Lately Iâve been remembering the time of my life Iâve been struggling with terror, and I remember it being the most frightening and hard-to-survive experience of my life. I havenât written much about it before because even just thinking about it is hard, it feels like if I thought about it too hard it might all come back. I am going to write out symptoms for the sake of others who might have experienced them as well.
constant anxiety, rising up with any sound, inability to tolerate any noise
feeling my stomach was frozen with fear and experiencing constant stomach pain, to the point of quitting food because digesting it hurt too much to bear
being oversensitive to everyoneâs emotions, feeling them as my own, not being able to control it, causing extreme rises in anxiety, pain, stress, and exhaustion from emotions
feeling physical pain from emotions, feeling organs inside me hurt as if they were stabbed
constant shaking, sometimes very violent
inability to take deep breaths, only shallow breathing was allowed, if i were to take a conscious breath i would hyperventilate immediately and my breathing would turn erratic or into sobs
collapsing on the floor randomly
losing control over my limbs, inability to walk, legs turning off, falling down the stairs a lot
paralyzing and inability to move even a finger for hours sometimes
paralyzing in one spot and being unable to get up even if i could move my hands
not being able to tolerate presence of another human being, needing extreme isolation
registering any person as a death threat and expecting people to try to kill me any second
feeling exhaustion so extreme iâm always seconds from passing out
feeling pain over entire body so harsh iâm unable to move out of bed
feeling like iâm watching death in the face and will be dead any second
feeling like iâm going insane
unable to tell if i am alive or if i have been dead all along, feeling like a dead body or a ghost, unable to tell if I exist
complete detachment from body, not recognizing my own limbs or face
doing anything to lessen the fear, including insane exercise to the point of collapsing, self harm, jumping into cold water to get adrenaline rise, eating extreme foods to get my body to gag and feel alive for a second, provoking abusers to attack me so i wouldnât always have to be expecting it
having painful intrusive memories and thoughts and screaming at them to stop, to leave me alone, to let me be, not being able to bear the shame and guilt of it
hearing constant screaming in my head, seeing myself dead or dying or being killed when i close my eyes, seeing visions of my death, wondering if i had already been killed
nightmares so intense i would wake up in pool of sweat or shaking so violently it would take days to gain recollection, constant thirst, throat on fire, not being able to help it with water
strong feeling of not being allowed to exist, believing my existence will be found out and erased and that i am risking being caught and killed anytime iâm around people
feeling extremely distressed over how am i possibly going to handle living in such a state and deciding there has to be an end to it because itâs impossible to live like this, i would not live like this
These are all results of living in abusive and violent environment where I was constantly under death threats and threats of violence. I can only write them down now because most of these have gone away, or lessened to the point where I can tolerate them. If youâre struggling with these intense symptoms you are not insane, and yes there will be an end to it. Itâs also completely okay to avoid anything that makes you feel these things, if possible. Doing things isnât worth it if this is the result.
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