Red Ink & Racing Thoughts

I broke down completely.

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. Everything collapsed at once.

I've been so exhausted lately—drained by the setting I live in, by the noise I can't escape. And this time, the loneliness hit so hard I couldn't stop crying. I just sat there, tears flooding, and I didn't want to talk.

I felt so helpless it scared me.

I live with Mixed Anxiety-Depressive Disorder. Some days I feel everything too intensely, and other days I feel nothing at all. This space isn’t about toxic positivity or "just cheer up" advice. It’s about the messy, raw, and real reality of surviving when your mind is your own worst enemy.

I could zone out during lessons or lectures – which, as I can say now as a teacher, was definitely ruining my life.

I woke up dazed every day for no reason and couldn't see any point in doing chores or anything else.

My life depended on what other people told me or said about me.

No matter what pills you’re on… sometimes there are days when you have to force yourself to communicate, even with your dearest ones.

I’m Fundah. I’ve been on pills since my first year of uni. I took some breaks from them, and each break was marked by something so traumatizing that I finally gave up and went to a psychiatrist.

The thing is—I’d get so obnoxious every time I went off my pills.