My Daily Diary to the Public

Misery loves company.

It gets better... Sometimes.

The first day is always the worst.

The first day of our break... Was the worst. I cried. Many times throughout the day. Work was so bad. I was holding back my tears for the entire shift. I felt like I wasn’t even there. As I drove off in my car to run some errands, my mind wandered back to you, and the tears fell.  

My mind kept wandering back to our conversations, our memories, as if I had already lost you.

I went through the different stages of grief like lightning today. Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Acceptance... Maybe not that last one, but that middle section... One second I was upset and crying, the next, I was thinking, “Fuck this and fuck that”.

I cried again during my errands. Again, I was just trying to figure out some stuff, and my train of thought went back to you. And I broke again. Crying on my way home.

I was distracted for a good amount of time with my interview, with my costume for clubbing, so I was fine. The thoughts rumbled in the back of my head, and I did small analyses here and there of what happened. But overall, I was doing okay.

And then I hit the gym with my brother.

Absolutely. Miserable.

It made me feel so... Gone. I managed to do my routines and stuff, but in the back of my head, I wanted to kill myself. I started snapping a rubberband on my wrist to distract myself. Somehow, it managed to work.

Now I’m here, wishing I wrote down all those things I thought about during the day because I feel like it would help me articulate my thoughts by the end of this month.

But one of my only other thoughts is... There’s so much happening this month... your month... And I don’t even get to spend it with you at all...

((Also I keep hurting myself with ideas of you and other girls and creating scenes where you just lose feelings for me and leave so ya.......))

Let’s take a break.

I’ve always seen it happy to other people. How it helps, how it doesn’t. How it might prolong the inevitable a little longer, and how it mends wounds with time.

I never thought that I’d have to go through one. I never thought I’d have to offer one up as a temporary solution to our problems. It’s usually power through or end it all.

We tried one method, and it didn’t seem to work. And as for the other option... I know I don’t want it to happen... and maybe you couldn’t bring yourself to say it. I didn’t want us to leave this conversation the same way we left the last one, so I opted with saying... Let’s take a break.

I’m willing to give you the space that you need to walk away from us, take your time, take a breath, and clear your mind about us. In the end, if our feelings for each other were really strong enough, and this relationship truly mattered to us, I feel as though we can come back with clearer minds, fuller hearts, and work through our problems to find our ground again.

But if that doesn’t become the case, if in the end, one of our feelings for the other fade over the course of the break, and there’s no convincing to keep going... Then it’s all over. And I have to be okay with that eventually. And potentially, I am the one who’s okay with that and it’s you who has to make it eventual.

Since I’m getting into longboarding, I imagine myself like, practicing/skating around my neighborhood. I’m doing alright for awhile and I don’t wipe out very much. 

Then one day, I try something and I hella wipe out. And since it’s so fucking hot, I’m wearing like, shorts and a tank top, so my arms and legs are hella scraped up. My board goes flying in one direction, me in the other, and I’m too busy being covered in blood to get up and get my board. 

I managed to turn my body over and sit up and examine myself, wincing at the pain and half laughing at it and mostly hoping no one saw that. And then I look around for my board and it’s nowhere to be seen. Probably rolled around a bush or something. 

So, I continue to examine my scrapes when I feel a shadow looming over me. Someone’s brought my board back. 

-realizes there’s no point in this blog because my main blog is like personal personal and I just don’t care anymore lol- 

Oh hey look, I’m alive, lol...

AP’s are freaking over! Now I just gotta live long enough to graduate and get outta here...

I’ve been alright lately. With badminton winding down, I’m gonna have more freetime on my hands. 

So, I haven't really been good with keeping my journal or this blog, but I still like having this here.

I'm almost finished with my second week of senior year, and all of this college talk is freaking me out, as always. 

So far, everything's been decent, though.

I haven't had any rough times or anything like that. I think.

I'm just feeling really meh, on certain subjects but only when I over think. 

One thing is for sure, I still can't get over this feeling of loneliness... For lack of a better word. 

I have families and yet I feel like they all ignore me or just don't bother to acknowledge my existence. 

Wow, it's definitely been awhile now. I don't think I've written anything in here or my journal in awhile, I mean, too much school I guess. So, just checking in and saying that I'm alive.

Hmm... Last 3 months...

April: Badminton. School. Stress. May: Badminton finals. AP testing. Much stress. Pulling through right now and it's the last week of school !! 

I'm barely making it through, being exhausted everyday for just about no reason except for refusing to sleep at night. 

It’s been awhile on account of too much school finally catching up to my procrastination haha.

Anyways, I spent this afternoon with a good friend. I needed a day out with some neutral company to kind of take a little stress out of my life so far.

We hung out and talked at the park for a bit. He drove us to Teazone and bought me boba. Afterwards, we wandered around Asian Garden Mall for a little bit, just chatting, and then he dropped me off at home.

I’m glad I had this day out because it’s relieved my stress in so many ways. Just hanging out with his silliness was stress relieving and realizing that I no longer have feelings for him definitely took a lot of weight off of my heart.

The last week has been pretty good. I've been a really good mood recently and I'm glad for that.

I've started gym practice for badminton, and although I'm super rusty, I'm glad I'm able to start playing again (even though half the time so far, I've spent frustrated at myself for not being able to do things as I used to...) Other than that, I've been having so much fun ! 

After conditioning, I kept on working on working out independently, actually, it was during conditioning! I'd go home and do some home workouts, that I'm proud of myself for continuing on right now!

I've been skating to the park nearby my house a lot lately to get work done or just to relax, and it's been proving really useful! I love sitting outside in the park, just relaxing and getting my shit done ! I'm much more productive out there than I am at home, and it feels great to get away from home. 

I'm still alive on a school level, although calculus hasn't been proving so great... .-. BUT. I will live. It's only the beginning of the semester. I will do better. 

On an emotional level, I'm up and down, as always, nothing's really changed there. Ha. My emotions are a fun thing to deal with... Not. But I keep them quiet long enough to live my life, so it's all good. 

February 9th, 2014

Oooookay. Tet Festival Day 2 ! 

So, this guy in the picture, picks me up in the morning to take me to the festival for my volunteer shift and pretends to volunteer with my friend and I throughout our shift. (Even though I told him he didn't have to!)  We had gate duty, trash duty, and ticket duty, and it was all pretty amusing, especially once our other came to join the fun~

After messing around so much on the job, our shift finally ended and it was time to goof off off the job. Another one of our friends joined the group and we were then a group of 5. We all headed over to the food court, bought ourselves some Tastea foods and boba and had some lunch. 

Afterwards, we bought our all day ride passes to go hit some rides! (I missed the rides to much...) I rode the Zipper twice, once with my volunteer friend, and once with that guy ^^ (Selfie inside the Zipper haha~) And we all rode the Chicago Loop, the Super Shot, and the Sea Dragon Swing (which turned into a Sphinx this year...) I guess it's been too long since I've ridden these rides because my stomach was turned and I was really close to throwing up and that would've been embarrassing... 

A little before the swing, we finally found my friend who was lost for almost an hour... Hehe. After the Swing, we sat inside the stage area to get some rest that was much needed on my part. We didn't really go on anymore rides after that, considering how drained we all were. So, we walked around for just a little bit longer and headed home. 

I bought this guy a present right before we left and surprised him with it when he dropped me off at home because he really didn't have to come out and be all bored with us, ya know? 

Friday the 13th ! I've had a lot of close calls today, so I think I would call that plenty of good luck for me ! I almost spilled my entire mug of coffee during Spanish class, but somehow, I caught it without being a dingus and flinging it everywhere o: I tripped on a few things today and I sat on a desk edge, but a little too much, so it almost tipped forward with me on it... But I caught myself and the desk before it could make contact with the floor. Bwahaha. Lucky me ^^

There's one too many projects going on right now, and I'm actually surprised I can divide my time among them evenly... o: But the physics project is taking away unnecessary time that could be used for my calc project... In my opinion at least... 

The only thing bugging me about my calc project is that I want to keep taking over and doing a lot and then I feel bad because my friend believes that I'm doing too much work... It's just that in group projects, I usually stand around and wait until someone asks me to do something because I have absolutely no idea what to do! I'm probably making up for usually being a dingus and being useless on projects... :\

I believe I've been a bit... delusional lately. Kinda just living in some fantasies again, I guess... On account of my upcoming birthday and hearing the words "winter formal" come around... I guess I'm having some crazy fantasies again... That are just kind of on repeat... Aiya, my crazy mind... But I guess it's nice because my stupidity can make me smile at the most ridiculous of times.

I just figured it's been awhile since I've written something.

It's finally December !! (10 days ago...) I love December. It's my birth month, it's the month of Winter, it's the month of the holidays... Good vibes all around !! December is probably my favorite month ever.

Just because I love the month so much, I've decided not to let anything get me down this month! I'm trying my best to keep a positive attitude and just trying not to hate things as much as I usually would... Huehue.

We're finally launching our Calculus project in B/C and I'm ready but ready to be stressed, ya know? It's definitely going to be a lot of work, but I'm glad I get to be partners with my friend because we're almost always on the same page about everything~

Badminton tryouts were yesterday. I went to check out the new blood hehe. It was pretty decent. I mean, tryouts weren't as crowded as usual, but there was definitely potential in the crowd. The first cut list was posted today and it wasn't bad! There was probably one or two surprising names there and some other names that sort of worry me in general, but we can definitely work on them.

Weird stuff have been going on in my mind, I don't really know how to define weird... It's just... A lot of thoughts are swirling around my head and I can't really seem to organize them.