I donāt remember the day or even the month, but I remember the feeling vividly. I was wandering aimlessly, searching everything and nothing, then all of a sudden there it was. I couldnāt believe my eyes. The things they were saying were things Iād thought, things I wanted, things I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone. And here they were - men and women - talking about those feelings I had, one darker than the next, and giving it - all of it - a name.
Dominance and submission.
I started reading and couldnāt stop. I flitted from room to room, watching the conversations roll by, the experiences people shared with me and other anonymous faces behind a screen. They were open and honest and raw. I donāt know how much time passed before I took an effective breath, but with it came the realization that I was not alone. I was not a freak. What I wanted - no, what I needed - was something other people wanted and needed, as well.
That was 20 years ago. Now I look back and cringe quite often, but I wouldnāt trade those years for anything. I have a lot of āIf I knew then what I know nowā¦ā moments, but I wouldnāt go back and do it again, because you have to go through it to learn it. You just do. Because your track is different than the next personās, and to learn what you need to learn takes living it yourself.
So what does twenty years teach you? Here are some things Iāve learned:
Not everyone likes the spotlight; itās ok to live D/s very privately
Itās ok to make things like rope bondage and tickling hard limits; itās ok to make anything a hard limit
Dominants can use a safeword or otherwise stop an activity
You can be the one to walk away; you donāt have to be āreleasedā from shit
Liars and cheaters will always lie and cheat
Moving quickly rarely leads to longevity
Your gut is never wrong; listen to it
Itās ok to not look like a fetish model; most people donāt
Sex can feel good even without orgasming
Squirting orgasms are a bit of a parlour trick; and they donāt always feel as good as other types of orgasms
You deserve as much pleasure as he does
If the effort isnāt there in the beginning it never will be
You can kneel in slip-on Converse just as well as you can in heels
You can be a kick-ass submissive and not own a single piece of lingerie
You can defer to someone and respect them as a leader even while watching Netflix and eating steak nachos with your fingers
Dominants can get sick and be huge babies and still be worthy of obedience and respect
Not every Dominant is an executive with an expense account
Submissives can make more money than their partner
You donāt have to say 'Daddyā to feel it in your bones
You can love someone and not be a match
Toxicity isnāt gender specific
Wanting to be wanted can lead to seriously poor decision-making
Itās ok to demand more for yourself; having standards solidifies self-worth
Self-esteem requires active management
Submission doesnāt cease to exist when youāre single
Submission doesnāt end when you hit 30 or 50 or 70
You donāt have to do anything you donāt want to do
You have to use your voice
Every time I start to think how things have changed over the years I have to stop and remind myself: Nothing has changed but you. Sometimes I think about that 27 year old, that 34 year old, hell - even that 40 year old, and I cringe. The mistakes she made. The positions (literally and figuratively) she put herself in. How much mental and emotional energy she expended on him. How much she didnāt know.Ā
How much more she still has to learn.
But Iāll tell you what: If the next twenty bring as much joy as the last twenty, Iām in for a helluva ride. And I want all of it - every bump and swoop and whirl.Ā The twists and turns are what make you who you are.Ā
And Iāve learned to like that girl.
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