missaureus

Samuka. That was our very first response.

24th of June 2022. That day is forever vivid. It was my last week of Community Medicine Rotation during internship - the one everyone called the most benign, so I finally felt a little braver to plan a weekend trip with my friends. Months before, I had already purchased my plane ticket, hopeful but also worried that something would come up last minute and steal my chances away!

And sure enough, a week prior to my trip, our group was told that we were scheduled to have our graduation photoshoot on the same day of my flight! But honestly? It felt like a blessing. We were excused from our duty post the entire day and the shoot only lasted less than an hour. Having my hair and makeup done and stepping into something nice apart from my scrub suit and exhaustion under my eyes, I felt human. I asked my friend, Aike, to take a photo of me and she teased, "Hala, Brey! Gwapa kaayo ka, ibaligya tika!". Franz chimed in with a gummy smile, " Doc, naa ra ba koy friend…". I just laughed, shaking my head at their silly banter. I rushed home to prepare for my flight later that day.

I decided to go to the airport a little earlier since I still needed to squeeze in a 50-item online exam on that night. It felt impossible to juggle but missing my first vacation since the pandemic started was not my option.

Just before I hit the gas, my phone buzzed! Aike had tagged me in one of those “friend-for-sale” posts on Instagram. I burst out laughing. I couldn’t believe she actually did! As I drove to the airport, my phone received a notification again. This time it was a long, heartfelt message from my sister. It dawned on me that making her lunch earlier as a peace offering had not fixed things between us. We had argued earlier that day because I had gotten impatient while she was doing my makeup. We were already running late, so I’d rushed her to finish — forgetting she was only trying to help. And just when I thought my guilt couldn’t feel any heavier, my mom sent a message too, telling me how unappreciative I’d been. Sitting there in the car, I was already drafting an apology in my head, realizing I had a lot to make up for.

My mind was all over the place. On top of all, I was driving in circles, trying to find a free parking space where I could leave my car. When I finally did, I stopped for a second and just stared the gorgeous orange sky. It just hit me to the core that I had not really taken a good deep breath in years. Medical school had kept me so consumed that I hardly noticed how much I was missing. Family gatherings, milestones, vacations, all the things that truly matter had quietly slipped by and I had just accepted it as part of my life.

I checked in and looked for an empty seat at the airport. I was aimlessly scrolling through my virtual notes to cram my exam. Aike suddenly messaged our group chat, “Besh, willing ra ba ka mag LDR? Naa natay buyer!” I could not help but laugh! The next thing I knew, she was bombarding our thread with forwarded photos and even the guy’s educational background! I played along and told my friends to do a proper screening before I would check him out myself. We were just exchanging HAHAHAs without even realizing that it was already past 7 PM and still no word about our scheduled exam. When flight number was finally called for boarding, I asked my friends some favor to answer my exam for me. Thankfully, it ended up being postponed later on.

I reached Manila at almost midnight and I went straight to Briar’s condo. Niña greeted me with, “Naa biya nichat nako. Ibaligya daw nako siya sa imo.” What?! I was so shocked! It was the very same guy , who happened to be a friend of my best friend. Apparently, he sold himself hard, too. He added me on Facebook and started chatting casually. He even asked me if I was able to attend one of their school activities back in college. Which, funny enough, I actually had, but only once! The craziest part? I eventually recalled him on that day. He went on stage doing some sort of an opening remarks. To top it off, he told me he remembered me, too! Like seriously? That was six years ago.

Hi, I am back. Again.

Missaureus - As much as I want to continue my “Missense" identity, unfortunately the username is already taken. Thank you to that short read about hobbies that led me to open this 15-year old blog, with a little rebranding hahaha. Sure, I miss jotting down my thoughts and this would definitely help me regulate my emotions back. My mental health has been going down the drain the past days. I have never reflected this much in my entire life, I just want to retrieve I part of me: journaling. I am grateful for letting my persons validate me and at the same time not tolerate my actions that would eventually deface relationships in a long run.

In this blog, I am committing to writing about the following milestones in my life: My PLE Journey, My Lover Era haha, my Visa Application and what my current plans are regarding my medical career!!! That sounds quite heavy. Adulting has been overwhelming after passing my board examination yet I felt stagnant?

Yogat mat - Yes, I have been unrolling the mat this month. As my forever mantra, if you can't beat the mind, beat the body. On top of all, I just want my peace of mind back.

I am also about to attend a wedding next month and probably that would be motivation for me to hide this belly fat? Haha! Speaking of which, I cannot believe I am witnessing my best friend, Nina, whom I've known more than half of my life, is about to walk down the aisle in white!!! I am also doing my maid of honor responsibilities, whatever keeps the bride at peace and sane.

Exam Review 4.0 - A quick overview about my future plans, your girlie is stepping out big!!! Am I even qualified?! Only God knows!!! I am grabbing this opportunity while the fiancé is being supportive. This matter has been under hard conversations. I have been juggling work and trying hard to give the same amount of commitment during my board examination preparation to my next big step. Let's goooooo

Queen of Tears - Finally! A korean series in Netflix that made me surpass Episode 1 because my attention span is declining and nothing really interests me series-wise or is just relatable that is why it is my cup of tea? hahaha. At least, I have something to look forward to on weekends.

TL;DR — The one who was put on sale is finally off the market.

“Nag-expect ka?”

A question I anticipated from everyone after you kneeled and mustered all the courage for you not to miss a single line from your spiel. I bet you can already hear your heartbeat pulsating in your temples because at that moment, I can hardly recall how things were around us. I was just intently listening to you, nodding my head hard out of agreement.

Did I really expect? I did. I did but my expectations were on the other end of spectrum, like something withdrawn and quiet. But still, I would not have it any other way because it was a milestone better shared with loved ones. How they witnessed it and got emotional after a height of adrenaline just to make sure things go as planned that night was much appreciated, physically and in spirit. Truly, only God can reveal the one who has the intention to put the ring on it in His own time! He knows how I fervently discerned and specifically prayed for someone who takes after His own heart. And that person who kneels before God, finallyyyyy kneeled in front of me to ask my hand in marriage.

Our timeline may be built out of the ordinary and circumstances may be out of grasp and sure, it may not go as smoothly as it should be. I want to say loving you is easy but we have been taking a big leap of faith 🥺 In spite of all, it gets a little easier. Everyday, it gets easier and let us do that “everyday” together, my love. ❤️‍🩹

Thank you for doing so much for meee, I may try to outdo all but you have been so unconditional from the start. I love you, love. I am willing to take all the risk, riding the motorcycle without a helmet, for example, haha just to share some gelato at 12 midnight.

I felt so deflated when I welcomed 2022. Although I was grateful I was off duty on the very first day of the year, which allowed me to celebrate the holiday at home, the previous year sucked the life out of me. It has always been like this, plagued with the new year syndrome. A new phase of uncertainties and adapting to all things that aren’t constant. I needed a month-long preparation to reflect on my past year, a trial month as my transition to the next one. 

January 2022. I had my rotation in surgery. It was challenging doing my emergency room duties with little knowledge and skills. I have been walking through hallways, shortcuts, secret passages within the institution while faking the confidence. The unfamiliarity was nerve-wracking because it was something I’ve never been to. Unfortunately, we were pulled out again and again due to the surge of cases, a vicious cycle which made me restless. This pandemic has killed my enthusiasm to learn while committing mistakes in between. 

Now, I am stuck in my own cul-de-sac and virtually hovering the arrow of my mouse as I deal with my Zoom meetings throughout the day. Apart from that, I went back to reading non-academic books, finishing two books this month. I am trying to form new habits, by applying what I have learned from reading Atomic Habits: cutting down my sugar intake plus doing the one meal a day diet, put in the basket what’s only best for the body during grocery shopping (my favorite chore!), doing 30-minute exercise every day, tracking my daily mood and doing virtual journal to understand myself more, shopee abstinence 2022 hahaha i guess it is time to cut off the platinum privileges and pour more on my savings and small investments. I have to acknowledge my consistency since day 1 and I hope I can cope up with the changes once the office finally announce to have us back on our hospital post.  

I miss home. I bid farewell to my doctor friends who are now deployed to far-flung areas. My catto gave birth to two cute kittens, Tofu and Queso (but my sister wanted it Cheddar or probably Cheeto? hahahah still undecided). I am still having relapses which I needed to accept to approach myself effectively. And that is okay, healing is never linear. 

This is the calm.

Before all else, I was never free from trials. I can still itemize the misgivings and mishaps that thankfully, with grace, I endured. It calls for much bravery to live the dream, especially being a first generation physician (to be). But here I am, the product of all those series of events. 

The journey has not started even but I failed myself already. That was a grave thought circling in my head days prior to my school admission.

While working with my entrance requirements, my doctor won’t release a certification that I was fit to study in a medical school. On the spot, it dawned on me that I was about to miss a bus, a big one. She tried to give me options which she delivered to me in a hopeless manner. That night, I soaked my pillow wet. To put it briefly (I actually have a more detailed entry of this experience way back 2016), I was able to retrieve my documents needed for me to get a fit-to-study certification. Props to the healthcare workers who shone their light on my path and made me believe that it was possible. You are all remembered. My greatest takeaway from the ill experience is that smart doctors are astounding but it is the compassionate ones that will be remembered by their patients. As a patient and an aspiring doctor, this is the word that I have been living by, to be kind always.

Finally my feelings were at bay. I thought, at least but another problem washed me off of shore again. The registrar’s office did not allow me to enroll on my scheduled date of admission because a promissory note would not suffice. We did bargain to my university’s registrar to release our transcript of records within 4 days which was the last day of enrollment since they firstly promised us for a 2-week processing. We almost camped outside the building to let them know our persistence to finally have our records on hand. 

I could recall how much breath I was trying to catch while running to the college of medicine to still catch the registrar staff in school right after they handed the papers. Mind you, I was a very crucial metric for the office to decide on how many waitlisted can have the opportunity to purse med school. I was the very last student to officially enroll! Sadly, a few were strained on that day for various reasons. 

It was only for school admission but making big decisions tested the waters. It may take courage to pursue but it also takes courage to give up. That time, I still went for the former with high hopes that medical school was for me. 

First year commenced and so was some depressive episodes. 

I want to pat my freshman self for getting through that tough year. The year when I learned to make coffee as my life line until 3 AM, when I was struggling on how to approach my PBL sessions and eventually went restless during second semester. I had my fair share of failures and retakes. I did not want it already --- the pressure, the shame, the mediocrity... I was literally crawling on the path, crawling aimlessly. All I want was an end of all of it. 

Maybe I am just on adjustment period, I thought. Procrastination went severe. I went indifferent. I chose sleeping to dissociate from reality. I could shamelessly sleep few nights before modular exams, enter a PBL session without reading any learning issues, and shrugged off failing grades posted on the bulletin board for everyone to see. To top that, my assigned community medicine families was a cause of my heartache. I was trying so hard change them to finally achieve a healthier household. Little did I know from the start that you cannot change people’s heart if they are not committed to change. 

Weirdly, I was so afraid of being an average yet I was already failing. What happened? I was never like this. I have been living so perfectionist. I still am. I kept on asking what went wrong. Do I still love what I was doing then? It takes a heart to do so. I thought, it was not a matter about adjustment period already. 

Not to mention, my body manifested my stress level. I got severe acne for the first time in my life to the point I had to seek professional help. My already low self-esteem went downhill. My insecurities skyrocketed... I even went uncomfortable towards people they shipped me with and seeing someone I used to like drift away and had feelings for someone else. I could never juggle two shits at the same time. I had to put an end to this. I tried. Even to my friends, I went blunt. 

First year and I was already in chaos. I could still remember how fervently I prayed at the end of the school year. I went to church to kneel every day not to ask the Lord to save me but to prepare my heart accepting a huge rejection towards the end of the semester. 

With God’s grace I was promoted to the second level. I received a scholarship which served as my anchor and reminder why I am doing this journey, to serve the underserve. I cannot even fathom to witness to which I consider a big miracle in my life. That day they released the result of promotion, I had to let go people who did not make it. It broke me but I have to remain stoic for myself.

Second year. It was a tougher one. I thought I was doing good but eventually my body became my biggest traitor. I was sent to various outpatient department laboratory tests which challenged us financially. I was diagnosed with stress-induced irritable bowel syndrome. I lost so much weight in a span of a month, going down to 40 kg. My gastrointestinal symptoms were crazy it made me weaker. The acne went severe. It affected my studies which became a vicious cycle. Depression would always hit at midnight thus I chose to sleep early. I could not enjoy things around me anymore. I felt shit and demotivated.

The last five months of the school year were the most painful for me. I openly talked to my mom the possibility of me repeating the year. She advised me to take a rest but I refused. She knew my body was already tired. I was asked by the dean in her office and from that moment, I already accepted the fact that I cannot redeem myself already. I weep at random times and finally I already had no tears to express.

True enough, I felt empty the day they told me about my status and will definitely get no promotion. My tear ducts were already dried and the administration did not deserve any of my tears. I accepted it right away and did not even try to bargain because truth be told, I wanted to be free from that batch also. I had issues --- the love-hate relationship, the divided subgroups, the competition. It had no sense of belongingness. I had nothing against the individuals. Sadly, I perceived the dynamic of us as a batch very toxic. I have friends but medical school is way different from college and you cannot survive from it with a toxic environment, as for me. In medical school, you are meant to help each other. That day, I was finally free! From my own feelings echoing in my head I was still okay, free from expectations of others, free from people and their toxic tendencies. 

Second second year was a game changer. A fresh start for me and the whole college. There was a change of administration. New dean, new protocols for exams and promotion. It was finally time to redeem myself. I did not even had to try to make friends with new set of batchmates. I easily adapted to the new environment which was manifested during our very first team building. 

I was inspired to study harder. Progress became prominent which was reflected on my exam results which I got to see in private. I finally did not sabotage myself and allow to celebrate small wins with eating outs after exams and all forms of selfcare. 

I was assigned to decent and loving community medicine families, where communication was not a problem. I honestly learned so much from them about life while I did my weekly visits to assess them health-wise. It was a give and take relationship.

Of course, the progress was never linear. I got my fair share of retakes and breakdowns, too. Coffee has always been my life line but I needed to let go my greatest (used-to-be) stress reliever, doing bullet and EXO journals, to spare my time and energy and pour it to more studyout sessions. 

I tried so hard to work on myself, I learned how and when to pause to breathe, I embraced imperfections, that it is okay not to know all things, it is okay to ask for help, it is okay to say no. I learned not to take all things personally and embrace constructive criticisms to direct my growth given directly and indirectly. 

It was a year I had to work on to understand myself more. 

Third year came peacefully. It was the studyout era until dawn in order to pass all exams. I had all cafes and restos in the city memorized. I know by heart the pros and cons of each. Apart from the coffee served, the company of my batchmates made the memories a happy one. 

The modules during the junior year were much more difficult. Special mention to the Neurology module that made me cry with wheezes in the school after the real-time checking of our exams. It was hard but I let it sit close to my heart until now because there were people who genuinely helped the retakers at that time. That was critical time and fragile one. My tears were for joy but a few where unfortunate who were pouring out loud since they did not make it. 

The moment we were down to our last modular exams prior to clerkship, the pandemic turned everyone’s life upside down. It concluded our pre-clerkship years without warning. 

Fourth year. Without pause, we eventually started our clerkship virtually.

[...]

 My roommates finally arrived past 1AM. I was super drained but I still managed to put on my bear nail stickers while waiting for them. The moment I opened the door we were already squealing because we haven’t seen each other since my Davao vacation on January that year. We chatted randomly and eventually dozed off. We only had a few hours to be physically prepared for a hectic day ahead.

The concert proper was still at night but we scheduled to go to the mall area at 10AM to distribute freebies under Team Jongin PH. I was wearing heels and my feet were already crying. Obviously, I am not used to it and it was a poor decision. Cafes and restaurants near the arena were banning meet-ups and large groups who were giving stuff to concertgoers because it would obstruct other costumers. What would they expect in a day like this? We respect establishments and would not go out empty-stomached. But I cannot blame them. With that, we ended up being stationed in a wing way distal to the arena. 

Many familiar faces were spurting inside the café. I got to introduce to them using twitter usernames. It was hilarious. I even messed up with my other internet friends who I failed to recognize right off the bat! I felt so apologetic. Probably out of exhaustion, my sugar was depleting! 

Around 2PM, I had pasta and coffee as my lunch. I cannot indulge my palate that I had to share my small dish to a friend. My fight-or-flight hormone was doing its job generously that afternoon. I could not recall how much yards we had to stroll for unknown reason in and out the mall. 

After giving away those packed stuff, we took some pictures in front of the arena in groups. After that, we went back to the condo to freshen up and get ready to line up. With my sequence number, around 400, I was near the end of the line. Surprisingly, almost everyone in my area was from the province, particularly Bisaya. We finally realized how the provincial assistance failed us that year. Probably the worse experience I had due to the hectic announcements for the Manila leg. At that moment, a hint of regret was circling my thoughts. Was it a right decision that I did not bite that one under the table offer? I could have experienced a barricade line. I just ignored that bleak light of what-if.

Inside the arena, around 5PM, I was probably 5 or 6 lines away from the stage. It was way farther than my ElyXiOn stop but still a good and close view. There were still foreigners in our area. There was no sign of the event to start so I finally decided to listen to my feet’s plea --- to sit on the floor. The VIP area was more compressed than the first day. Thus, I had to stand in no time to reserve my spot. 

Around 6PM, the show commenced. The intensity of Filipino EXO-Ls’ heated cheer in response to the house rules was much more ear-splitting than yesterday’s. The setlist was not even rolling but one or two from our area were already dragged out, mostly foreigners. I swear, the level of security was not a joke this time! 

With the same pattern of Moonlight being played, it was a hint for everyone to mentally prepare. The 1st VCR played on the big led screens. The ghastly intro was beating in a rising intensity until the EXOs finally set foot on stage. By the time Tempo played, not only the lightsticks but also the phones were raised up high to shot fancams. I was so stressed I forgot how the moshpit game should be played. I had to brace myself for over 2 hours! People in the pit were starting to make waves out of pushing and eventually I had to stop my fancam during Transformer because the bouncers were barring my view when they were trying to catch another bull-headed fan pinpointed by Filipino fans. 

Due to the endless commotion, I was ushered to the side barricade and had the opportunity to step on the platform for a much elevated view. I was so afraid of stampede I did not dare to move an inch from my position. I anchored myself to the barricade. From there, I had a better view for Gravity which is a personal favorite. A choreography does wonder to a song!

Baekhyun came out with the backup dancers for UN Village after the 2nd VCR was shown. Undeniably, he appeared to be exhausted which was obvious when he let the fans sing most of the song at the end. The fans did not fail to par the energy of the song with its fanchant..

This was followed by the 3rd VCR then the powerful trio: 24/7, which played a huge part in my decision making of which ticket to buy. I was after Jongin’s position for this song. Unlike, ElyXiOn that each member had a fix spot every time they go scatter around, EXplOration was way opposite and random. All te members were so mobile throughout. Next, the general public’s favorite, Love Shot attacked. Followed by Oh La La La. 

The deafening shout from the crowd was breathed out when EXO started talking for the 1st ment. They individually introduced themselves with matching hello Philippines and mabuhay greetings. Finally, Monster! This was a stage missed out last ElyXiOn. I was happy to finally witness it live. The members then scattered on the main stage for Oasis. The led screen was an art it was dancing gracefully with them. Breathtaking!

A solo stage by the leader, Junmyeon, followed. Funnily, they were now confident to rip off in an oversea show excluding Japan and China. With that, the crowd was expecting so much from Been Through. The moment Junmyeon exposed his chiseled abdominal muscles, the crowd went crazier that the shouts reached the roof the arena. 

Finally, a ballad song! Jongdae entered the center stage and the light bulbs were simultaneously falling like stars. He sang Lights Out too perfectly and I commend the crowd for understating the sole assignment during this stage --- to stay silent to appreciate his vocals. The lights were already reflecting towards my tears pooling in my eyes. 

The SeChan duo then took over the stage after the 4th VCR. They entered the scene with their bigass luggage as props. They were playing with What a Life and Closer to You. After that, the rest of the members joined with Falling for You.

A brown couch was dragged to the center stage for Wait stage. This ballad number was so heartwarming when the crowd sang along with the EXOs as if it was a duet. They appeared relaxed. Literally, feeling at home vibe in the living room.

The 2nd ment started. SeChan playfully pointed their microphones to the fan to let then sing some parts of What a Life. As expected from Phixos, we are remarkable to the group as the loudest crowd among all hosts. The rule will always be, we do not do fanchant, we sing the whole song haha! The leader then teased Baekhyun with his sexy choreo in UN Village. Baekhyun did it  which made Chayeol crazy for it! Randomly, Jongin danced the sexy choreo of Been Through followed by Junmyeon. Out of nowhere, the crowd cheered loudly for Jongdae’s name suggesting for him to be next in line to do the steps. He was generous enough to do both choreos while singing Lights Out lol I swear they were so chaotic! After that, Sehun did it too! Chanyeol was not getting any free pass and the crowd cheered for his name next. He was crazy that I did not already care for his self-image at that moment. He did his own version of rolling hills and the crowd had gone mad for it! He eventually went near each member to grind at them lmfao! Guess what! Except for Baekhyun!!! Jongin had a secondhand embarrassment for this guy and even threatened to punch him. To end the chaos, the leader finally introduced Power as the next song. It was so fun there were also fireworks-like effects during the break dance part which was serve by the leader, supposedly it was Kai’s part but the members cheered for Junmyeon to do it this time. 

At this point, I was a battery at 2% already. I almost forgot what was next in line. A Kai solo! Jongin entered the main stage with the back up dancers, he was wearing a vest with nothing underneath it and a cap! To be honest, I loved his get-up on the first day more but the experience of him much closer to me is the best! I did the fanchant, I tried religiously but his performance was jaw-dropping that I kept on losing my focus, I went silent while covering my mouth! Surprisingly, he opened the only clothing coving his upper torso that finally exposed his amazing physique! By that time, I already got unleashed, I am still sorry for that crispy FUCK on my fancam hahhahahaha! 

Bad dream and Damage were performed on the main sage. I actually was not able to give my full attention to it because my phone notified I was out of storage. Out of impulsivity, I deleted all of my applications thinking that it would save me until encore stage. After that, EXO danced to the legendary title tacks in a form of a medley, Growl, Overdose and Call Me Baby. 

The 6th VCR was a hint that it was about to end and I went emotional. The boys playfully performed Unfair and On the Snow. The latter song is nostalgic. It is vivid how Jongin was enjoying this stage, wearing a black shirt and pants with his cap placed backwards.  SeChan were so cute during You give me yours, I'll give you mine part when Chanyeol gave the maknae a bouquet of flowers. The fans started throwing lots of stuff on stage, the floor got crowded. 

During the last ment, I befriended the person in front of me who is a Chanyeol-biased. We shouted in chorus Jongin’s name while raising a gom banner but unfortunately he did not respond. We just kept on laughing! We tried it to Chanyeol while waving a banner of him and he waved backed to our area enthusiastically using the doll he picked on the floor. While the others were busily doing their individual messages, ChanKaiHo were so bust playing with the coiled spring, I swear they were kids! 

During Jongdae’s part, the audience started chanting Walang uuwi! We also did this last ElyXiOn and finally this time it was already translated back to the boys! They kept on saying that they enjoyed the night so much with the fans and shamelessly said it was way better that yesterday hahaha! I had to agree. They said that they would love to come back to the Philippines for a concert and a vacation. During Sehun’s part, he secretly asked the translator how to say “Walang uuwi!” and Sehun said it back to the crowd cutely. Finally, after a year!!!

The leader finally introduced the encore song, Smile on my Face. The confetti were starting to rain and feel our faces. The harmonization was heavenly that I almost cried. To be honest, I was sad but happy at the same time. The boys then arranged themselves on the moving platform. Until the last time, Sehun kept on saying Walang Uuwi!. They faded before my eyes, it was surreal! Thank God for letting me see them twice in a row! 

I looked for my friends in the pit and cried in unison! We took pictures outside the arena with some of our friends and decided to look for a place to eat. It was actually raining cats and dogs as if heavens knew how heavy my heart was that it was finally over. 

We went back to the condo with my packed order hahahaha I do not know what was into me that I did not touch my food. I just quenched my thirst bottoms up with a soda full of ice! I was so silent after that hahahaha. 

We slept around 2AM after consuming our fancams. The next day, we had breakfast in Naynay’s condo. Hnnng I miss her food! After that, we parted ways with my condomates and met some of my friends also before heading to the airport.

It was raining. The weather turned my departure more melancholic that it should be. But when I reached the arrival area, I was so touched my whole family came to fetch me. Thank you for supporting me and my happiness. Thank you for allowing me to have this memory when I grow old. 

This is my youth.

August 23, 2019. We arrived Manila almost 5 in the afternoon. We right away grabbed some carbs in 7/11 after fetching our luggages because we already had to time to savor a proper meal. My anxiety skyrocketed when we were in the line running for an hour to get a taxi. Without knowing, we were finally on the edge of it. We passed MOA arena in our way to our respective condo and concertgoers around the area appeared like dots in high entropy — chaotic. Unfortunately, the sky was kind of pale and I was afraid it was about to downpour. 

I was the last one to be dropped because I was staying in with a different set of friends. I had to rush to my room after some aimless conversation in the reception area. It was already 6:30 pm. I went down the ground floor after a 30-minute preparation and I was having internal conflict during my elevator ride if I would take a taxi to the arena or not which was actually of walking distance. However, residues of rain were still falling. Because I hate the idea of being scammed by taxi drivers, I braved the drizzle without an umbrella on hand. For the love of life, I was like being swayed by the strong blows. My exposed skin was all cold and clammy. 

I had no one to go to during the 1st day of the concert because my friends were only attending the 2nd one and some had VIP tickets. I was planned to meet one of my internet friends but for a reason, it did not push through. Thus, I went straight to the entrance area. No long lines were seen outside because it was already past the time. I used to line up 2 hours prior to concert proper but this time I did not bother to care. I rode the escalator, following signages to my designated area, 501.

My heart was churning as I approached the door to 501. The general admission area was already full house manifested by the blaring shouts and the echoes which gave me chills. I was already teary eyed. My legs were both wobbly trying to hit right a plight of stairs down to my assigned seat situated in the middle.

I was surrounded by strangers but the familiarity of the lightsticks they were holding was comforting. Finally, the legendary Moonlight started serenading the fans. It has been a queue for all EXO concerts that the event is about to start. The fans sang along and wave their bongs passionately. Ah, I have missed this feeling! But this day, I was way calmer because I was quite far from the stage, seated.

At exactly 8PM, the shouts were crazier. The house rules were finally announced in different languages. I was actually amazed! The production team stepped up the game. Previous concerts were hell due to rude concertgoers, especially foreigners with a mix of their racism remarks towards the host country. Anyway, I am not here to rant about that lol. Thank you PULP for listening to our sentiments, this goes to all concerts!Others have no right to make one feel miserable during a one in a million experience like this one.

The first VCR played. Props to the amazing creative director of EXplOration! I believe I also promised to myself to this day to watch the whole thing with my eyes but ended up doing messy fancams hahaha. The moment EXO spurted out from below on a rising platform, my temples were pulsating because of the defeaning screams. Of course, I did too! It can’t be helped. EXO appeared tiny before me but it was my dream to experience buying a general admission ticket. The hype genad people give is on top of the world! The area was so fun I even befriended my seatmates in the middle of the setlist. Apart from that, I got a whole view of the production, especially the lights! They were dancing in sync with the music. Lastly, the EXO ocean was bewitching! It always has been! This year, the fandom was able to experience the bluetooth feature of the item. All were blinking simultaneously with each other. It was a different level of experience!

The energy people gave inside the arena was never downsloping. Probably, most became slightly rested during ballad ones but in totality, everyone was fervently singing and chanting. The performances that were so remarkable for me were the 24/7 and Ooh la la la because the light were so graceful. I was stealthily looking at the led screens and down the stage from time to time. I was indecisive even until past half the setlist on how and where to focus. How I wished this time I had more eyes or I could simply rewind to spot things I had missed.

During the encore stage, the memory is still vivid when Jongin did a snow angel with the confetti on stage. He was so adorable he even asked Jongdae’s permission to do so. The bear bag was dangling on his side while running to the main stage after that.

I honestly have no memory of that night except for that one. All I can recall is the blinding lights and tiny exos. Still, I was blessed to come back the next day and witness them much closer.

We ended the night with samgyupsal at 12 midnight hahaha god I was so exhausted already but food is life. I cannot even recall how I went back to the condo! Tomorrow is another day~

June 2019. EXplOration in Manila was the concert that happened like a flash of light. I did not even had ample time to go chronic drama queen about the announcement. Although months prior to the official announcement of EXplOration in Manila, a rumor was already circling about it to somehow mentally prepare our sanity and also our bank accounts. But it took me days to pass the initial shock that Manila was included in the first leg of the tour. It was even passed on that it could be on November. Joke was on us! An August concert!

My preparation for this annual EXO concert this year was less stressful I can say. Still, I had my own share of health-related battles prior to the event proper on top of my academic demands. Second week of June, my school year finally ended but I already accepted my fate that I could not cut any slack since the succeeding weeks were already fully booked. I was horribly much busier this year catering my medical scholarship duties. With so much happening right under my nose, I was not able to feel the intensity of the waiting game of the D-day announcement. Oddly, the announcements were pretty hectic compared to the usual 3-month gap.

I had a week to prepare my stuff for a conference in Bohol on the 4th week of June. It was a pre-immersion event for our DTTB shadowing which was scheduled 1st week of July. During that week of preparation, I had my clinic visitations because that is the only time I could address my diverse chief complaints lol- end of every semester. To be specific, I went to a Pulmonologist, Gastroenterologist, Dermatologist, and E&T Specialist. Imagine how tired I was. It seemed that every time EXO would have a concert in the Philippines, it is always a mile-high climb to the top. I still need to get through so much like a hero in a video game battling against all kind of demons in order to clear a stage and savor a reward. God! I hate being sick.

I had a week of breakfast with an ocean view after all those end-of-semester requirements. It was a much needed breather although the sessions are pretty long and some boring, at least I got my daily dose of vitamin sea. I went home alone from Bohol via Cebu route to catch up with my high school friends that I haven’t seen in the longest time. I also had a chance to meet up Nay Tsaris. It was an intense 48-hour lakwatsa challenge. I was happy. The crazy thing was, I was rushed to the ER right straight from the airport because the attack of the pruritic rash in my whole body gone madder, I was about to beg for anxiolytics! My dermatologist actually diagnosed me with ptyriasis rosea which is luckily non-transmissible and was attributed to stress and my decreased immunity.  I underwent treatment mostly topicals while I was away from home and it caused to much hassle in my part because the treatment was so time consuming early in the morning and at night. I had no choice but to endure and forget how my body chose to dysfunction during a very jam-packed month. 

July 2019. I had to contact the DTTB doctor assigned to me that I might miss my first day of shadowing, the workplace was a 2-hour ride away from Iligan because I wanted to go back to my dermatologist who then prescribed me other medications to alleviate my symptoms hahaha especially the itchiness istg it can make you go depressed that is why antidepressants are given to patients who have pruritus.

For my convenience, I decided to stay at our second house which is a 20-minute drive to my workplace. I brought one of my parents’ car as my service. Driving on unfamiliar routes to work for almost a month was a form of therapy to me. I can clearly remember that it was during UN Village era and I would blast the entire album in my car stereo while going to work and going back home. It was a pretty routine but it was liberating to explore somewhere I was not so sure of. A day prior to Baekhyun’s solo debut, PULP Live World officially announced EXO Planet #4 in Manila on August 24, 2019.

August 2019. I finally went home in Iligan since class will be starting in August. I also settled my accountabilities earlier than the usual ticketing schedule because I availed the ticketing assistance. To be honest, I had regrets hahaha. I should have done the easier way but with my uncertain schedule I cannot plot on when to do my responsibilities. I was so thankful to my friends who took initiative in booking our accommodation.

9th of the month, it was announced that EXO will be having a second day of the said concert on August 23, 2020. I was so happy especially for those who were not able to purchase a ticket. Sadly, it stirred so much ugly babbles from keyboard warriors. Malicious comments circulated how we could demand for another day but failed to sell it out. Many international fans tried to invalidate our points — being in a 3rd world country, amusement tax in the Philippines is actually mad. Philippines even has the most expensive set of tickets among all countries!

I had to drive to the nearest SM mall the next weekend after the confirmation of my ticket and it took a 2-hour drive to secure my ticket! I had to work on things with double efforts perfectly in order to not affect my already rigid schedule. With that, I am pagod af everyday.

Truth be told, I even had the same dilemma of preparing myself to swap my standing ticket to a seated one just in case I ended up feeling shit while still on the start of the academic year. School requirements made me out of breath at some time. What I had in mind was that ElyXiOn one is a top-tier hell since it was during second semester. I got through it apparently, I can realize this one also!

I bought my air tickets late since I was really waiting for the second day announcement. I was also contemplating if I can insert strolling around Manila before going home but it was impossible to do so.

Two days prior to my flight, I had my toot extracted. Finally pain free lmao. Ang dami ko talagang dinadala na I chose not to acknowledge. 

One day prior to my fight, my family had to move out temporarily to an apartment because they were planning to have an overall renovation of the house. I honestly had no energy left while juggling lots of stuff, so I requested not to move an inch of my stuff  in my room (I’d hate it) and I would do it after I go back from the concert. I was not able to feel the countdown that it happened so fast...

Past 11 AM of August 23, we we already heading to the airport. I rarely caught up some air prior to this since I was trying to act semi-responsible as a student that I still attended my class in the morning but had to ditch my last class of the day.

I was able to take a rest during the trip with Ate Elle and Ate Dhang on board. This is it!!!

tonight i cried silently until i could not breathe properly. until i was aimlessly catching some air. i tried to hug myself to calm every inch of me. i really do not know the root of my bursting. probably because i chose not to acknowledge what’s hurting in me. the bottle is full up to the brim. in fact, i feel empty. to correct that, i am half empty but when you think of it, the half-emptiness of the this bottle still takes a space making it full... 

i do not know why i am still letting myself hurt with an unclosed relationship that happened years ago. most of the time, i downplay my feelings and make jokes about my singleness. tonight, i was moved after reading an article how silence is still a closure. how closure is not received from the other end but it is actually something you give to yourself. 

how it frustrates me when my parents throw hints of hasting me to dive into a relationship because i am already a quarter of a hundred... marriage and motherhood is not for everyone, i want to rebut to them. 

tuesday, 3:05 PM 08/18/20

Imagine the amount of stress I am trying to contain for the past 20 days that I had to have 2 cans of beers at broad daylight while trying to be true to my 1 day 1 episode limit. It was a Tuesday meaning I had no Zoom meeting. Internal Medicine rotation is sick, I cannot imagine myself doing this in the clinic. Kaya ko ba? Honestly I am a quite sad and disappointed how things turned out. But I am sadder how hard I could get to myself. I want to let go of the idea that I could have done better. Although I am expected to know more, it is okay not to know all things. It is okay to ask for help. Failing is gaining. Failing is learning. 

With that, I went SNS detox to reevaluate life. Was it? Or did I just deprive myself? HAHAHA at least I do not deprive myself with food. It gives so much comfort. 

I hope I can go back to writing down small snippets of my day here. I have been saying this for the nth time and go missing for weeks hahaha. The cycle continues. But hey, I have a new laptop, thus I can type much faster and do work much efficiently. Thank you, financiers! TT 

Medical School Update 💨

March 2020. Hello, I am currently taking my Oncology module and about to enter my clinics but due to an unfortunate crisis faced globally, all dreamers are currently on hold~

We were actually one week away from our final exam for our last module in our entire medical school journey (God willing!). We still had a few clinical correlates/lectures left but the administration announced to cancel class. Since the protocols were still under construction, they opt for sending us powerpoints and other reading materials to do home studying in preparation for our exams. The original plan was, we still need to push through the schedules while observing social distancing in taking the last set of exam. The country was already in great chaos thus terminating all activities that are of big crowds. How can you study, of course, when you feel so unassured? You constantly check every social media platforms to keep updated about this Covid-19 pandemic. Yet, no hint of cancelling physical exams.

I tried hard to push through studying but my pace was much more sluggish than I usually do. I function well when I am studying in coffee shops or study hubs. It was a torture for me to keep my focus intact while enclosed in my own room.

Apart from academic stress, my additional baggages were also occupying so much space in my brain. We are actually moving in back to our partially renovated house but it was aimed by my parents to do so before 21st of March. I had to move my personal things in between my study sessions. Throughout the days, my anxiety level was also doing a marathon. We were already demanding for an action! How can we afford to go to school which is near the city hospital when they keep on preaching stay at home and social distancing? We were worried for our family members too, especially the immunocompromised and elderly.

Rumors were already circling about a positive case in one of the hospitals but eventually referred to the provincial hospital. Who would not panic? Who would want to go to school? It was eventually recorded as the first ever postive case in Mindanao. [Props to our one and only infectious disease doctor in the city for being vigilant! ]

Three days prior to the exams, I was already out of line. My gut feeling was telling me that it won't push though, the doctors were just playing a game to us so that we won't act too complacent. I was even inserting my study breaks with Romantic Doctor 2 ㅋㅋ. A day prior to the exam, it was finally announced that they were moving the exam two weeks from then and it will be done online.

Some of my batchmates who are nonresident of the city immediately packed their things and went back to their respective hometown where they are more secured but some chose not to since others are having issues about internet connection and for other reasons. Before issuing the community quarantine, there was a grace period to leave and enter the city.

Finally, we were done with our last module, the hardest I should say. Neurology module will always have a special place in my brain hahaha. I never cried in school for an exam result but the first part of this module made me like a dying whale catching for breath in front of my classmates after receiving my score. My eyes were swollen that I can see straight.

Hello, May!

We've been under quarantine for God-who-knows days already. I've seriously lost count. This pandemic has been halting so much dreams. They are currently on hold.

I miss my normal routine, no matter how toxic it is. No second thoughts, I'd choose it over being stuck at home while my anxiety is heightening. At least, no matter how ugly my day went, a milktea can cure it ㅠ

I decided to go back here because I need a new interface. I miss blogging how my day goes by. I can remember how diligent I was years ago to do my Life in Bullets every day, how tackyand cringeyy I recount stuff ㅋㅋ

CRASH LANDING ON YOU

Number of Episodes: 16

Genre: Romance, Drama

Rating: 10/10

I actually finished this series prior to the quarantine season but let me just include it to the list because I invested so much emotions to it, to the point it left me handicapped.

Crash Landing on You has so much on its plate! Not to mention the controversy it faced, being criticized by the liberal party for romanticizing not their own kind. I truly appreciate how this production served something new to the audience! The disclaimer being rolled before each episode is a reminder how a vast mind can offer so much - a window to let us visually access how the life is in the world's most secretive country, North Korea. Sure, there are already dramas with North Korea as a setting but the overall portrayal of CLoY makes it loved by the general public.

Apart from the reason of casting big actors as leads, how the supporting roles in CLoY are being painted give a big impact to the whole canvas, even the hostiles and the helpless. The side stories are definitely not something to be skipped. Surprisingly, my favorite character is Seo Dan's mom. She exudes peak mom level! Actually, all mother figures radiate strong personalities! Among all, I appreciate Seo Dan's character development the most! She is definitely a revolution herself. Thank you for empowering women on screen! Lastly, the backbone of the story are the best squads in the history of kdrama, the soldier squad and the mom squad ㅋㅋThey are just pure and fun to watch, even their chemistry with Seri is good~

I honestly ran out of expectations from this drama. I was afraid how it is going to end but the greatest takeaway is that, each character reached their own resolution. Probably some might disagree re: Seo Dan and Seung Jun's tragedy. But the second male lead saying: I was wrong. When I die, there’s someone who will cry for me. The fact that it’s you makes me sad and happy. I guess that resolved his own conflict. *criii*

I have so much to say, to be honest because this drama is generous enough with insights. Highly recommended~ People saying this is too overrated need to sit down and repent lol!

ITAEWON CLASS

Number of Episodes: 16

Genre: Drama, Revenge

Rating: 9/10

First episode and it was already dark and bold. The plot caters a pool of societal issues such as class differences, abuse of power/injustices, transgender discrimination, and racism. This drama has a different aura compared to previous works of Park Seo Joon. Even the love story of the leads is not the typical lovey dovey~

The main character's determination to avenge his father's death is scalding hot throughout the episodes. It was as consistent as his hairstyle for years istg. Hard work does not betray, indeed. What struck me the most is when one character, Seung Kwon, who used to be Saeroyi jailmate, crossed paths again after years in the outer world. He narrated how everyone is given the same amount of time but the depth of time one spends is completely different compared to someone who does not set goals and persevere through time to get it.

No wonder how the rating of the show did good since the characters are effectively pulled off despite how tacky each personality is.

HI BYE, MAMA!

Number of Episodes: 16

Genre: Drama, Fantasy

Rating: 10/10

This series stirred the general public for a fact that the one portraying Seo Woo is actually a boy. The enormous attention it absorbed was also due to its heartbreaking storyline. It is not even an exaggeration that there is no episode that would not let you cry. It will give your tear ducts so much work.

It reflects a pool of family values and love. It will make you realize even more no matter what age you have, you will still need your mom. It will make you ponder how death can rob you in an instant. Midong, a shaman in the drama, once said: A woman who lost her husband is called a widow. A man who lost his wife is called a widower. And a kid who lost his parents is called an orphan. But there’s no word for a parent who lost their kid. Know why? It’s because no word can describe it. There’s no word in this world that can describe the excruciating pain. That is too devastating, I can't digest it.

I want to commend the three main characters so much! They deserve a round of applause each. Both Seowoo's moms deserve her. Yuri and Minjung are both selfless and strong, as mothers should be. It's true that being aggressive with their respective decision against the other without feeling sorry could have been done if one is mean towards the other. This drama has no antagonist and it is frustrating that no one can take the blame. Sadly, one mom must be hurt deeply in order to save the other mom. Shoutout to all stepmoms! Not all are evil, stop labeling them as one. Seowoo's dad, Kanghwa, for me, has the hardest character. He has been walking on eggshells. All his life, his shoulders are heavy. He endured so much and embraced unnecessary guilt. His walls are too high that made his relationship with others shaky. He is afraid for people to get hurt to the point being too considerate does not help him at all, making himself his own punching bag.

Hitting the resolution of the story is a painful process but it is the kind of hurt that liberated all characters involved. To be able to point out what went wrong and ungrasping it--- Yuri boldy telling his used-to-be husband "I am not yours anymore. You can let me go now." opened the door to silence the conflicts. Acceptance.

Literally, I cried how the epilogue gave a glimpse of the couple's life if Yuri was able to escape his death note. It only takes a second to change a life-changing event. But reaching the final episode was the real deal for my tear ducts ㅠ I seriously cried 90 minutes straight! I am so satisfied how it is wrapped up. No better ending no matter heartbreaking it is!

HE IS PSYCHOMETRIC

Number of Episodes: 16

Genre: Romantic Comedy, Fantasy, Thriller

Rating: 9/10

Why did I just watch it noW? ㅠ Wow, this is a masterpiece! The plot twist is insane! I love how the truth was unfold throughout the story. It was helluva stressful hahaha. Dark enough. Since I was hungry for an answer, I finished this one almost straight 16 hours!!! If you have watched While You Were Sleeping, which was about someone who can dream about the future, this series is a counterpart. The main lead can see the past by touching a person or object. This unique ability helped him solve cases, especially the event the greatly involved him in the past.

I commend Jinyoung for crying that much! Crazy he has lots of frame that in need of crying ㅋㅋㅋ Rise the flag of actor-idol! He is a natural, to be honest. His character, Ahn's funny antics always got me~ The female lead, Ye Eun has an uncanning resemblance of Yerim, hahaha it awed me while watching~

I am satisfied how it ended. Although I would to see more of their love story but in totality it is a must-watch definitely!

WHEN THE CAMELLIA BLOOMS

Number of Episodes: 40

Genre: Romantic Comedy, Thriller

Rating: 9/10

I love how this is filtered ♡ Very aesthetic that I want to live in Ongsan too! Life for the female lead is too complex. The plot revolves around straightening the strands of conflicts of her life. Dealing with her son who does not want her to have a boyfriend, who is short-tempered and acts maturely to protect her mom; dealing with her boyfriend who loves her unconditionally, who always believes in her and brings out the best of her; dealing with her ex husband, who wants to stand as a father to his child and fill in those years he missed to take care of him; dealing with her neighbors, who speak ill and put her in a bad light at first; dealing with her mother who made her an orphan and came back to her sick; dealing with her secret killer...

This runs for 20 hours and I could not remember the last drama I've watched this long but I savored it without any hint boredom. It ended but I still want mooore. I love how every character is given ample amount of screen time in the last episode. Everyone ended up happily. The went through so much, a happy ending is deserved by all. I was moved. I learned so much about life which is too complex to be completely understood.

Props to Haneul! His loud and vibrant acting is commendable!!! And the post-credit is so heartwarming ㅠㅠ I had a fair share of tears for this drama ㅠㅠ

BECAUSE THIS IS MY FIRST LIFE

Number of Episodes: 16

Genre: Drama, Romance

Rating: 9/10

I had two attempts to successfully finish this series and what a shame it took me this long? This series also moved me so much. It talks about views and opinion about living independently and marriage. Throughout, I was also questioning my decisions in life and effectively made me reflect.

Ji Ho who is 30, who is jobless, who is homeless. and Se Hee holds the answer to her problems. Se Hee who only loves his cat, who only values his house. Apart from having the same interest in beer and soccer, they mutually signed a contract that both benefitted them. Weird. How can you marry someone without involving emotions?

I also love the opposite personalities of the female lead's friends. Soo Ji who does not believe in marriage and described it as a tomb of a relationship. She is strong and independent. She does not take any guy seriously until Sang Goo happened. Ho Rang who dreams of being a housewife and a mother. She desperately wanted to marry his long-term partner because she is already hitting three decades. Sadly, his partner, Wonseok, expressed how he is not that ready yet and still starting to get a stable job.

I love how this drama ended! Heartwarming~

Part 1 | https://daisy-illusive.tumblr.com/post/162383689643