Every Flight Begins With A Fall♡

I feel like i'm going through withdrawals.

I've realized that I had to stop pushing for him and i to be together. I couldnt be the only one fighting for us. That's how one of us would have ended up hating the other. Probably him. I could never think of a world where I could hate the person that is/was/will always be my safe space. The person that something happens and I get so excited to tell him and then it hits me all over again. The person pinned to the top of all of my messages so he never got lost in the chaos of life. The person that when ive had a bad day he is the first and only person I want to be in the arms of.

How did we go through all that we have (over 17 years of history) just to end up like this. I will never understand. How fucking dare you do this to us. I will never regret us, but at least if we had never started this then we still would have been best friends. At least then I wouldnt be on day 3 of not knowing anything about your day. Then I wouldnt be gling over 2 weeks since I heard your voice or your laugh. Hear you tell me that you love me. Calling me your baby girl. At least then I wouldnt jump everytime my phone dinged even tho its not your special notification sound. At least then I could sleep peacefully in my bed with out the memories of us in eachothers arms.

We talked non stop from wake up til sleep for over 10 years. Now there is nothing. How is it so easy for you to not talk to me? How is it so easy to just go on like i was never a part of your life. Are you crying everyday like I am? Can you stomach the thought of finish reading the books we started together? I will never be able to reread our series ever again. Let alone any of the others with new releases coming out. How can one day you tell me im healing your heart and 2 days later you dint want to be with me anymore.

I ate a full meal yesterday. Had a laugh with a friend. My life is still going on and I there is no other person I want to tell but you, but you dont even talk to me anymore. Let alone ask how my day was or check in on me. You didnt even check in on me when multiple friends was having to give me a ride to and from work becuase my car was messed up. Asked you for a ride and you told me you were going out of town fishing. Asked you to look at the car and you told me you didn't have time.

I dont know when I became too much for you , but ive learned never to let anyone in. Never again.

Im going to live my life that you believe ive been wasting in our small town and they to be as happy as I can even if I was happy with you. My heart will always be yours even if you dont want it to be anymore, but i wont burden you with that knowledge. Ill always secretly hope that one day you realize that we could jave and should have been together this whole time and come back, but you're stubborn and seem to have your mind made up.

I'm still so fucking confused. How can we be planning a future together on monday and then Friday we're over?

He said we tried and we failed and it's on him.

We weren't failing...we were working. We weren't perfect but we were happy. At least I thought we were.

He said he still wants to be friends. How can I just be friends when I want to kiss him everytime i see him? When I think of him everytime i get cold because he runs hot and he tells me to take all of his body heat because at least he will know im warm. How do i get used to not talking to him 24 hours a day? How do i not know about his day? How do i not get a phone call at 7 am anymore when he's getting off just to tell me about his day? How do I not call him everyday and make sure hes been eating? How do I not fall asleep on the phone with him every night? Have him prop the phone up on his chest while we watch tv...together even tho we couldn't be...and I fall asleep to the sound of his breathing. How do i not get to be in his arms ever again? Hear his laugh.

He deleted his snap or he deleted me from it. Said he couldnt afford to scroll backwards. We had a streak of almost 4 years and all hentold me was to write down the number and maybe one day I will go to him and show him how me and someone surpassed our streak. He even changed the wallpaper from us to a pitch black screen.

He says we're over and we're done and for me not to wait for him. Is it even considered waiting when I will never love anyone like I love him. I guess im technically alone now...but im not single. My heart is shattering.

I used to make fun of that scene from twilight when Bella just lost herself becuase of losing Edward...i get it now. What I dont get is how in the hell she stayed so calm. Ive been bawling my eyes out for days. Cant eat. Can't sleep but forcing myself to so I dont have to be awake.

I was lucky to be off this weekend. I need shower and get everything ready but I dint want to do anything but jave all of this just be a nightmare. That I will wake up to a phone call from him and I will tell him my nightmare and he will call me crazy becuase he could never do that to me. That he loved me. That he will always love me.

I slept in the recliner in the living room. I couldn't sleep in my bed...our bed...even when he wasn't in it with me I would snuggle a pillow and pretend it was him so I could fall asleep. Can't do that now.

I would have and wanted to love that man through anything and everything. He broke up with me so all of his anger and rage doesn't eventually make us hate one another and we cant even be friends. He and I were never really just friends. For almost 20 users there has always been more. Flirting...laughing...etc. How do I go back to a place ive never been when all I want is to wake up and this be a nightmare. I want to hear my phone ring and its him getting off of work and he wanted tk tell me about his day. I want him to laugh at me for falling back asleep because his voice always brought me peace. "My sleepy Baby" he would laugh and call me. I want to tell him about my nightmare and he come over and hold me and tell me how stupid it was because him and I are forever.

My fear of homelessness is back. I rent an apartment and he technically rents tk own his from his family. Everytime I would talk about my fear of getting evicted out of the blue with no where to go he would calm me down and tell me I always had a place where he was. Now I would have nowhere.

Now the rules state that nothing can happen between us that would blur any lines. No excessive phone calls like we used to be on the phone for most of the day if we could. No wake up phone calls no good night phone calls. No flirting. No touching. No kissing. No sex. No cuddling. No nothing. I guess that is just friends territory, but I don't want to go back.

I just want him. Through everything. The good days and the bad days and the best and worst days of our lives.

I really hope with all of my heart that we find our way back to eachother.