:(

i am so bad at keeping myself accountable, and i thought pinning my stats might actually keep me motivated. please do not send any meanspo my way, as that does not motivate me at all.<3

name: amy age: 24 height: 164 cm

sw: 59,9 kg (dec. 4th 2024) cw: 54,2 kg😔 (feb. 22th 2025) ugw: 50 kg

but i am probably breaking up with my boyfriend tomorrow

and i went to the hospital earlier this week to be checked for cancer - luckily i didnt have it. but i still am very sick and i keep losing weight.

i am now at about 53 kg and on my heaviest days i weigh my lowest weight from back when my 4n4 journey was at its best

life sucks :D

fuck the fact that i might be chronically ill and that my body is actually dying from disease in front of me

and fuck the fact that i've c/tted my whole leg to pieces tonight because i am fucking miserable

being skinnier is great, but it wont solve all the other shit going on... i am sorry. please seek some help

when i returned to tumblr in december, i weighed just about 60 kg and i fought really hard for like two weeks and then i returned to the whole binge/cry/restrict-cycle. when the new year started, i decided to not let food be the biggest thought in my head all the time and just ... kinda go with the flow

i made 3 rules:

Eat as little junk food and snacks as possible (i've had snacks about once a week since, and not really any junk food)

Walk everywhere and try to be more active

Start the day with 2-4 rice cakes and then eat whenever i get hungry (i get a tummy ache if i dont eat before taking medication)

AND GUYS

i am officially down to 55,5 kg again ?!?!?!?!?!

last time i was this weight it was through 1/1,5 months of HARD work. i mean running up to 20 km weekly, eating about 800 calories a day, feeling fucking sick all the time, having no energy and forgetting everything.

i fucking forgot to include day 11 yesterday (i am so bad at this)

day 11: probably pasta ... or chips. i could eat both every single day and not get bored.

i am waaay behind on this one, so here are the next 5 days

day 7: way back when i first wanted to lose weight (when i was a literal child of 12 years old) i was because of a toxic friendship. then when it got bad again i was 18 and it was because i had actually gained A LOT of weight over the course of 2 years. but this time it is because i could feel my clothes getting tighter and i started not looking in the mirror, because i knew i wouldnt like the girl looking back at me. i want to look in the mirror and be satisfied.

day 8: how concerned i am w my looks all the time. i act very nonchalant about the way that i look, but it consumes me every single day. how close ive been to relapsing into SH and how i often think about sewerslide (i am not going to do it, i promise) and ofc my disordered eating habits.

day 9: nope. even if i wanted to, it is almost impossible to get help in my country if your bmi isnt in the underweight category.

ive just had quite a weird week last week. i did A LOT of walking - at least 10.000 steps all through monday to saturday, but i also fluctuated a bit between not eating anything and eating a little too much. but i think, in the grand scheme of it all, that i have been in a deficit.

it has been hard to me to calculate calories since i've been eating w other people for dinner most of the time since wednesday last week.

i will be starting medication for anxiety and ocd this week, and i am actually kinda hoping that ill get nauseas, since that might curb my appetite. ofc i am also hoping to get the side effect of decreased appetite, but i probably wont be that lucky

later i am going to a party, but i will fast until i am there, which will leave me with an approx. 22 hour fast

i forgot to do this yesterday, wooooops

day 5:

idk, i dont really watch ed-movies or listen to ed-songs. i mostly consume ed-media through social media, and specifically tiktok and tumblr

day 6:

bridget jones. - i always seem to be just a little bit off. ive always felt like the odd one out at family gatherings and i never know what to say. i keep going back to bad habits, drinking and smoking too much.

a girl from a danish book - she keeps revisiting old memories that she knows will hurt her and she keeps thinking that she has to behave in a certain way to not lose her only friend.

day 4

58,1 kg

i am down 0,9 kg in about 3 days and i am 1,8 kg down in less than a week

i can’t wait to get back home and use my own

then we had lunch. i had a lot of raw veggies and a piece of bread w egg, and some other stuff. it came out to about 500 calories (guesstimating). but they ate quite a lot and they felt so stuffed they weren’t hungry for dinner, which means we all just skipped dinner???

then i had two pieces of candy and about 80 calories worth of chips (i looked up the brand and silently counted the amount)