"

July 4th, 2020 9:37pm

I've been lazy to post everything I wrote these days in my actual diary, and lately I've been busy in something I wanted to give to my best friend as a gift for her birthday, so I'll resume everything that happened these days and what happened today.

Long story short, these days I've been waking up too early because I felt like my dreams are cut off just to dream about the Twitter direct messages, I've been having the same dream for days: I look at the direct messages and I see you sent me something, sometimes it was that you were telling me you missed me badly, and sometimes it was like you were telling me something bad, like you didn't want to be with me. Then, I woke up, and I saw there was no message from you yet.

Then, I've been desperate about you not answering my messages, not even when the earthquake happened. I just wanted to know if you felt it too and if you were fine, but you didn't let me know that. I don't know what's happening, and I'm thinking about asking you even if I won't get any response from you. I don't know if you're not replying my messages because I made you upset, or because you're just avoiding communication with me because you don't want me to spoil my own progress or because you don't want to see you haven't progressed anything (even when it's all the way around, as I told you before), but I'm uncertain about us, and I need to know if you still love me and if you still want to be with me, because last time you told me you still wanted to be with me, but as I've been telling you, you should prove your words with actions, and your actions have been telling me you don't want to know anything about me and you don't want me to know about you. I don't know if you were true when you told me you still wanted to be with me, but as I see it, it looks like you aren't sure about it, and actually you don't want me with you. You just had to tell me so, you don't have to play with my feelings, because I still love you, and I still want to be with you, but it isn't fair that I'm still here hoping for something for us to happen when you don't want it as much as I do.

On June 23rd, our relationship turned three months old, and I suppose I may still remember that because I suppose we're still together.

Recently I've been listening to one of my favorite bands, Depeche Mode, specifically to their album called "A Broken Frame" from 1982, and I can't believe how related this album is to my life right now. Some songs talk about troubled relationships, other song talks about missing someone, another one talks about keeping the memories of a relationship (as a photograph of the other person), and I don't know, if I should listen to something else than Rio by Duran Duran (which every song makes me feel how colorful everything was when we started our relationship), then I'll have A Broken Frame by Depeche Mode (which relates to my life in these days).

About my anxiety problems, I feel like I'm getting better, my psychologist have told me I've been getting better, but the real test begins when you and I come back. I've been learning about interesting stuff.

And that's all that happened. My feelings for you haven't disappeared yet, but I'm waiting for your sign to keep it like that or just to stop feeling this way for you. At the end, everything depends on you (about my feelings, not the whole break nor our relationship), it's up to you to have me waiting for you or not. I hope you decide soon, or you just confirm we are still together, so it will be worthwhile to wait for you and to get better for you and me, and I hope you're doing fine.

I miss you, little V.