im so used to love just fading away that i live every day with the fear my boyfriend will leave me

Days go by and I wake up everyday with suicidal ideation. I can’t rest during my sleep either because nightmares come to my mind. I don’t know to whom I can talk about it. I’m always tryin to be the happiest around my friends and not mention anymore what happened just two years ago. I’m scared to mention it to my boyfriend. I think he’d understand but it’s such an heavy pain to give to my beloved ones. I fake it till I make my pain disappear. Tho these days is hard to handle it all. Emptiness is sorrowing me and death is my only thought. Being a failure of a human too

i can’t remember the last time i was truly present to myself on my diary. today is august 2nd. my journal is now full of blank, tornout sheets. i make lists of what makes me happy or unhappy. lists of what i should do and what i need to improve. or lists of curious facts and books i want to read. anything to keep me as far as possible from looking too deeply inside myself. i want to remind myself of what is essential, but sometimes a subtle shade of melancholy settles over me. quieting me down. my mind becomes a translucent fog. it always happens when i feel like small in my own fullness, unable to think clearly about things. idealism doesn’t suit a heart that calls for the most concrete forms. yesterday something happened. in an instant it became the happiest of days. but it often happens to me that right after the happiest moments i close in on myself. i reach the highest peaks only to slip into something terrible. thank god it never lasts more than 24 hours. once that time passes i go back to being who i've always been. not much else to say. these intense months have slipped away somewhere else. i feel as if they never really existed. sometimes i tell myself that more than the future, what i actually fear is thinking that the past had no meaning. that it was senseless, avoidable, inessential, or thoroughly distracted. such foolish questions and even when i find an answer i forget it right away. still, as long as i have unanswered questions, i will keep writing. how can you start from the beginning if things happen before they actually happen? for example, if apocalyptic monsters existed even before prehistory? isn't it too late to restart if all that remains is this entire world right in my eyes, continuing to breathe around me? the truth is always some inner force without an explanation. when i was at the sea with gaia, i wrote this note: god is the strength we find within ourselves. the generative power is so high that the mere thought of actually possessing it would scare anyone. but it’s not a force of conquest. it’s joy that we give to the world. it lifts me up to think that i hold boundless happiness within me. and that anyone can possess this force. an inexhaustible joy. the most authentic and joyful part of life is often unrecognizable, extremely intimate, and impossible to define. today my heart is so frail that i have to remind myself that these are the things i believe in. i take a deep breath to a shrill, sharp, and syncopated melody. anyway, i will write more clearly about what happened during these months. i feel like both a woman and a child. i feel a desire to transform with my entire body. there is something idiotic in me, and something sweet and unbearable. i thought about the maternal dilemma for the entire month of july. i read my mother's note. it made me cry to the point where i couldn't talk to anyone about it. i have forgiven many things. i am exhausted yet holding a boundless strength inside. in truth i know that i am happy. i said something stupid on the phone earlier and i need to correct it. it made me feel so stupid. i'll write about it later. the heart doesn't know what it thinks when fear is doing the talking. fear and exclusion are death in this life