Jules of Nature
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@missineffable
I tell myself that I am okay. I feel fine. Until I talk to someone and they say I am not. It’s so hard, tbh. One minute I’m back to my old self: bubbly and energetic, and then before I sleep I transform into this lonely and self-loathing girl. I built up myself for two years, shielding myself from every vulnerabilities. And then came this. It was stupid. I was so stupid.
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I never thought I could cry like this again. The only thing that I regret was making myself too vulnerable. I never should’ve let my guard down. No matter how hard it is to stop. Another lesson learned. I hate myself for not stopping myself from bursting out. What a stupid thing but it’s hard to prevent something that’s too much for my mind. It’s not surprising but I am clearly suffering from depression. Again. It has been weeks since my eating habits changed. I cannot eat normally like I did because I just end up feeling nauseous and it makes me puke. Today, I only ate one small piece of pork tocino for breakfast, an asado siopai for lunch, and a piece of meat and two vegetables from the nilagang bakafrom dinner. I’m so fucking tired of getting depressed but at least I never resort to self-harm anymore. That’s one of the biggest achievement I have done so far.
Advice for those going through depression: Try hard to see or think of something good. Think very hard for good times that are coming ahead. Never lose yourself and never let those creeping thoughts get the best of you.
No matter how hard I try to ignore and forget, I know that it will always stay with me. That’s how strong the power it has on me. Why? I don’t know. It has been a mystery for me throughout all these years. People would not understand and I don’t expect them to. Yes, I doubt my thinking capacity in this situation but everytime I try to rationalize, it still boils down to the good side. I have seen the best and the worst. And I still believe. That’s what makes it so hard for me.
I’m such a complicated person. No wonder.
I've got to stop wishing for things that keep getting away
I am so frustrated.
I mean, what the fuck.
All the loneliness turned into anger because I just can’t believe it.
Fuck it.
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This guy, tho. We're not the perfect couple and we're not perfect individually either. We've broken up for a number of times, but we also got back together for a number of times. I once gave up on him and tried to shut him out of my life. But I just shake my head because life found a way to bring us back together. He's the typical bad boy type. My kind of guy. I've seen him grow emotionally and mentally throughout the years. He's still not perfect but I'm okay. I get mad at him a lot of times but that didn't urge me to drop him. He's very, very special to me. He's all-around and I can really count on him. Most especially, I can be myself when I'm with him. I just can't describe how much he means to me. There are infinite reasons. He's just... Ugh. No words. But I really, really, reallyyyyyyyyyy love this guy. 😳
Allow me to explain a broken heart:
A broken heart is when you actually refuse to get out of bed in the morning because you’re afraid of the reality that awaits you. A broken heart is when you think about the guy that broke your heart constantly. You reminisce the “good times” almost as if the “bad times” never existed.
A broken heart is when you’re crying yourself to sleep every night and yet crying more and more each morning. A broken heart is the unforgettable smell of his shirt that sits in that empty box stowed away. A broken heart is the cold shattering feeling you receive when you hear the syllables of his name. A broken heart is glancing at the pictures of you two and then quickly turning your attention to something else to avoid your tears.
A broken heart is re-reading his ancient letters and putting away the old jewelries he bought you. A broken heart is secretly wanting to run back to him and secretly wanting to just be loved by him again. A broken heart is asking desperately for just one last chance with the one person responsible for your loneliness. A broken heart is pretending not to care what his friends are saying about you. A broken heart is hanging up the phone after dialing the first six digits of his phone number. A broken heart is screaming and begging for a second chance inside.
A broken heart is the emptiness and heart-wrenching feeling you encounter when you see him with his new girlfriend. A broken heart is knowing that whatever you do or say to yourself, you can’t fool your heart into believing that you will in fact “be alright”. A broken heart is listening to that one song that makes you break down over and over again.
… And, a broken heart is sometimes not wanting to go on.
Now tell me, is your heart broken?
State of Wonder by Ann Patchett Such a great read despite being a bit medical. The story is about how a person’s thinking could change once he/she is exposed to a very different culture. How one’s mindset is greatly affected when faced with the extremes and then coming back to normal state. It is also about the acceptance of change. We all know that there is nothing constant in this world except change. I enjoyed Dr. Marina Singh’s adventure in the Amazon along with Dr. Swenson, Easter, the Bovenders and the Lakashi. It might not be the cup of tea for some (as I found out in Goodreads) but I could not put the book down for long once I started reading. It truly is a great read
Honestly, I am so done with people saying, "Maraming mahihirap sa Pilipinas. Yun dapat ang pinoproblema." (There are a lot of poor people in the Philippines. They should be the main concern.) It's okay to say that if the problem stated is a very petty one. Like first world problems. But don't say that if the problem concerns real moral issues. I read one article of this aspiring theatre actress who got accepted in Juilliard. It's not that easy to have money for a prestigious school of arts so she opted to go for crowdfunding. And there came the illogical reasoning of many people. I agree that there also kids in the country who need education. But for me, the country already has the means to get them to school. There are also organizations to support them. And really, I don't think those people who say help them don't even help kids. They won't even give money. So what is the difference between the kids and the aspiring actress? Is it just because the latter chose to study abroad and that doesn't mean people should help her? Are we also depriving her of her own dreams? I'm guessing it would be a different story if the person is a child. We always have soft spot for the little ones. It always is a different story. And that way of thinking sucks. Equality is not just between genders but also of age. The cultural aspect of this situation is the biggest factor. And also, it sucks.
Every year was worth the stay. You may never have been the first choice, but you have proven to be the best choice. Always.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
DAY 21: TURN ONS AND OFFS
Turn ons:
Very caring and thoughtful
Beautiful eyes
Must be good in a sport or an instrument
Hardworking
Good conversationalist
Turn offs:
Likes doing drugs
Alcoholic and chain smoker
Does not have direction in life and doesn’t care
Philippine Volleyball?
I’ve been holding out my anger for the past few days. I admit I became a fan of volleyball just recently. But now, I love watching it more than basketball. That’s why I’m ranting right now about what’s happening with the national team.
For UAAP, I am, of course, always rooting for the UST Lady Tigresses. But I am not the type to worship them like they are the ones who rule the volleyball scene. I’m not what they call a fantard.
This year, a lot of volleyball competitions have been happening that’s why last year, Philippine Volleyball Federation (PVF) had their national team try-outs and had already chosen the candidates for the final line-up. Unfortunately, Philippines must be synonymous to corruption because even national teams for different sports are subjected to corruption.
The national volleyball program today is just fucked up. PVF dissolved and was replaced by Larong Volleyball sa Pilipinas, Inc. (LVPI). It’s hard to dismiss the obvious that they are doing this for fame and riches. You already have a national team pool, why would you not recognize it? The SEA Games is coming up and the national team has been hounded by a lot of issues. First, the coach already had the best of the best players in his lineup. And two weeks before they leave for Singapore, he started changing the lineup.
I get it that Aiza Maizo, the best utility spiker alongside Jovelyn Gonzaga, is not being replaced by Bea de Leon in her position but as a middle blocker. But, as everyone is ranting about, why would you replace the best of the best with someone whose position is already being played by most in the team? You already have Maika Ortiz, Dindin Santiago-Manabat, and Aby Maraño. I think it would be okay for me if de Leon replaces Ortiz. But to remove Aiza Maizo who is the best in her position? I don’t even have a problem with Gonzaga because she really stepped up. She and Maizo go hand-in-hand together. There’s no need to convert Manabat because you already have legit utility spikers. It’s hard not to think there’s something fishy going on behind the scenes. At first, they wanted to replace Maraño with de Leon but when Aby dedicated her time for SEAG they tried to remove Maizo in favor of de Leon. I mean, dude, what the fuck? I get that she has height but I don’t think it’s her time yet. She’s just an incoming sophomore and she will blossom more (although I’m not really a fan of her; she reminds me of Chris Bosh, hehe). Honestly, I’m not a fan of her team (ADMU). Maybe because of their fans who are making them look bad. Valdez is a good player but the only player I can stand from their team is Julia Morado. Her setting skills are awesome. If I were de Leon, I would have the delicadeza to back out from the team and will improve more to be able to join again the national team in the future.
But the root cause of this problem are the people behind the players. The coah, the members of the organization members, and their PR people. Why would you keep PR people who personally attacks a player? That is very uncalled for and very unethical! Remember the name Julius Manicad. He should be sued for libel because of his tweets and attacks on Maizo. That was such a low blow and I don’t even think the organization is going to do something about him. Who is he in the first place, anyway? He’s not an influencer and definitely not an opinion leader because most people are against him. LVPI should do something as soon as possible because they really are in a bad position right now. Making Maizo the assistant coach is not a damage control. But what do you expect, poor decision-making skills from a poorly-organized sports org. Always doing something for their sake and not even for the country.
I want to cheer for the Philippines in the upcoming SEAG but I just loathe everyone who’s controlling the team. Good luck to the team, anyway. And to de Leon, show everyone you deserve that spot.
Sisig ni Mang Kanor (Pork sisig with rice topped with mango, scrambled eggs and mashed potato sandwiched between cucumber slices)
Project Silog, Agoo, La Union
DAY 20: CONCERTS YOU HAVE ATTENDED
Back when I was still studying in UST, we always have concerts during December for our Paskuhan festivities. A lot of local acts come to celebrate with the Thomasian community.
But maybe the biggest concert I went to (and also the only international concert, so far) was LIV5 last February 2012 held at Trinoma. The acts were A+ Dropouts, The Summer Set, A Rocket to the Moon, Forever the Sickest Kids, and The Ready Set. That was one hell of a night even though we were standing at the back and we had to rely on the big screen. I was lucky that I was given a free ticket by my friend.
A+ Dropouts
The Summer Set
The Ready Set
A Rocket to the Moon
Forever the Sickest Kids
I wish someday I could go to a concert again. I’ve been missing out on good concerts for a while now. I let Silverstein and Wanderland festival pass. Even BigBang and 2NE1. I really, really hope I could go to a concert again. If Matisyahu would go here, I will be the first one to buy a ticket.
And I want to have a concert buddy. Would you be that person?
DAY 19: A LIST OF ALL PLACES YOU’VE LIVED AT
1. Aringay, La Union
My hometown. Located in Ilocos Region, it is safe to say that this place is very, very different from Manila. This place is my sanctuary and my place for healing (physically, mentally, and emotionally).
2. Sampaloc, Manila
My second home. I’ve lived in Manila for four years and I must say that the place had been a very important factor in my growth (figuratively, because my height is still the same!). I am looking forward to the day that I will stay again in the city. But not right now, I’m still in the process of readying myself for the bigger things in life.
I will see you soon, Manila.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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So wrong
I’m in a situation right now wherein I’m thinking whether I should stay and carry on with the problems or let go and just don’t care.
But the saddest part of this whole thing is that it is not about me and my boyfriend but rather, me and my family. I have been thinking about this for quite a while now. I always wanted a happy life. Ever since I was a kid I never really experienced being the normal kid because I was a timid kid back then. I never get to do normal children do because I was always protected. I grew up afraid of asking permission because I got used being rejected all the time. The positive side of everything is that I grew up to be well-mannered, sort of. The negative side, on the other hand, is that I grew up wanting to feel more. To live more. Ain’t that enough?
Working is actually not a priority for me right now although based on what’s happening around the house, I may move out ASAP. Not because I need to work but because I want to stay away from certain people. Is it suprising that the only time I felt alive was when I was still studying in Manila? I got my own share of experiences when I was still in the bustling city. But the reason I’m still in the province is because I got so emotionally drained from being in the city that I still can’t get my ass to go there. Believe me, there’s no place I’d rather work but in Metro Manila.
It’s so sad that I get depressed because of family rather than other things. It’s so wrong but that’s what’s happening right now.
DAY 18: NAME THE TV SHOW YOU HAVE BECOME ADDICTED TO
Supernatural
I started watching the series two years ago and I never got tired of it. I love how the show evolved from terrifying to thrilling and adventurous. From demons to Lucifer to angels, yeah, I love everything. And not everything is serious. They also inject humor that really suits well with the show.
Throughout the seasons, I never thought I would fall in love with each character. Not just with the protagonists but also to the antagonist and even those who play extras. Sometimes I also can’t help but think whether or not some story lines may be close to the truth (the Lucifer and Armageddon story line, for one).
The character that I like the most would be Castiel. I like the versatility of his character and that’s a nod for Misha Collins. I also like Crowley played by Mark Sheppard. Others are Kevin (Osric Chau), Lucifer (Mark Pellegrino), and Gabriel (Richard Speight Jr.)
Applause also for the creators, producers, and writers of the show. I don’t know how they can think of unique stories in ten seasons. Good job, Supernatural!
